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THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 


GIFT  OF 

Mrs.  Edwin  Grrabhorn 


V 


f   ' 


THE  YAHOO: 


A  SATIRICAL  RHAPSODY. 


YELUTI   IN   SPECULUM. 


"  From  what  I  have  gathered  from  your  own  relation,"  said  the  king,  "and  the 
answers  I  have,  with  much  pains,  wringod  and  extorted  from  you,  I  can  not  but  con- 
clude the  bulk  of  your  natives  to  be  the  most  pernicious  race  of  little,  odious  v«'rmin, 
that  Nature  ever  sulfered  to  crawl  upon  the  surface  of  the  earth." — Gulliver's      //vels. 

«'  My  horror  and  astonishment  are  not  to  be  described,  when  I  observe*  '  this 
nboHiihable  animal  a  perfect  human  figure."— T&irf. 

"  Where  knaves  and  fools  combined  o'er  nil  prevail." — Byron. 


NEW    YORK: 

PUBLISHED  BY  G.  VALE,  BEACON  OFFICE, 

NO.     1    BOWERY,    (CHATHAM    SQUARE.) 

1855. 


PKEFACE 

BY    THE    AMERICAN    PUBLISHER. 


This  work  first  appeared  in  England,  without  name,  per- 
haps because  some  of  the  allusions  might  be  there  consid- 
ered personal,  and  libellous.  It  was  republished,  in  parts, 
in  The  Cornet^  a  periodical  long  since  out  of  print.  A  few 
copies  were  also  for  sale  in  octavo  form,  decently  bound, 
but  at  a  high  price.  These  also  have  disappeared  ;  and  if 
any  remain,  they  will  be  sought  after  for  the  library,  by 
those  who  wish  to  keep  it  in  that  form. 

The  object  of  the  poem  is  to  ridicule  the  vices  and  follies 
of  mankind,  especially  those  of  pride,  oppression,  hypoc- 
risy, or  superstition ;  and  its  tendency  is,  consequently,  to 
elevate  society;  while  its  merits  as  a  poem,  and  its  wit, 
are  calculated  to  secure  it  a  hearing,  at  the  same  time,  the 
philosophy^  the  learning,  and  the  information  amassed  in  its 
notes,  must  afford  solid  food  for  those  who  profess  to  have 
no  appetite  for  poetry. 

Our  object  in  reprinting  it,  is,  not  only  to  give  it  to  liie 
public,  who  are  now  deprived  of  it,  but  to  give  it  in  a  cheap 
form,  so  that  it  may  come  within  the  reach  of  thousands 
who  would  otherwise  never  see  it  G.  V. 


PREAMBLE. 


"O  world!  buzzard  world!  when  wilt  thou  come  out  of  thine  in- 
fancy, and  assume  a  beard,  and  a  mind  worthy  of  that  beard !  Learn 
to  despise  long  coats;  reject  thy  leaders  and  leading  strings;  stand 
upon  thine  own  legs ;  be  of  age  ;  look  round  thee,  and  distinguish 
truth  and  freedom  from  restraint  and  disguisea  —  J)issertatio7i  upon 
Old  Women. 

Thus  apostrophized  Thomas  Gordon,  a  century  ago  ;  and 
can  we  pronounce  the  "  Buzzard"  to  be  much  wiser  at  pres- 
ent, and  in  a  condition  to  cast  off  its  leading  strings  and 
long  coats  ;  or  (to  continue  the  metaphor)  able  to  dispense 
with  its  go-cart  and  slavering-bib !  That  the  world  is  very- 
silly,  considering  its  age,  has  been  observed  long  since  ; 
which,  however,  is  not  much  to  be  wondered  at,  when  we 
recollect  what  great  care  is  taken  to  perpetuate  ignorance, 
and  eradicate  from  the  mind  of  youth  every  natural  and 
rational  idea,  and  to  substitute  in  lieu-the  most  nonsensical 
and  stupifying  metaphysical  jargon,  by  which  the  mind  be- 
comes so  contaminated,*  that,  under  the  name  of  religion, 
the  horrible  and  cannibal  idea  of  eating  and  drinking  the 
"  body  and  blood"  of  the  deity  they  worship,!  and  to  whom 

*  "Sa  conception  6tait  d'autant  plus  vive  et  plus  nette,  que  son  en- 
fance  n'ayant  point  ete  chargee  des  inutilites  et  des  sottises  qui  acca- 
blent  la  notre,  les  ehoses  entraient  dans  sa  cervelle  sans  nuage. — 
Njaj'^ant  rien  appris  dans  son  enfance,  il  n'avait  point  appris  de  pre- 
juges.  Son  entendement  n*ayant  point  ete  curbe  par  I'erreur  etait 
demeure  dans  tout  sa  rectitude.  11  voynit  les  clioses  coinme  elles  sonfc, 
au  lieu  que  les  idees  qu'on  nous  donne  dans  I'enfance  nous  les  font 
voir  toute  notre  vie  conime  elles  ne  sont  point." — L'liic/enu. 

•j-  "And  here  we  drink  our  Savior's  blood." — Watts'  Hipnns.  This 
is  pretended  to  be  only  typical,  tfec.  ;  but  even  when  considered  in 
that  light,  the  l),ii-<»  idea  is  enough  to- put  a  Cherokee  or  a  Hottentot  to 
the  blush,  as  the  very  quintessence  of  cannibalism. 


PREAMBLE.  5 

they  address  their  supplications,  so  far  from  exciting  horror, 
is  set  down  as  the  first  and  most  important  duty  of  a  Chris- 
'tian  Yahoo  ! 

We  now  live  in  an  enlightened  age  ! — what  a  consoling 
and  heart-warming  consideration! — where  the  intellect  is 
spread  out  like  an  apothecary's  plaster,  and  the  mind  marches 
on  with  the  strides  of  a  Captain  Bobadil,  or  Major  Stur- 
geon ;  and  every  poor  scribbler  is  sufficiently  enlightened 
to  know  that  if  he  wishes  for  pudding  or  praise,  or  is  de- 
sirous of  eating  apple-tarts  and  cream  with  the  maids  of 
horror,  or  venison  and  custard  with  the  lord-mayor,  he  must 
glide  quietly  on  with  the  stream,  and  be  careful  how  he  hints, 
in  the  most  remote  manner,  at  the  folly  and- vices  of  the  Cor- 
inthian order. 

The  most  distant  allusion  to  their  depravity  will  be 
deemed  jacobinism  ;  the  slightest  observations  on  the  dam- 
ning creed  of  Athanasius,  blasphemy  and  atheism,  and 
rational  remarks  on  the  so  much  admired  fustian  in  hero- 
ics,* or  cat-lap  namby-pamby  of  "  Peter  and  his  Ass,"  will 
stamp  him  a  low-lived  Goth,  and  totally  disqualify  him 
for  ever  associating  with  the  be-whiskered  dandies  and 
painted  dolls  in  high  life.  All  he  could  then  expect  would 
be  the  reward  of  the  poor  poet,  as  described  by  Pope — a 
garret  with  broken  windows,  and  half  a  peck  of  coals;  or 
to  be  admitted  as  a  member  of  Foote's  squad  of  scribblers, 
and  start  fair  with  them  for  .a  mess  of  milk  porridge  at 
breakfast  time. 

Reading  Public  (to  adopt  the  fashionable  slang,  but  who 
seem  to  read  to  littlp  purpose),  ten  thousand  pens  are  worn 
and  wearing  to  the  stumps,  working  day  and  night  in  pro- 

*See  the  "Ode  on  the  Battle  of  Waterloo,"  where  Carnage  is 
"God's  daughter,"  among  other  instances  of  the  sublin*e  and  beauti- 
ful; and  poor  Peter's  donkey's  brotherly  lliree  groans,  in  the  slop- 
dawdle  way;  with  "Betty  Foy,"  tlie  "toothless  mastiff  bitch,"  <fec., 
<fec.,  all  of  which,  after  being  properly  daubed  over  by  learned  and, 
impartial  reviewers,  were  purchased  with  avidity  by  an  intelligent 
readirii^  pu!>lic,  to  their  great  edification  and  delight. 

A  lady,  who  was  purchasing  a  collection  of  books,  asked  Dr.  Johnson 
whether  siie  should  be  guided  in  the  selection  by  the  reviews.  "By 
all  means,  madam,"  replied  the  doctor ;  "  they  will  serve  you  as  an 
ififallible  guide;  purchase  all  that  they  revile,  but  none  that  they 
praise,  and  you  will  bo  sure  to  be  right."— r7o//j0n's  Hypocrisy 


6  PREAMBLE. 

curing  wherewithal  to  glut  thy  insatiate  and  ravenous 
maw,*  and,  with  a  A^ery  few  exceptions,  with  the  same  sort 
of  mawkish  stuff;  one  scribbler  following  another  in  the 
same  dull  beaten  track,  like  horses  in  a  team,  as  Parson 
Hickeririgill  observes! — "one's  nose  in  t'other's  tail,"  all 
singing  to  the  same  tune  ;  the  parrot-like  gabble,  and  the 
cuckoo's  dull  note  ;  everlastingly  bellowing  forth  in  praise 
of  the  "powers  that  be;"  blarneying  with  fulsome  pane- 
gyric the  "  best  of  kings  ;"J  an  illustrious  nobility  ;^  the 
pure  and  sapient  Collective  ;||  the  glorious  Constitution ; 
with  the  never-enough-to-be-praised  British  nation,  as  pre- 

*  "The  many-headed  beast  is  a  foul  feeder,"  says  Dr.  Southey;  and 
the  doctor  is  very  right,  as  appears  by  its  feeding  on  such  filthy  food 
as  Lot  and  his  daughters ;  'Zekel's  buttered  hun  ;  and  the  two  Brims, 
whose  "  teats  of  virginity  were  bruised,"  &c.  (Kzekiel  xxxiii.)  besides 
gorging  every  Lord's  day  on  the  bloody  sioeat  of  the  Lamb. 

Now  let  us  suppose  a  Lord  Fopdoodle,  or  a  Sir  Dilberry  Diddle, 
who  had  hurried  to  be  in  time  at  a  grand  dinner  party  of  Corinthians 
of  the  highest  class,  should  arrive  in  a  state  of  perspiration,  wiping  his 
phiz,  and  exclaiming  that  he  was  in  a  "  bloody  sweat,"  what  a  con- 
sternation and  turning  up  of  eyes  it  would  occasion,  with  the  stamp 
of  downright  blackguard  on  his  character  for  ever  after. 

f  "  Pillars  of  Priestcraft." 

\  Yes !  and  as  wise  as  good  ! — See  P.  Pindar's  account  of  the  royal 
dead  mutton  sent  to  Fleet  market  for  sale;  and  of  the  more  than  Paul 
Pry  curiosity  to  discover  the  seam  in  the  apple-dumpling ;  with  othor 
Solomon-like  specimens  of  profound  sagacity,  in  the  late  money  scra- 
ping, church-going  Sheepyo  Americanus. 

§  Titles  were  offered  to  the  leading  members  of  Congress,  as  a  lure, 
during  the  American  war;  in  answer  to  which  Dr.  Franklin  replied 
— "Peerages!  Alas,  sir!  our  long  observation  of  the  vast  servile 
majority  of  your  peers  voting  constantly  for  every  measure  proposed 
by  a  minister,  however  weak  or  wicked,  leaves  us  little  respect  for 
the m. " — FranklirCs  Correspo7idence. 

II  A  parliament  of  knaves  and  sots, 

'(Members  by  name  you  must  not  mention), 
He  keeps  in  pay,  and  buys  their  votes, 
With  here  a  place,  and  there  a  pension. 

Lord  Rochester. 

^"You  will  receive  herewith,"  says  Frederick  II.,  in  a  letter  to 
D'Alembert,  during  the  American  war,  "the  remedy  which  you  re- 
quest for  the  hydrophobia,  or  bite  of  mad  dogs.  The  medicine  has 
performed  wonderful  cures,  and  I  would  recommend  that  it  be  sent  to 
the  English  Parliament.  Its  members  act  like  a  legion  of  lunatics." 
— Belsham's  History  of  England. 


PKEAMBf.K.  7 

eminent  in  virtue,  courage,  humanity,*  charity,  and  every 
other  good  quality :  every  third  page  of  their  luminous 
productions  larded  (like  a  round  of  beef  with  gobbets  of 
fat  bacon)  with  "  the  Lord's  goodness,"  the  '*  blessing  of 
Heaven,  Divine  Providence,  a  precious  Redeemer,  the 
Most  High,"  &c  ,  &c.,  not  forgetting  the  '*  inestimable 
treasure  of  the  Holy  Scriptures,  which  excelleth  all  the 
treasures  of  the  earth"  (as  the  translators  of  the  Jew  book 
told  the  brutish  Solomon  in  their  dedication),  with  other 
fear-the-lord  gibberish,  of  a  similar  quality. 

*  British  Humanity  is  the  eternal  cry  with  which  we  are  deafened; 
and,  indeed,  whenever  a  subscription  has  been  set  on  foot  for  the  poor 
Dutch,  poor  Swiss,  distressed  Germans,  or  other  foreigners,  wilh  a 
reconnnendation  from  royalty,  a  considerable  sum  has  always  been 
raised;  but  when  four  or  live  hundred  poor  creatures,  their  own  dear 
Britons,  were  cut  to  pieces,  and' trampled  under  the  iron  hoofs  of 
horses,  indiscriminately,  men,  women,  and  children,  by  infuriated, 
half-druniven  savages,  who  had  their  sabres  sharpened  expressly  for 
the  bntcherj'^,  and  the  distress  and  horror  it  might  have  been  supposed 
would  have  excited  general  compassion  among  a  people  self-styled 
the  very  quintessence  of  humanity,  and  the  true  Christimi  milk  of 
human  kindness;  but  no!  a  yell  of  barbarous  exultation  was  set  up; 
and  a  cry  of  "served  'em  riii:ht,"  was  heard  from  Cornwall  to  the  Ork- 
ney islands,  among  the  genteel  classes  of  toad-eaters  and  lick  spittles, 
in  consequence  of  the  bloodhounds  receiving  the  thanks  of  the  king 
for  their  heroic  exi)loits.*  A  subscription  was  sot  on  foot  for  the  re- 
lief of  such  as  survived,  as  well  as  for  the  widows  and  orphans  of  the 
murdere<l,  and  a  few  hundred  pounds  raised,  principally  by  the 
"swinish  multitude,"  in  their  clubs  and  societies;  as  it  was  consid- 
ered disgraceful  in  the  quality  Wuq  to  contiibute!  Talk  of  British  hu- 
manity! What  compassion  was  shown  toward  poor  Byrne,  who  was 
imprisoned  and  cruelly  whipped,  for  accusing  (and  justly)  a  stinking 
beast  of  a  bishop  of  an  unnatural  crime  ;  and  who,  afterward,  when 
detected,  got  off,  having  a  snivelling  lord  for  his  brother,  as  well  as 
the  interest  of  the  Church,  who  do  not  like  such  affairs  to  be  brought 
to  light  before  the  daddies  of  the  lord.  Humanity  ! !  Who  ever  inter- 
fered in  behalf  of  Mrs.  and  Miss  Carlile,  and  Mrs.  Wright,  while  suffer- 
ing in  loathsome  prisons,  for  their  integrity  and  virtuous  advocacy  of 
truth  ?  Who  comnaiserated  the  dreadful  state  of  the  unfortunate  Og- 
den,  when  expiring  in  jail  under  the  torments  of  a  rupture?  Did  not 
the  spouting  cock  of  the  walk  set  the  whole  kennel  of  collectives  in  a 
roar  of  laughter,  by  .adverting  to  the  sufferings  of  the  ^^  revered  and 
rwp<i<r<?^r  Ogden  ?  —  Humanity!  Pshaw!  Twaddle!  Fudge!  Old 
Nick  is  humane  to  his  favorite  imps,  no  doubt. 

*  This  horrible  trajjedy,  commonly  called  thn  ManchestPr  massacre,  which  was 
promoted  and  directed  by  two  parsons,  was  discussed  in  the  upper  kennel  (house 
of  lords),  when  150  most  noble  lords  voted  their  approbation. 


8  PREAMBLE. 

**  Whatever  is,  is  right,"  is  the  cry  of  the  kennel,  conse- 
quently there  can  be  nothing  wrong ;  and  when  a  convict 
swings  off  in  fine  style  from  the  new  drop,  are  they  not 
assured  by  the  Rev.  Mr.  Diddleum,  that  after  they  have 
repented  of  their  sins,  and  received  absolution,  they  will 
mount  up  to  the  regions  of  bliss,  be  welcomed  by  the  angel- 
ic host,  and  occasion  great  rejoicing  in  heaven  1*  Does 
not  this  prove  incontestably  that  "  all  is  for  the  best,"  and 
that  "  whatever  is,  is  right  ?" 

"The  man  whose  soul  tlie  blackest  vices  taint., 
For  heaven's  glory  makes  a  damned  good  saint." 

Peter  Pindar, 

"Repent  then  .all  ye  rogues,  ye'll  be  forgiven, 
And  give  the  saints  a  holiday  in  heaven." 

And  surely  we  must  acknowledge  this  to  be  a  most  con- 
soling, as  well  as  an  encouraging  doctrine  for  thieves  and 
cut-throats,  who  ought  to  felicitate  themselves  on  being  the 
humble  instruments  of  so  much  merry-making,  when  they 
are  dismissed  by  John  Ketch,  Esq.,  with  a  hempen  collar  of 
their  order  round  their  nfecks,  as  a  passport  for  kingdom- 
come,  of  which  no  doubt  they  are  not  a  little  proud  upon 
their  arrival,  and  swagger  away  like  evangelicals  of  the  first 
water.f  Let  us,  therefore,  sing  to  the  praise  of  the  Lamb, 
and  his  head-spouter  Paul,  and  the  blessed  doctrine  of  *' jus- 
tification by  faith,  and  atonement  for  sin,"  so  admirably  cal- 
culated for  the  spread  of  wickedness,  and  the  knowledge- 
box  of  the  intelligent  Yahoo  \\ 

*  "I  say  unto  you,  that  joy  shall  be  in  heaven  over  one  sinner  that 
repentelh,  more  than  over  ninety  and  nine  just  persons  which  need  no 
repentance." — Luke  xv. 

f  It  is  a  common  saying  among  felons,  that,  "when  the  worst  comes 
to  the  worst,  they  can  tip  the  devil  a  Pedesdale,  and  get  white-washed 
by  tlie  parson  at  the  gallows." 

:j:  "To  make  the  entrance  sure  for  rogue  or  thief^ 
As  well  as  him  who  lives  by  honest  means, 
Our  hero  so  arranged  his  belief. 

That  even  tlie  rogue,  provided  that  he  gainfe 
Both  faith  and  grace,  should  stand  the  better  chance, 
As  all  his  previous  sins  would  but  enhance 

"His  worth  in  heaven  ;  at  least  we're  often  told, 
That  o'er  repentant  sinners  by  the  saints 


PREAMBLE.  9 

But  although  "  all  is  for  the  best,"  and  everything  under 
the  superintendence  of  Divine  Providence,  without  whose 
permission  a  sparrow  cannot  fall  to  the  ground  (as  the 
spiritual  Jack  in  a  box  assures  his  assinine  audience  at  the 
Fudge-office),  yet  so  little  reliance  is  placed  on  the  asser- 
tion by  the  poor  bewildered  Yahoo,  that  he  is  incessantly 
worrying  the  great  Jehovah  to  change  his  immutable  de- 
crees to  gratify  some  selfish  or  ridiculous  whim,  notwith- 
standing his  drawling  whine  of  "  thy  will  be  done."  One 
asks  for  an  east  wind,  while  another  wants  a  west,  &c. — 
And  when  we  consider  that  the  Turks  are  all  bawling  and 
screamirjg  on  Friday,  the  Jews  groaning  and  grunting  on 
Saturday,  and  the  Christians  snivelling  and  psalm-singing 
on  Sunday;  and  that,  in  the  intermediate  days,  the  Esqui- 
maux, Catabaws,  Winnebagoes,  Otaheitans,  Hottentots,  (fee, 
are  all  hard  at  it,  howling  and  bellowing  out  Divine  service 
in  their  way,  one  can  not  help  thinking  that  the  situation  of 
the  great  Jehovah,  so  far  from  being  desirable,  woidd  not 
be  accepted  of  in  exchange  by  his  dark-skinned  antagonist 
in  the  cellar,  provided  he  was  obliged  to  continue  superin- 
tendent of  the  two-legged  grubs  called  Yahoos  ;  and,  that 
the  latter  has  the  least  harassing  and  unpleasant  employ- 
ment of  the  two,  especially  as  he  can  take  an  airing  when 
he  pleases,  and  even  trot  up  stairs  on  levee  days,  strutting 
about  like  a  crow  in  a  gutter,  and  gossippiiig  with  the  great 
Jehovah  '*  en  famille." — Job  i. 

Those  "  whom  the  Lord  loveth  he  chastiseth,"  we  are 
told,  "  and  scourgeth  every  son  whom  he  receiveth  ;"  there- 
fore the  more  we  are  drubbed  the  more  thankful  we  ought 
to  be,  and  the  more  convinced  of  his  loving-kindness  ;  but, 
unfortunately,  we  are  sometimes  at  a  loss  to  ascertain 
whether  it  is  by  the  rod  of  the  Lord,  or  by  that  of  the  Devil, 
the  stripes  are  inflicted,  as  the  latter  was  permitted  to  give 
poor  Job,  who  was  an  "  upright  man  and  feared  the  Lord," 
a  confounded  whacking  ;*  so  that  it  seems  the  Lord  punish- 

"Thore  is  more  joy,  by  near  an  hnndrerl  foKI, 

Tiian  o'er  the  virtuous  souls,  of  whom  complaints 
Had  never  readied  the  gods: — ihis  was  a  bi-ibe, 
A  fine  inducement  for  the  sinning  tribe  I"  Prize  Poem  on  St.  Panl. 

*  Poor  Job!  he  might  well  lament  that  he  "  came  out  of  the  belly." 
— Job.  iii. 


JO  PREAMBLE. 

es  US  for  our  wickedness,  and  the  devil  for  our  good  quali- 
ties !  Bravo  !  This  is  being  between  anvil  and  hammer 
with  a  vengeance!  But  if  alFs  for  the  best,  and  every- 
thing right,  why  should  we  grumble  ?  If  we  are  to  be 
bundled  into  hell,  let  us  eat  our  pudding,  and  hold  our 
tongues,  and  make  the  best  of  a  bad  bargain  ;  it's  all  what 
pleases  the  Lord,  or  it  would  not  be,  and  we  ought  to  thank 
God  for  everything — as  an  old  woman  used  to  be  contin- 
ually telling  her  unlucky  cub  of  a  grandson,  who  one  day 
came  running  in  crying,  "  Don't  you  say  we  should  thank 
God  for  everything,  granny?"  —  "Yes,  to  be  sure,  my 
dear,"  saya  she,  "  Well  then,"  says  Dick,  "  I've  tumbled 
down  with  the  basket  of  eggs  you  bid  me  carry  to  Goody 
Grump,  and  they're  all  smashed." — "  You  uiplucky  brat," 
cries  poor  granny,  "  I've  a  good  mind  to  lug  your  ears." — 
"  Why,  I  thought,"  cries  Dick,  "  we  were  to  thank  God  for 
everything  ;  but  that's  not  all,  for  our  cow's  dead,  and  is 
lying  on  the  common  ;  so  there's  something  else  to  thank 
God  for,  besides  the  broken  eggs,  granny." 

"  To  live  in  society,"  says  an  intelligent  writer,  '*  we  must 
sympathize  with  it ;  but  no  sympathy  can  subsist  between 
the  knaves  and  fools,  who  are  playing  the  game  of  '  make- 
believe,'  and  quarrelling  over  the  stakes,  and  the  person 
who  sees  through  their  trickery,  and  despises  its  objects. 
There  is  no  disguising  from  the  cool  eye  of  philosophy, 
that  all  living  creatures  exist  in  a  state  of  natural  warfare  ; 
and  that  man  (in  hostility  with  all)  is  at  enmity  also  with 
his  own  species — man  is  the  natural  enemy  of  man  ;  and 
society,  unable  to  change  his  nature,  succeeds  but  in  estab- 
lishing a  hollow  truce,  by  which  fraud  is  substituted  for 
violence.  The  honestest  and  the  boldest  man  must  hide  a 
good  half  of  his  thoughts,  if  he  would  not  be  lodged  be- 
tween four  walls,  or  interdicted  ah  aqua  ct  igni.  He  who 
has  not  the  courage  to  encounter  a  mass  of  evil,  must  pass 
through  life  with  a  bridle  perpetually  on  his  tongue.  He 
must  hear  with  a  becoming  gravity  the  words  honor  and 
patriotism  proceeding  from  the  lips  of  pollution — he  must 
hold  law  to  be  synonymous  with  justice,  persecution  with 
tolerance,  general  pauperism  with  national  prosperity,  priest- 
craft with  piety,  and  plunder  with  loyalty  and  religion." 

Hobbes  affirms  the  state  of  nature  to  be  a  state  of  war ; 


PREAMBLE.  .    H 

and  in  what  does  that  of  civilized  life  differ,  except  that  it 
is  carried  on  under  a  masked  battery  ?  One  Yahoo  will 
always  covet  the  luxuries  and  superfluities  of  another,  of 
which  he  is  himself  destitute  (whatever  he  may  pretend  to 
the  contrary)  in  spite  of  the  interdictions  of  Porteusian 
bibles,*  or  canting  tracts  of  '*  Christ  and  a  Crust,"  &c.,  with 
which  he  is  gutted  till  the  gorge  rises,  and  but  to  little  pur- 
pose, f  Command nients  from  the  Decalogue  may  be  sol- 
emnly mouthed  out  by  the  priest,  forbidding  the  Yahoo  to 
covet  his  neighbor's  goods,  and  children  told  that  they  must 
not  hanker  after  the  cherries  or  toys  of  their  playfellows  ; 
all  which  are  as  scrupulously  attended  to,  and  with  as  much 
effect  as  proclamations  would  be  by  hungry  mastiffs,  forbid- 
ding them  to  covet  each  other's  horse-flesh.  And  is  not  the 
same  selfish  or  envious  disposition  shown  even  in  factitious 
wants  ;  one  Yahoo  of  the  higher  class,  will  envy  another 
who  has  obtained  permission  from  the  master  of  the  puppet- 
show,  to  paint  a  fool's  bauble  on  the  pannels  of  his  booby- 
hutch,  or  stitch  it  on  the  corner  of  his  mucus  wrappers  and. 
scullion's  dishclouts,  to  which  he  thinks  he  has  a  better 
pretension  himself. 

*Tl)e  Yalioo,  it  seems,  is  now  ashamed  of  the  filthy  language  of  his 
holt/  bible,  which  is  at  present  filtering  through  ecclesiastical  strainers 
to  clarify  it  for  the  Godly!  This  is  at  least  an  indication  of  a  spread. 
But  is  it  not  to  be  lamented  that  the  emasculated  parts,  or  luscious  ex- 
uberances of  the  Holy  Scripture  (to  say  nothing  of  the  castration  of 
Gibbon  and  Shakspere),  should  thus  be  lost?  Would  it  not  be  ad- 
visable to  collect  and  publish  them  under  the  title  of,  ^^  Tit-Bits  for 
Godly  Gormandizers''  as  a  kind  of  spiritual  Lamb's  fi^y?  (we  now  can 
furnish  a  penny  list  for  selection)  for  the  benefit  of  delicate  ladies, 
who  might  thus  learn,  among  other  holy  matters,  on  what  account  ad- 
mission was  refused  to  the  "congregation  of  the  Lord." — Deuter. 
xxiii.  The  time  is  undoubtedly  approaching  when  this  nauseous  and 
disgusting  book  will  be  carefully  excluded  from  every  decent  family; 
in  spite  of  the  parsons,  who  are  working  night  and  day,  like  devils 
upon  a  mud  wall,  to  support  it.  That  such  demoralizing  trash  should 
be  considered  as  essential  to  the  poor  Yahoo's  salvation,  afifords  a  de- 
cided proof  of  the  superiority  of  his  intellect,  so  much  boasted  ofl 

f  The  report  of  the  committee  for  inquiring  into  the  cause  of  the 
iu'-ronse  of  commitments  and  convictions  in  London  and  Middlesex, 
BiaLcs,  that  notwithstanding  all  we  hear  of  schools,  and  the  progress 
of  education,  juvenile  depravity  was  never  so  unlimited  in  degree,  or 
80  deperate  in  character. — Soutkei/s  Colloquies. 


12  PREAMBLE. 

"All  envy  power  in  others,  and  complain 
Of  that  which  they  would  perish  to  obtain. — Churchill.^ 

And,  as  was  observed  by  Sir  Robert  Walpole,  that  by 
obliging  one  friend,  he  was  certain  to  create  a  dozen  en- 
emies. Such  is  the  loving-kindness  of  Christian  Yahoos 
to  each  other,  though  taught  to  love  their  neighbors  as 
themselves !  but  they  are  all  tarred  with  the  same  brush, 
and  play  the  same  game  in  their  turn. 

Some  author  has  observed,  that  it  is  to  be  lamented,  the 
great  Jehovah,  after  proving  the  incorrigibility  of  the  Ya- 
hoo race,  by  sousing  them  all  (with  the  exception  of  eight, 
whose  offspring  proved  no  better),  like  so  many  puppies  in 
a  horse-pond,  and  smiting,  and  "  swearing  in  his  wr^th," 
did  not  create  a  fresh  batch,  free  from*  the  defects  of  their 
Adamite  progenitors,*  instead  of  sending  his  only  bfigotten 
Son  as  a  sacrifice,  in  company  with  a  ghost  (one  to  milk  a 
ram  and  the  other  to  hold  the  pail),  and  all  for  what  ?  Cui 
bono?  for  although  the  said  ghost  fills. the  paunch,  or  the 
sconce,  no  matter  which,  of  every  reverend  prig  to  this  very 
day,  and  without  doubt  inspires  him  to  sputter  forth  his  God- 
ly jabber  ;t  the  poor  Yahoos  remain  lost  muttons,  and  con- 
tinue to  be  trundled  wholesale  and  retail  into  the  tithe-barn 

of   the   OLD    ONE. 

But  is  it  not  very  extraordinary  and  inconceivable,  that 
the  only  begotten  Son,  aided  by  the  ghost,  and  under  the 
guidance  or  superintendence  of  the  Father,  in  their  soul- 
saving  mission,  sent  expressly  to  take  away  the  sins  of  the 
world,  should  have  succeeded  no  better?      Three  to  one, 

*Much  crime  and  misery  would  have  been  avoided  in  this  "best  of 
all  possible  worlds,"  if  the  great  Jehovah,  when  he  dabbed  up  the  Ya- 
hoo, had  clapped  a  bell  or  clicker  within  him,  which  should  have 
given  the  alarm  w^henever  he  told  a  lie.  There  M'ould  then  have 
been  but  little  want  of  law  and  gospel. 

f  This  ghost,  it  appears,  first  exhibited  himself  "as  the  sound  of  a 
mighty  rushing  wind" — an  odd  way  for  a  ghost! — and  settled  in  the 
shape  of  "fiery  cloven  tongues"  on  the  jobbernols  of  a  set  of  lazy 
lubbers,  who,  instead  of  minding  their  fishing-tackle  and  leather- 
dressing,  went  about  the  highways  Mawivorming.  But,  how  do  the 
parsons  of  the  present  day  contrive  to  get  so  full  of  tliis  ghost,  by 
whom  they  aflarm  they  are  called  on  to  spout?  We  see  no  "fiery 
tongues"  on  their  lumber-garrets,  though  we  hear  them  from  their 
mouths  denouncing  hell-fire  to  all  unbelievers,  and  such  as  dare  to 
pry  into  their  holy  pilfering  mysteries. 


PREAMBLE.  IB 

they  say,  are  odds  at  foot-ball ;  and  who  could  suppose  in 
such  a  contest  they  would  come  off  second  best,  and  leave 
the  grim  fiend  triumphant,  to  snap  his  black  fingers,  and 
laugh  at  their  iuellectujil  efforts  to  rescue  the  Yahoo  from 
his  clutches  (which  they  themselves  admit,  and  to  con- 
tinue in  his  career,  "  Going  about  like  a  roaring  lion"  [oh, 
that  it  were  a  Picadilly  one,  that  we  might  laugh  at  its  bray- 
ing!], and  seeking  whom  he  may  devour. 

But  "  why  Goramity  no  kill  debil  ?"  as  Friday  said  to  his 
master,  '*  Goramity  all  good,  all  strong  !"  Ah,  why,  in 
deed  !  poor  Crusoe  was  sadly  puzzled,  and  wished  he  had 
a  bishop  at  his  elbow  to  answer  the  poor  ignorant  savage. 
Whence  has  the  ugly  rascal  so  much  power  ?  Is  it  not  as- 
tonishing, after  the  repeated  attempts  of  the  Lamb  &l  Co. 
(Goramity's  delegates  here  on  earth),. to  rescue  the  poor  Ya- 
hoo from  debil's  claws,  by  bugaboo  visitations,  bible-poriiig, 
tract-snuffling,  and  hymn-singing,*  as  well  as  by  catechizing, 
churching,  confirming,  and  parsonizing  in  every  way  pos- 
sible, that  he  should  still  continue  in  a  state ^of  sin?  Is 
it  with  filthy  lucre  and  the  "  mammon  of  unrighteousness" 
that  Satan  lures  the  precious  soul  of  the  Yahoo  from  the 
narrow  to  the  broad  way,  which  leadeth  to  the  bottomless 
pit  ?  Yea,  verily  it  looketh  very  like  it,  for  that  the  Wick- 
ed One  knoweth  full  well  to  be  a  never-failing  bait,  and 
holdeth  it  up  before  the  peepers  of  such  as  are  not  strong 
in  the  Lord  Jesus ;  even  as  the  recruiting  sergeant  holdeth 
up  a  shiner  to  tempt  the  bumpkin  to  cast  aside  his  smock- 
frock,  and  become  a  gentleman.  And  when  do  our  spirit- 
ual pastors  and  masters,  who  are  eternally  croaking  about 

m 
*The  following  is  a  specimen  of  the  Godly  cat-lap  the  saints  resale 
the  Lord  with  in  their  gospel  shops : — 

"What  is  now  to  children  the  dearest  thing  here? 

To  he  the  Lamb's  lambkins,  and  chickens  most  dear. 

Such  lambkins  are  nourished  with  food  that  is  best; 

Such  chickens  sit  safely  and  warm  in  their  nest. 

And  when  Satan  at  an  liour, 

Comes  our  cliickens  to  devour, 

Let  the  chihh'en's  anirel  say, 

These  are  Clirist's  chicks,  go  thy  wny." 

Soutltei/s  Life  of  Wesley. 
See  more  of  this  stuff  in  the  Bath  Guide,  p.  57 ;  with  an  excellent 
parody,  p.  129. 

2 


14  PREAMBI-K. 

the  depravity  of  the  heart,  and  the  corruptive  quality  of 
riches,  ever  renounce  them  if  ihey  are  possibly  come-at- 
ahle  ?  "  Tant  que  la  fortune,  les  honneurs,  et  le  vice  seront 
d'un  cote,  la  pauvrete,  Tabandon,  et  la  vertu  de  I'autre,  le 
choix  des  hommes  ne  sera  pas  douteux.  On  pourra  vivre 
dans  le  vice,  sans  Vivre  dans  Fopprobre,  on  pourra  meme  se 
perdre  pour  une  bonne  action  :  mais  il  y  aura  un  culte  pub- 
lic, et  ce  culte  fleurira  au  milieu  des  mauvaises  moeurs, 
comme  nn  plante  parasite  sur  un  tronc  pourri."J 

*'  If  our  tongues  correspond  with  our  hearts,"  says  Dean 
Swift,  *' men  will  avoid  our  company,  because  their  faults 
will  not  be  com})limented  ;  and  if  the  heart  and  tongue  do 
not  agree,  we  must  certainly  have  a  very  mean  opinion  of 
ourselves,  if  we  have  the  least  notion  of  honesty;  never- 
theless it  is  so  necessary  in  life,  that  it  has  become  an  art. 
He  that  can  make  his  countenance  applaud  an  object,  though 
his  heart  despises  it,  is  what  is  called  a  tveJl-hred  man,  a  po- 
lite gentleman,  and  one  who  knows  the  world." 

The  following  petite  ouvrage  was  composed  at  different 
times,  from  observations  of  the  prevailing  follies  and  vices, 
and  irrational  conduct  of  the  lords  of  reason  ;  the  greatest 
part  many  years  since,  as  may  be  supposed  by  the  allusion 
to  Master  Betty,  the  Cock  Lane  ghost,  &:c.  It  was  not 
intended  for  the  press,  but  written  merely  as  a  matter  of 
amusement,  in  a  profound  retirement,  far  from  the  metropo- 
lis, and  is  now  brought  by  accident  before  the  reading  pub- 
lic for  their  recreation  in  this  "  march  of  mind,"  and  "spread 
of  intellect"  era ;  not  with  any  view  to  profit,  as  may  readi- 
ly l>e  imagined,  but  rather  in  the  full  persuasion  that  by 
ninety-nine  out  of  every  hundred  of  the  enlightened  and 
intelligent  Yahoo  race,  the  author  will  be  consigned  to  the 
fiery  lake  of  the  Black  Prince.  This  must  naturally  be 
expected  :  very  few  are  pleased  when  their  vices  and  ab- 
surdities are  held  up  to  derision  ;  especially  their  darling 
superstitious  practices  of  hocus-pocus,  mumbo-jumbo,  and 
fee-faw-fum  ;  that  being  by  church  logic  a  "  sin  against  the 
Holy  Ghost,"  and  never  to  be  forgiven.  The  Odium  The- 
^logicum,  which,  as  Mr.   Lawrence  justly  observes,  is  the 

*  Letter  from  the  Marquis  de  Rivarol  to  M.  Necker. 


PREAMBLE.  15 

**  most  concentrated  essence  of  rancor  and  animosity,"  is 
sure  to  be  vomited  forth  against  all  such  productions  as 
militate  against  their  usurpations,  and  expose  their  moun- 
tebank iuoglery  ;  for  the  same  reason  that  policemen  are 
execrated  and  fired  at  by  a  banditti  of  thieves  when  molest- 
ed in  the  exercise  of  their  profession.  This  indeed  is  not 
to  be  wondered  at,  agreeing  with  Sqnara^s  "  rule  of  right 
and  fitness  of  things."  Caw  me,  caw  thee,  and  vice  versa^ 
curry  me,  curry  thee. 

But  there  is  another  tribe  whose  malevolence  is  conspic- 
uous upon  such  occasions,  who  are  paid,  as  well  as  the 
former  class,  for  the  venom  they  spit  forth,  and  whose  slan- 
der and  scurrility  is  directed  against  every  one  whose  prin- 
ciples are  suspected  of  being  inimical  to  the  "  powers  that 
be,"  whether  of  the  Lord  Jesus  or  of  the  liOrd  of  Hell,  who, 
as,  Lord  Byron  observes,  "  feed  by  lying  and  slandering 
and  slake  their  thirst  by  evil  speaking,"  who  skulk  in  the 
dark,  and  like  a  hydra,  or  many-headed  monster,  begin 
hissing  and  barking  at  those  who  express  disapprobation  of 
the  follies  and  vices  of  the  higher  orders,  many  of  whom 
are  notorious  for  their  ap.ostacy,  and  obtain  laureateships, 
and  monuments  in  cathedrals,*  from  their  direliction  of  truth 

Tlie  great  Moralist,  or  Rex  porcorum,  it  was  confidently  reported, 
during  the  American  war,  and  soon  after  he  "changed  his  coat,  and 
would  have  changed  his  skin"  (as  Lord  Byron  says  of  the  laureate), 
was  engaged  in  drawing  up  inflammatory  addresses  to  the  negroes  in 
the  Southern  states,  instigating  them  to  set  fire  to  their  master's  plan- 
tations, and  go  over  to  the  British  army,  where  they  would  be  protect- 
ed and  rewarded  1  At  tliat  time  Edmund  Burke,  one  of  the  chiefs  in 
the  gang  of  apostates,  was  sucli  a  violent  enemy  to  royalty,  that  he 
proposed  in  the  collective  a  reduction  of  the  Inngly  power,  even  in  the 
article  of  guttling!  And  in  l.'iter  days,  have  we  not  Wat  Tyler  staring 
us  in  the  face,  among  other  barefaced  instances  oi  sop4n-the-pan  hunt- 
ers! who  have  totally  disregarded  character  and  principle?     But 

"  The  silver  turnip's  tempting  skin. 
Draws  such  base  hogs  through  thick  and  thin." 

Or,  as  Churchill  observes, 

"Convinced,  I  changed  (can  any  man  do  more? 
And  have  not  greater  patriots  changed  before?)  ; 
Changed,  I  at  once  (can  any  man  do  less?), 
Without  a  single  blush,  that  change  confess; 
Confess  it  with  a  manly  kind  of  pride. 
And  quit  the  losing  for  the  winning  side." 


16  PREAMBLE. 

and  principle  ;*  possessing  supple  "  wha  wants  wie"  sort  of 
consciences,  and  who  are  ready  for  any  dirty  work  at  the 
nod  of  th^ir  employers  :  such  have  hissed  and  barked  at 
Gibbon,  Dr.  Wolcot,  Horace  Walpole,  Lady  Morgan,  Lord 
Byron,  and  other  writers  of  distinguished  abilities ;  but 
they  are  paid  for  their  work,  and  it's  all  one  to  such  hire- 
lings whether  they  labor  in  the  Lord's  vineyard  or  the 
devil's. 

That  we  live  in  a  vitiated  age  (notwithstanding  the  so 
much  boasted  "  spread  and  stream  of  intellect"),  and  that 
a  general  corruption  has  taken  place,  and  rendered  morals 
a  laughing-stock,  is  notorious  and  universally  admitted ; 
but  then  we  are  blessed  with  a  superabundance  of  godli- 
ness, alias  cant,t  to  qualify  it  and  make  amends  :  every 
pious  swindler  now  can  let  off  half  a  dozen  gospel  squibs 
in  your  face,  about  Paul's 'snipping  off  a  bit  of  poor  Tim's 
trapstick,J  and  such  holy  stuff,  and  give  you  chapter  and 
verse,  like  Cuddy's  mother  in  the  *'  Tales  of  my  Landlord," 
while  he  is  drawing  the  watch  or  handkerchief  out  of  your 
pocket. 

"  Such  is  the  modern  apostolic  race, 
Reformed,  regenerated  rogues  o^  grace — 
Who  sigh  for  heaven,  yet  God  in  Mammon  see, 
And  pick  a  pocket  on  the  suppliant  knee ; 
One  eye  to  God,  lamenting  moral  evil, 
The  other  winking  down  upon  the  devil : 
One  voice  to  Heaven,  *  To  good  my  lieart  incline!' 
And  one  in  whispers,  'Satan,  I  am  thine !' " 

Peter  Pindar. 
And  to  the  same  tune  singeth  Nic,^  "  Non  vi  e  bisogna 
che  tu  abbia  tutte  le  qualita,  che  ho  detto  [religion]  ma  sol- 
amente  che  tu  mostri  di  averle."     And  again,  in  speaking 

*  "Oh,  for  a  world,  in  principle  as  chaste 
As  this  is  gross  and  selfish ;  over  which 
Custom  and  prejudice  shall  bear  no  sway, 
That  govern  all  things  here,  should'ring  aside 
The  meek  and  modest  truth,  and  forcing  her 
To  seek  a  refuge  from  the  tongue  of  strife 
In  nooks  obscure,  far  from  the  ways  of  men." — Cowper. 
f  It  is  rather  remarkable  that  all   official  ecclesiastical  documents, 
hatched  and  cuddled  into  shape  at  Lambeth,  should  be  signed  by  the 
grand  humbug,  cant!     It  is  a  curious  coincidence,  and  certainly  very 
appropriate. 

X  Acts  of  the  Apostles,  xyi.  §  Machiavelli 


PREAMBLE.  ^  17 

on  the  same  topic,  he  observes,  "Ma  quest'ultima  qualita  e 
quella  che  importa  pin  di  ogni  altra  di  avere  esteriormente  /" 
This  is  instruction  for  a  prince!  Cant  and  kingdom  come, 
for  ever !     Amen. 

7'he  Yahoo  race  consists  of  two  classes,  the  bamboozlers 
and  the  bamboozled  ;  the  cry  of  the  latter  (of  the  lowest 
class)  is  "  Gin  and  Jesus,"  while  that  of  the  upper  class 
is  "  Church  and  State,"  with  a  "  let  well  alone."  The 
motto  of  the  knowing  ones  is,  "  Si  populus  vult  decipi 
decipiatur ;"  i.  e., 

"If  hiimbns^ged  thus  the  people  choose  to  be, 
Why,  let  'em,  since  it  brings  the  chink  to  me 
There's  none  so  blind  as  those  who  will  not  see." 

•'  Oh,  Dio  mio  !"  said  a  recent  pope,  after  giving  the  apos- 
tolical blessing  to  fifty  or  sixty  thousand  persons  from  the 
balcony  of  St.  Peter's  chur.ch  on  Easter  Sunday,  the  troops 
gaping  to  receive  it,  and  the  multitude  all  on  their  marrow- 
bones, the  cannons  roaring  and  bells  jingling,  *'  Oh,  Dio 
mio !  quanto  e  facile  di  coglionare  le  gente  !"* 

The  mob  who  stand  gaping  at  the  cup  and  ball  juggler, 
are  as  much  delighted  as  Mr.  Lickpenny,  who  pockets 
their  contributions  ;  as  Hudibras  observes — 

"Doubtless  the  pleasure  is  as  great 
In  being  cheated  as  to  cheat." 

Reading  Public,  shouldst  thou  relish  the  above  pream- 
ble, en  avant,  there's  more  sour  krout  for  thee,  and  buon 
PRO  VI  faccia. 

*  Forsyth's  Travels. 

2* 


ATJTHOEITIES. 


"For  that  whicli  befalleth  the  sons  of  men  befalleth  beasts,  even 
one  thing  befalleth  them,  as  the  one  dieth  so  dieth  the  other;  yea, 
they  have  all  one  breath,  so  that  a  man  hath  no  pre-eminence  above  a 
beast;  all  go  vmto  one  place;  all  are  of  the  dust,  and  all  turn  to  dust 
again." — Eccles.  iii. 

"For  the  dead  know  not  anything,  neither  have  they  any  more  a 
reward." — Ibfd.  ix. 

"Nevertheless,  man  being  in  honor,  abideth  not;  he  is  like  the 
beasts  that  perish." — Psalm  xlix. 

"So  lie  that  goeth  down  to  the  grave  shall  come  up  no  more.  He 
shall  return  no  more  to  his  house." — Job  ix. 

*So  man  lieth  down  and  riseth  not  till  the  heavens  be  no  more, 
they  shall  not  awake,  nor  be  raised  out  of  their  sleep." — Job  xiv. 

"He  shall  perish  for  ever  like  his  own  dung." — Ibid  xx. 

"We  are  all  as  an  unclean  thing."* — Isaiah  Ixiv. 

"What  is  man  that  he  should  be  clean?  how  much  more  abomina- 
ble and  filthy  is  man  ?" — Job  xv. 

"For  the  imagination  of  man's  heart  is  evil  from  his  youth." — 
Gen.  viii. 

"The  heart  of  man  is  deceitful  above  all  things  and  desperately 
wicked." — Jesus. 

"  Why  died  I  not  from  the  womb?  why  did  I  not  give  up  the  ghost 
when  I  came  out  of  the  belly?  For  now  should  I  have  lain  still  and 
been  quiet;  I  should  have  slejjt;  then  had  I  been  at  rest." — Job  iii. 

"Understand,  ye  brutish  among  the  people;  and  ye  fools,  when 
will  ye  be  wise?" — ^Psalm  xciv.f 

"Every  man  is  brutish  by  his  own  knowledge." — Jeremiah  li. 

*  What  that  is  may  bo  found  out  in  Dcutoronomy  xxiil. 
t  Never  while  they  read  bibles. 


THE  YAHOO. 


"De  tons  les  animaux  qui  s'elevent  dans  Tair, 
Qui  marchent  sur  la  terre,  ou  nagent  dans  la  mer, 
De  Paris  an  Pcron,  dn  Japon  jusqu'  a  Rome, 
Le  plus  sot  animal,  a  mon  avis,  c'est  V  liomme." — Boileau. 

"  Could  I  but  choose  what  flesh  and  blood  I'd  wear, 
I'd  be  a  dog,  a  monkey,  or  a  benr; 
.  Or  anything  but  that  vain  animal, 

Who  is  so  proud  of  being  rational." — Lord  Rochester. 

So  sung  Boileau,  when  Louis,  styled  the  Great, 
Kept  up  his  court  of  profligates  in  state  : 
So  Wilmot  sung  in  Charles's  vicious  reign  ;* 
And  is  there  now  less  reason  to  complain  ? 
The  race  is  much  improved  we're  told — 'tis  true  ; 
It  is  improved — in  vice,  and  folly  tooif 
From  bad  to  worse,  whatever  is  pretended, 
As  ale  that's  sour  in  sultry  weather's  mended. 
The  present  "  all-accomplished"  Yahoo  breed, 
May  boast  their  "  spread  of  intellect,"  indeed ; 
The  "  best  of  education"  now's  the  word 
From  tripe  and  dog's-meat  venders,  to  my  lord  : 
But  does  this  lacker  change  the  Yahoo's  nature  ?f 

*  "His  court,  the  dissolute  and  hateful  school 

Of  wantonness,  where  vice  was  taught  by  rule." — Cowper. 

j-  "  Such  now  are  held  as  nothing. — "We  begin 
Where  our  sires  ended,  and  improve  in  sin ; 
Rack  our  invention,  and  leave  nothing  new 
In  vice  and  folly  for  our  sons  to  dio.*'— Churchill. 

\  "The  boasted  knowledcje  of  England,"  says  a  certain  apostate, 
"has  not  sunk  deep  ;  it  is  like  the  golden  surface  of  a  lackered  watch, 
which  covers,  and  but  barely  covers,  the  base  metal.     The  great  mass 


20  ,  THE    YAHOO  I 

Is  he  not  still  the  same  vile,  silly  creature? 

The  "  spread  of  jntellect,"  so  much  his  boast. 

Is  but  leaf-gold  spread  on  a  rotten  post. 

Polish'd  he  may  be,  varnished  high  enough, 

But  still  'tis  ornament  on  paltry  stuff. 

Can  a  Sir-rev.  ...  be  fragrant  made 

By  stirring  it  about  with  marmalade  ? 

"  Then  just  as  much  you'll  mend  the  breed,"  says  Quin, 

To  Jerry  Melford,  with  malicious  grin.* 

But  what  says  Swift? — "  Oh,  dear!"  Miss  Dawdle  cries, 

"  That  filthy  parson's  writings- 1  despise  ; 

Such  poor,  low,  vulgar  stuff,  is  never  read 

By  quality,  or  such  as  are  well  bred."t 

Your  pardon.  Ma'am,  a  few  lines  from  the  Dean, 

Multiun  in  parvo,  tells  yoiv  what  we  mean. 

Swift  tells  us  then,  a  cook  once  tried  to  make 
A  certain  something  into  a  pkmi-cake  ; 
He  mixed  it  up  with  eggs,  and  plums  and  spice. 
And  candied  orange-peel,  to  make  it  nice  ; 

of  tlie  people  are  as  ignorant,  and  as  well  contented  with  their  ignor- 
ance, as  any  of  the  most  illiterate  nations  in  Europe  ;  and  even  among 
those  who  might  be  expected  to  know  better,  it  is  astonishing  how 
slowly  information  makes  way  to  any  practical  utility.'- — Letters  from 
Spain. 

*  "But  when  I  appealed  to  Quin,  and  asked  him,  if  he  did  not  think 
such  an  unreserved  mixture  (of  the  liigher  classes  with  the  lower  afc 
Bath)  would  improve  the  whole  mass? — 'Yes,'  said  he,  'as  a  plate  of 
marmalade  would  improve  a  pan  of  Sir-rev....  ce.' " — Hmnphrey 
Clinker. 

f  The  works  of  Swift,  Smollett,  Fielding,  Gay,  and  even  Pope,  in 
consequence  of  the  vast  "spread  of  intellect,"  are  at  present  consid- 
ered as  low  and  vulgar,  and  unfit  for  the  perusal  of  persons  genteelly 
brought  up,  as  it  is  termed,  who  by  everlasting  poring  over  the  nov- 
elties of  the  day,  larded  with  "dove-like  eyes,  long  silken  eye-lashes, 
graceful  attitudes,  sylph-like  forms,  exquisitely  fine-formed  limbs, 
graceful  bendings  over  and  sweeping  the  strings  of  the  harp,"  &c., 
cfec,  have  become  so  highly-purified  and  double-refined  in  their  feel- 
ings, that  they  are  almost  frightened  into  fits  by  any  expression  of 
humor.  Lord  Byron  is  now  scouted,  it  seems,  in  what  is  termed  gen- 
teel society.  "Plus  les  moeurs  sont  depraves,"  says  Voltaire,  with 
great  truth,  "  plus  les  expressions  deviennent  mesurees,  on  eroit  regag- 
ner  en  langage  ce  qu'on  a  perdu  en  vertn.  La  pudeur  s'est  enfuite 
des  coeurs  et  s'est  refugiee  sur  les  levres." 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  21 

Then  sugared  it  all  o'er  to  make  it  s^'eet, 
But  still  he  found  it  wasn't  fit  to  eat ; 
At  last,  "  God  rot  the  nasty  mess  !''  he  muttered, 
*'  It  isn't  worth  ^  fig  when  cooked  and  buttered  ; 
To  mix  good  things  with  bad,  wiseacres  say, 
Is  only  throwing  your  good  things  away." 

Thus,  tho'  the  best  of  education's  given, 
There  still  predominates  the  native  leaver). 
One  might  define  the  present  polished  race, 
An  outside  virtuous,  with  an  inside  base  ; 
Or  classed  with  quadrupeds,  a  kind  of  monkeys, 
Or  orang-outangs,  crossed  with  wolves  and  donkeys  ;* 
Whose  varied  actions  analyzed,  disclose 
The  hateful  nature  both  of  these  and  those. f 
The  gods,  we're  told,  produced  the  precious  crew 
To  laugh  at,  when  they  knew  not  what  to  do  ; 
When  they  were  all  ennuiUl  with  state  aflTairs, 
To  make  them  merry  they  would  peep  down  stairs  : 
And  sure  the  tom-fool's  actions  here  on  earth, 
Must  cause  their  godships  everlasting  mirth. 

Who  would  suppose,  to  hear  him  boast  his  shade, 
Man  bore  so  great  resemblance  to  an  ape  ?| 

*  "Read  liist'ry  thro',  in  every  page 

You'll  see  how  men  with  thoughtless  rage, 
Each  other  rob,  destroy,  and  burn, 
To  serve  a  priest's  or  statesman's  turn; 
Tho'  acting  in  a  diff' rent  name, 
Yet  always  Asses,  much  the  same." — Doddey. 
f  "Our  race  in  general,"  says  Horace  Walpole,  "is  pestilently  bad 
and  malevolent;"    and  Lord  Byron  seems  of  the  same  opinion,  since 
he  observes,  "that  mankind  are  every  way  despicable  in  their  different 
absurdities." — Letters  to  Dallas. 

\  "Of  beasts,  it  is  confessed,  the  ape 
Comes  nearest  us  in  human  sliape: 
Like  man  he  imitates  each  fashion, 
And  malice  is  his  ruling  passion." — G oldstnith. 
"  C'est    urie   grande    question    parmi   les    N5gres,"   says   Voltaire, 
"s'ils  sont   descendus   des   singes,  ou  si  les  singes  sont  venus  d'eux. 
Kos  sages  ont  dit   que    I'liomme    est   Timnge   de   Dieu  1      Voila  une 
plaisante  image  de  I'Etre  eternel  I  qu'un  nez  noir  6pate,  avec  peu  ou 
point  d'intelligence." — Lcttres  D'Amahed. 


22  THE     YAHOO : 

The  monkey's  form  is  ugly,  he'll  confess  ; 

But  what's  his  own,  when  undisguised  by  dress  ? 

Of  elegant  baboons  he  does  not  talk,* 

Because  they  do  not  on  their  Jiind  legs  walk  ;t 

But  give  me  pug ;  what  puppy,  tho'  from  France, 

Can  vie  with  him  in  gambol,  or  in  dance  1\ 

If  you  the  monkey  with  the  man  compare, 

You'll  own  the  latter  dances  like  a  bear. 

Pug  has  beside  a  comfortable  coat, 

But  what's  the  Yahoo's  hide  worth?  not  a  groat. § 

To  judge  between  them  fairly,  he  should  strip, 

And  show  how  much  he  owes  to  brother  Snip. 

If  he  (as  to  compare  he  should)  appeared 

In  buff,  and  with  a  hideous  shaggy  beard  ;I| 

With  tangled  locks,  soot-colored,  we'll  suppose. 

Thro'  which  you  just  could  spy  his  eyes  and  nose  ; 

*  This  epitlie_t  (elegant)  is  now  applied  to  every  whiskered  pivp- 
py  who  struts  up  and  down  Pali-Mall,  or  in  the  Park,  with  a  cock- 
ade in  his  hat,  by  the  wish3^-washy,  cat-lap  novel-writers  of  the  day, 
who  are,  it  is  true,  mostly  of  the  feminine  gender,  and  therefore  more 
excusable. 

f  "  Quelques  philosophes  ont  defini  Thomme  un  singe  qui  rit^  d'au- 
tres  un  animal  credule.  Get  animal,  ajoutent-ils,  est  monte  sur  deux 
jatiibes,  a  les  doigts  flexible,  des  mains  adroites:  il  a  beaucoup  de  be- 
soins,  en  consequence  beaucoup  d'industrie.  D'ailleurs  aussi  vain  et 
aussi  orgueilleux  que  credule  :  il  pense  que  le  monde  est  fait  pour  lui." 
• — Helvetius. 

\  "What  mortal  can  like  monkeys  dance  a  jig? 

What  man  from  bough  to  bough  like  jackoo  springs? 
Ingenious  rogue,  who  twists  his  tail  and  swings." — Pindar. 

§  John  Ziska,  it  is  said,  desired  that  after  his  death  a  drum  might 
be  made  of  his  skin,  which  he  predicted  when  beat  would  always 
terrify  his  enemies,  and  occasion  them  to  fly.  "  Que  le  succes,"  says 
Helvetius,  "justifia  toujours;"  consequently  the  Yahoo's  hide  is  good 
for  something. 

II  As  God  the  Father  is  always  represented  with  a  majestic  beard, 
and  has  made  man  in  his  own  image,  it  may  be  fairly  presumed  Adam 
was  furnislied  with  this  superb  ornament  to  the  human  phiz.  Is 
it  not  tiien  in  the  spirit  of  contumacy  that  the  Yahoo  deprives  him- 
self of  it,  upon  the  supposition  that  he  looks  better  without  it?  At 
least,  this  was  the  opinion  of  the  old  twattlers,  called  "Fathers  of  the 
Church."  •  TertuUian  observes,  "Shaving  the  beard  is  a  lie  against  our 
own  faces,  and  an  impious  attempt  to  improve  the  works  of  the  Cre- 
ator,"—  Gibbon,  chnp.  xv. 


A    SATIRICAL     RHAPSODY.  23 

Uncombed,  unwashed,  unlicked,  as  he  was  first 

When  he  was  manufactured  out  of  dust ; 

There's  not  a  creature  that  has  any  sense, 

But  what  would  give  poor  pu^  the  preference  ; 

Instead  of  viewing  him  with  fond  delight, 

They'd  run  a^from  the  devil,  in  a  fright ; 

Yet  this  conceited,  silly,  blown-up  elf, 

Affirms  Jehovah's  made  just  like  himself.* 

Formed  like  his  Maker !  who  could  then  suppose. 

To  hide  the  workmanship  he'd  want  small-clothes  ?t 

Made  like  a  God  !  in  great  Jehovah's  shape  ! 

Yes,  so  he  would  be,  tho'  he  were  an  ape. 

If  monkeys  e'er  made  gods,  their  ?iohle  natures 

Would  make  them  like  themselves,  with  handsoine  features  ; 

See  godlike  Yahoos  their  devotions  pay 

In  Cloacina's  temple,  night  and  day  : 

The  rich,  the  poor,  the  humble,  and  the  great, 

Set  in  fine  attitudes,  and — grunt  in  state. J 

Like  other  noble  animals,  we  find  - 

He  eats,  and  sleeps,  and  propagates  his  kind : 

But  then  to  propagate's  so  like  a  beast — 

For  Yahoo's  in  Jehovah's  form,  at  least  :^ 

*  "  If  God  has  mafle  man  in  his  own  image,"  says  Helvetins,  "  the 
biped  has  returned  the  compliment  by  making  God  in  Ais;"  or,  as 
Voltaire  observes : — 

"  C'est  que  I'homme  amoiireiix  de  son  sot  esclavage, 
Fit  dans  son  prejuge  Dieu  m^rne  en  son  image 
Nous  I'avons  fait  injuste,  emporte,  vain,  jaloux, 
Seducteur,  inconstant,  barbare  eomme  nous." 
f  Small-clothes  and  inexpressibles  are  the  delicate  molly-coddle  terms 
of  the  dandified,  cravat-tying  puppies  of  the  present  day ;  to  wlioni 
the  very  sound  of  the  word  breeches  would  inevitably  occasion  fjiint- 
ing  fits,  and  require  an  application   of  the  smelling-bottle  for   ll>eir 
recovery. 

J  See  an  illustrative  print  called  the  "State  of  the  Nation,"  publif^hed 
by  Bowles  &  Co.,  St.  Paul's  Church  Yard,  in  which  half*a  dozen  "loi'ds 
of  the  creation."  and  as  many  ladies,  are  exhibited  in  grand  sfyle,  pour- 
ing out  their  tributary  offerings  at  the  shrine  of  the  goddess. 

§  Tt  is  very  extraordinary  that  the  action  of  reproduction  of  such 
a  noble  animal  as  a  Yahoo,  to  which  the  irreat  Jehovah  himself  con- 
tributes, by  furnishing  it  with  a  soul,  should  be  considered  as  shanie- 
fnl  and  wicked  (fi'oni  the  sinful  lusts  of  the  ilosh),  while  the  destruc- 
tion   of  thousands  of  the  noble  race   is   biirhlv  honorable  and  even 


24  THE    YAHOO  .* 

And  tho'  God  says,  "  increase  and  multiply," 

About  the  business  they  seem  rather  shy ; 

Their  females  eagerly  at  times  they  seek, 

And  then  in  some  dark  corner  with  them  sneak.* 

Indeed  to  eat,  to  drink,  to  sleep,  to  propagate. 

Degrades  God's  "  images"  at  any  rate  ;t         3- 

And  with  their  pride  and  boasting  but  ill  suits, 

As  on  a  level  placino^  them  with  brutes. 

Made  like  a  god  !   what !  do  they  then  suppose 

Their  god  has,  like  themselves,  mouth,  eyes,  and  nose  1 

The  bloated  biped,  arrogant  and  blind, 

Has  SEX  and  form  to  Nature's  God  assigned! 

(With  bushy  beard  and  genitals,  no  doubt. 

How  could  he  ever  get  a  son  without?) 

or  gender  masculine  their  god  must  be. 

And  in  large  letters  written  him  and  he  ?J 

Sitting  in  clouds  upon  a  golden  throne. 

In  company  with  Holy  Ghost  and  Son  ; 

While  twenty  thousand  trumpeters  sit  round  him, 

Whose  blasts  must  now  and  then  confound  him ; 

Such  heaven,  without  a  mistress  or  a  wife, 

Must  be  a  stupid,  muddling  sort  of  life, 

Oh,  what  a  Deity  !  give  me  old  Jove, 

With  all  his  jolly  company  above  ; 

glorious! — Bolingbroke  observes,  that  "from  an  excess  of  pride  man 
avoids  everything  that  assimilates  him  to  the  brute,  and  consequently 
gets  out  of  sight  for  the  business  of  procreation,  as  well  as  in  some 
other  humiliating  actions  by  which  his  dignity  is  lowered,  and  which 
places  him  on  the  same  level  with  the  quadruped." — See  Philosophical 
J£ssays,  vol.  i.,  p.  7,  and  vol.  iv.,  p.  126. 

*  *']Srone  shun  the  day  and  seek  the  shades  of  night, 

^        But  those  whose  actions  can  not  bear  the  light." — Churchill. 

f  "Lorsqu'on  voit,"  says  Montaign,  "un  chancelier  avec  sa  simarre, 
sa  liirge  peruke,  et  son  air  compose,  il  n'est  point  de  tableau  plus 
plaisant  a  se  faire,  que  de  se  peindre  ce  meme  chancelier  sur  la  chaise- 
percee,  ou  consommant  I'oeuvre  de  marriage." 

X  in  the  present  rage  of  fanatical  cant,  these  pronouns  are  always 
written  in  large  and  marked  characters,  in  the  trashy  productions  with 
which  we  are  inundated  ;  but  a  N.  B.  should  be  added,  to  instru'.'t  the 
reader  to  turn  up  his  eyes  to  the  ceiling,  and  also  to  cross  himself  (as 
a  Methodist  does  at  the  mention  of  the  devil),  whenever  these  repre-. 
sentatives  of  the  great  Jehovah  stare  him  in  the  face. 


A    SATIRICAL     RHAPSODY.  25 

.  And  not  this  gloomy  being,  with  his' clerk, 
To  watch  what  Yahoos  do  when  in  the  dark  ;* 
And  write  down  whether  they  all  fast  and  pray, 
Or  eat  a  sprat  on  such  and  such  a  day. 
If  to  your  maker  gender  must  be  given, 
Why  not  a  female  power  reside  in  heaven  ? 
Tho'  many  vices  taint  the  female  breast, 
They're  not  so  gross  as  man's — tho'  bad's  the  best, 
'Tis  not  in  virtue,  or  superior  sense  ; 
In  Brutal  sense  consist  man's  excellence. 
Is  there  a  difference  of  sex  in  mind  ? 
Those  who  affirm  it  must  be  gravel-blind. 
In  wit,  in  genius,  and  perception  true, 
There's  not  a  straw  to  choose  between  the  two. 
Yet  Eve  stands  foremost  in  the  first-made' couple. 
By  mustering  courage  up  to  eat  the  apple  ;t 
While  Mister  Adam,  like  a  sneaking  cur. 
Ate  afterward,  and  laid  the  blame  on  her; 
But  jabbering  Paul  bids  women  all  obey, 
And  who  to  such  a  jabberer  dare  say  nay  ? 
This  saint,  says  Voltaire,  had  a  mutton  fist, 
And  would  have  women  thumped  as  well  as  kissed; 
But  this  in  iEsop's  fables  is  explained, 
Where  Leo  to  the  boasting  man  complain'd.J 

Or  if  the  Yahoo  needs  must  thump  his  craw, 
Could  not  the  glorious  orb  attention  draw. 
Whose  splendid  beams  diffuse  both  warmth  and  light, 
Without  which  all  would  be  eternal  night  1 

*  What  delectable  employment  for  a  Deity,  to  be  eternally  watch- 
ing such  contemptible  grubs  in  all  their  silly  and  wicked  actions  niglit 
and  day  I  And  what  heavenly  gratification  to  behold  forty  or  fifty 
thousand  animals,  upon  two  stumps  (to  say  nothing  of  the  horses; 
they,  poor  things,  are  not  blessed  with  immortal  souls),  who  are  cut- 
ting one  another  to  atoms  in  his  holy  name,  and  with  his  embassadors 
for  bottle-holders! 

•[•  "  Here,"  says  she  "  you  cowardly,  faint-hearted  wretch,  take  this 
heavenly  fruit,  eat,  and  be  a  stupid  fool  no  longer ;  eat,  and  become 
wise;  eat,  and  be  a  god;  and  know,  to  your  eternal  shame,  that  your 
wife  has  been  made  an  enlightened  goddess  before  you." — History  of 
the  Devil. 

X  Fable  of  the  Lion  ntid  the  Man. 


26  THE    YAHOO : 

Instead  of  mumbling  over  such  hum-drum, 

Unmeaning  silly  stuff  as  "  kingdom  come," 

About  the  Father-god  "  which  art  in  heaven — " 

(Erjglish  no  parish-boy  would    have  forgiven). 

But  then  the  Sun  a  maker  had,  he'll  say : 

Suppose  it — but  who  made  that  maker  pray  ? 

Oh,  he's  self-existent  !  then's  the  cry  ; 

Ohscurium  per  obscuriifs,  I  reply. — 

In  metaphysic  subtleties  thus  crossed, 

The  further  we  jog  on  the  more  w^e're  lost.* 

Discussed  eternally,  it  still  appears, 

Like  Paddy's  ale  to  thicken  as  it  clears. 

But  grant  man's  form  divine,  on  Bible  proof; 

Is  not  the  composition  wretched  stuff? 

Annoyed  by  winter's  cold  and  summer's  heat, 

Which  brings  by  turns  kibed  heels  and  sweaty  feet,| 

How  does  the  learned  SmellfungusJ  describe 

The  imperfections  of  the  Yahoo  tribe  ? 

Not  riff-raff  in  St.  Giles's  cellars  bred. 

But  tip-top  quality,  by  fashion  led ; 

Ladies  and  lords,  in  Bath  assembly  rooms, 

Where  Yahoo  stinks  are  mingled  with  perfumes!* 

"It  was  indeed,"  saysV,  "a  compound  vile, 

Which  any  parish  hog  wobld  smell  a  mile  : 

Imagine  then  extremes  of  stink  and  sweet, 

From  Lavender  and  musk,  and  dirty  feet ; 

Imposthumated  lungs  and  rotten  teeth ; 

Hartshorn,  salvolatile,  and  stinking  breath  ; 

Sour  belchings,  running  sores,  and  putrid  gums  :"§ 

»*  The  king  of  Prussia,  Frederick  II.,  used  to  say,  a  metaphysician 
was  like  a  well-digger — the  deeper  he  went  the  more  he  was  in  the 
dark. 

f  "No  earthly  joys  are  found  complete; 
Tlie  winter's  cold  and  summer's  heat, 
Produce  kibed  heels  and  sweaty  feet." — Old  Ballad. 
X  Dr.  Smollett,  so  named  by  Sterne. 

§  If  the  reader  should  be  a  little  squeamish,  and  disgusted  with  Dr. 
Smellfungus's  description  of  the  Yahoo's  defects,  he  is  requested  to 
cleanse  and  purify  liis  imagination  by  reading  Eabshaknh's  delicate 

mag  about  eatini^  "their  own  duns;  and  drinking  their  own "  (2 

Kings,  chap,  xviii.) ;  and  whieli,  being  a  choice  morsel  of  holy  instiiie- 


A     SATIRICAL    RIlAPSODy.  27 

(It's  well  he  does  not  \uenl\on  Jiddle-lmms  ! 

Since  lords  and  dukes,  with  all  their  iine-dressed  doxies, 

Must  carry  with  'em  there  their  civet  boxes); 

"  Rank  arm-pits,  plaisters,  assafoetida, 

Issues,  and  berjjamot,  et  cetera  ; 

From  which  effluvia  rises  to  the  nose, 

But  not  ambrosial,  you  may  well  suppose  ! 

No  !   frowsy  steams,  with  odors  mixed  arise, 

That  might  defy  old  Nick  to  analyze."* 

Such  is  the  portrait  of  the  Yahoo  tribe'; 

Drawn,  apres  Nature,  by  a  learned  scribe  ; 

One  of  the  M.  P.  corps,  who  ought  to  know 

The  animal  throughout  from  top  to  toe. 

It  may  be  said,  'twould  make  a  Caffre  spew; 

Perhaps  it  might — 'tis  not  for  that  less  true. 

Denied  it  may  be,  with  an  awkward  grace  ; 

But  then  the  conscience  flies  up  in  the  face. 

Gladly  such  galling  truths  would  be  denied  : 

Creation's  lords!!   to  be  thus  mortified! 

So  wise  !   so  good  !   immortal  too,  and  stink  so  ! 

Who  but  a  beastly  wretch  could  ever  think  so  If 

But  if  not  true,  why  are  perfumers'  shops 

Crowded  from  morn  till  night  with  belles  and  fops  ? 

Who  purchase  essence  with  their  idle  pence, 

To  smother  stinks  which  give  themselves  offence. 

Except  one  vile,  filthy  four-legged  creature, § 

tion,  is  again  brought  upon  the  tapis  in  Isaiali,  chap.  xxvi. ;  and  also  to 
turn  to  the  inspired  gibberish  called  Leviticus  aiul  Deuteronomy,  where 
he  may  read-  of  scabs,  issues,  running  sores,  blood,  ^uts,  and  unclean 
things,  chapter  after  chapter,  to  his  great  delight  and  edification,, with- 
out its  produciniif  any  tendency  to  squeamishness  or  boaking  ;  this  be- 
ing all  the  word  of  God,  is  gulped  down  like  barley-sugar,  even  by 
novel-reading  ladies,  on  the  Lord's  day!  So  that  it  is  not  the  "what 
is  it  ?"  but  the  "  who  says  it?"  that  determines  the  matter;  as  it  is  not 
to  be  supposed  possible  for  a  Holy  Ghost  to  talk  filthily. 

*  The  whole  assemblage,  it  should  seem  by  the  learned  doctor's  ac- 
count, might  with  great  propriety  have  exclaimed  with  the  lunatic 
prophet,  '*  we  are  all  as  an  unclean  thing.^^ — Isaiah,  Ixiv.,  6. 

f  See  "Clarke's  Critical  Review." 

\  "Painted  for  sii^ht,  and  essenced  for  the  smell, 
Sail  in  the  ladies." — Donne. 

§  The  Skunk,  or  Stinkbissem,  an  animal  liunted  sometimes  at  the 


28  THE    YAHOO  : 

There's  nothing  so  offensive  in  its  nature. 

A  pretty  demi-god  to  swell  and  strut ! 

Corruption  as  he  is  from  head  to  foot! 

A  bundle  of  infirmities  at  best, 

Altho'  in  velvet  robes  and  ermine  dressed, 

And  stars  and  baubles  glitter  at  his  breast ! 

But  then  he  has  a  soul,  ar  spark  divine  ! 

That  oozes  thro'  the  filthy  mass  to  shine ! 

Tout  pis,  alas  !   since  nine  are  out  of  ten 

Picked  up  by  Blaci^ey  for  his  blazing  den  ; 

Where,  being  immaterial,  they  fume 

And  frizzle,  day  and  night,  but  ne'er  consume  ! 

Now,  why  should  this  scrub  want  so  many  souls 

Which  in  war  time  must  people  hell  in  shoals  1* 

Cnn  he  have  sugar-canes  to  cultivate? 

Or  sulphur-mines  to  work  on  his  estate? 

Or  is  it  malice  to  his  adversary, 

That  spurs  him  on  poor  Yahoo's  soul  to  worry? 

Without  some  motive  would  he  take  such  pains 

And  sweat  and  fag,  and  rack  his  sooty  brains  1 

And  like  a  roaring  lion,  trot  about 

Continually  to  smell  poor  Yahoos  out? 

No  ;  like  the  biped,  he'd  not  stir  for  nought, 

Nor  give  a  penny  but  to  gain  a  groat. f 

cape  of  Grood  Hope,  wbieli,  when  hard  pressed  by  the  dogs,  leis  fly 
from  its  rutnp-battery  sneh  a  pestiferous  volley  of  stink-pots,  or  rather 
stink-shots,  that  the  dogs  are  obliged  to  turn  tail,  overcome  by  the  suf- 
focating stench. 

"De  toutes  nos  secretions,"  says  Voltaire,  "  il  n'y  en  a  pas  line  seule 
qui  soit  bonne  a  rein  ;  pas  une  seule  meme  qui  ne  rende  le  genre  hu- 
main  disagreable." — Questions.  Voltaire  is,  however,  mistaken  in  his 
assertion:  urine  is  vahiable  to  dyers,  chemists,  printers,  and  others; 
and  the  foeces  is  now  found  t-o  be  of  great  utility,  and  even  advertised 
for  as  an  article  for  exportation,  under  the  delicate  denomination  of 
Dessicnted  Compost^  at  so  much  per  hogshead,  and  particularly  recom- 
mended to  the  West  India  merchants  for  the  improvement  of  their 
sugar-cane. — See  llie  T^me.s,  of  April,  1826,  and  since. 

* "The  greatest  chief 

That  ever  peopled  hell  with  heroes  slain." — Byron. 

\  "  We  found  no  bait 

To  tempt  us  in  thy  country.     Doing  good, 

Disinterested  good,  is  not  our  trade  ; 

We  travel  far,  'tis  true,  but  not  for  naught." — Cowper. 


A    S\TIRIC.\T,     fJHAPSODY.  29 

The  Yahoo,  ignorant  of  Nature's  laws, 

Presumes  himself  to  be  a  final  cause  : 

"  Sun,  moon,  and  stars,"  he'cries,  "and  earth  and  sea, 

Are  all  created  but  to  pleasure  me." 

But  is  not  Gay's  fleas'  logic  just  as  good, 

Who  deems  the  man  made  only  for  his  food?* 

The  parson  says,  indeed,  he's  but  a  worm  ; 

But  still  he's  modelled  on  Jehovah's  form. 

Jehovah's  form,  poor  wretch,  'tis  very  plain, 

Excess  of  pride  has  addled  his  poor  brain. 

When  of  his  godlike  qualities  he  raved, 

His  heated  noddle  should  be  closely  shaved  : 

Endowed  with  cunning,  tho'  devoid  of  sense, 

He  hides  what  gives  his  vanity  offence,! 

Or  tries  tries  to  hide  it,  rather,  should  be  said. 

Like  the  poor  ostrich,  who  conceals  his  head; 

And  when  this  vice  he  can  no  longer  hide, 

'Tis  brazened  out,  and  then  called  decent  pride.  ^ 

But  vvhat  is  decent  ?   what  does  decent  mean  ? 

Just  what  we  please  ;  'tis  nothing  but  a  screen — 

A  trick,  a  subterfuge,  a  sophist's  cavil, 

To  make  vice  virtue,  and  to  cheat  the  Devil. 

Yes,  shuffle  and  disguise  it  how  we  will, 

'Tis  pride  and  envy  rule  the  Yahoo  still ; 

Abstracted  from  these  passions,  we  shall  And 

'Tis  but  a  lifeless  lump  that's  left  behind  lif 

*  Gay's  Fables. — See  Yoltaire's  excellent  Dlscoicrs  sur  VHomme. 

\  "L'orgneil  est  egal  dans  tons  les  homines,  et  il  n'y  a  point'  do 
difference  qn'aux  moyens,  et  a  la  maniere  de  le  mettre  au  jour." — 
liochefoacault. 

\  If  it  were  possible  to  take  pride  and  envy  from  thehnman  species, 
grass  would  soon  grow  in  Bond  street  and  Cheapside.  "Man  witiiout 
envy  and  pride,"  says  Mandeville,  "may,  with  a^reat  propriety,  be  com- 
pared to  a  h>c:  in  a  pond,  witli  l)nt  little  inclination  to  exert  himself." — 
Fable  of  the  Been.  Horace  Walpole  remarks,  that  "envy,  thon<rh  one 
of  the  woi'st  and  meaufst  of  our  j)assions,  seems  somehow  natural  to 
the  human  breast." — Walpoliaiia.  Smollett  says,  "I  am  inclined  to 
think  no  mind  was  ever  wholly  exempt  from  envy,  which,  perhaps, 
may  have  been  im[>lanted  ns  an  instinct  essential  to  our  nature." 
And  Arbuthnot,  speaking  of  party  violence,  upon  the  death  o^  Brandy 
Nan,  says,  in  a  letter  to  Swift,  "I  liave  an  opportunity,  calmly  and 
philosophically,  to  consider  that  treasure  of  vileness  and  baseness  that 
3* 


30  THE    VAHOO : 

Take  pride  and  envy  from  the  belles  and  fops, 

The  bauble-venders  soon  ninst,  shut  their  shops. 

Like  other  animals  decreed  by  fate 

To  eat,  and  drink,  and  sleep,  and  propagate. 

But  for  his  r a tiana/i/ y,  h\s  boast, 

If  ever  he  possessed  it,  'tis  now  lost. 

Reason!  oh,  name  it  not ;  'tis  profanation:* 

The  reasonable  Yahoo  fears  damnation; 

The  reasonable  Christian  is  baptized  ; 

The  reasonable  Jew  is  circumcised  : 

(For  by  the  holy  sm^cock  operation,! 

The  Lord  will  recognise  the  "  chosen  nation":j: 

When  the  last  trumpet  sounds,  and  all  like  bears, 

Are  scrambling  for  their  bones  to  get  up  stairs  :)^ 

The  Christian  infant's  made  a  babe  of  grace, 

By  having  water  sprinkled  on  his  face  ; 

(Quaere,  would  not  the  holy  water  tell, 

If  sprinkled  on  the  backside,  just  as  well? 

The  Old  One  might  be  skulking  thereabout, 

I  always  believed  to  be  in  the  heart  of  man." — "Notre  envie,"  ob- 
serves Roehefoucault,  "dure  toujours  plus  long  temps  que  le  bonheur 
de  ceux  que  nous  envions." 

*  "  Ce  qui  est  le  phis  oontraire  a  la  droite  Raison  c'est  cela  m4me 
apres  quoi  on  court  le  plus  avidement.  Demandez  vous  pourquoi? 
C'est  que  presque  tons  les  hommes  sont  Fous." — Erasme. 

f  "Le  prepuce  est  coupe  en  ceremonie  a  I'age  de  Imit  ans  [the  holy 
book  says  eight  days]  on  a  porte  dans  quelques-unes  de  nos  villes  le 
saint  prepuce  en  procession ;  on  le  garde  encore  dans  quelques  sacris- 
ties, sans  que  cette  facetie  ait  cause  le  moindre  trouble  dans  les  famil- 
ies."—  Quefitions. 

\  "For  thou  art  a  holy  people  unto  the  Lord  thy  God:  the  Lord  hath 
chosen  thee  to  be  a  special  people  unto  himself,  above  all  people  that 
are  upon  the  face  of  the  earth." — Deut.  vii.  They  might  have  been 
"  the  chosen  people,"  said  Lord  Rochester: — 

"But  why  the  devil  they  were  chose, 
The  Lord  himself  sure  only  knows;" 
as  frntn  tlieir  beastly  conduct,  it  might  have  been  supposed  they  were 
tlie  devil's  leavings. 

§  As  we  see  God  "in  the  flesh"  (Job  xix.)  the  bones  must  be 
wanted  of  course.  This  is,  however,  contrary  to  the  assertion  of 
St.  Paul,  who  savs,  "flesh  and  blood  can  not  inherit  the  kingdom 
of  God."— 1  Cor.  XV. 


'      A     SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  31 

And  then  the  cross  would  keep  the  r«iscal  out ;) 

While  some  more  learned,  solemn,  owl-phizzed  fools, 

Well  crammed  with  rubbish  from  the  lumber-schools,* 

Baptize  the  u?ibnrn  infant  with  a  squirt, 

Without  the  child  or  mother  being  hurt  !t 

What  reasonable  conduct!  are  all  right, 

Jews,  Turks,  and  Christians  too,  are  all  delight  » 

For  this  whene'er  they  meet,  to  scratch  and  fight.J     ) 

What  reverend  harpies  !   what  a  brawling  crew  ! 

In  all  their  deeds  the  cloven-foot  peeps  through  ; 

Fraught  with  the  musty  tenants  of  a  college, 

These  self-dubbed  ivrano;lers  boast  their  classic  knowledge, 

No  wonder  they  the  heathens  do  despise, 

Since  they  to  Christian  doctrines  shut  their  eyes  ; 

No  blessed  Gospel  in  their  skuiis  was  crammed, 

For  want  of  which  (thank  God)  they're  now  all  damned: 

Had  they  been  blessed,  like  us,  with  Gospel-light  in 

Their  noddles,  they'd  (saint-like)  have  gone  to  smiting. 

Oh,  blessed  GospelAWiQ  !  who'd  e'er  suppose 

From  such  pure  light  that  saints  should  come  to  blows  ? 

Yet  such  are  Evangelicals  ;  who  boast 

Of  being  crop-crammed  with  the  Holy  Ghost ! 

The  jargon  of  the  frothy  spouter  Paul, 

Bothers  the  pericraniums  of  ♦hem  all. 

"  Cast  off  the  old  man,"  Maw  worm  cries  ;  "  'tis  plain, 

You  must  be  damned  unless  you're  horn  again" 

Some  howl  for  grace,  some  for  predestination, 

Some  for  election,  some  for  reprobation.^ 

Aloud  you'll  hear  a  praise-God  Barebones  bawl, 

*  "Filling  frantic  crowds  of  learned  fools 

Those  reverend  bedlanas,  colleges,  and  schools." — Lord  Rochester, 

f  "  The  doctors  of  the  Sorbonne  have  decreed,  that  thoui^li  no  part  of 
the  eliihl's  body  sliould  appear,  it  may  be  baptized  hy  injection:  par 
le  inoyen  d'une  petite  canulle,  sans  faire  tort  a  la  mere." — 2\  Shandy. 

\  "Par  piete  ils  se  traitent  mutuellent  de  blasphemateurs  et  d'im- 
pies." — Volney. 

§  The  reader  who  may  wish  for  amusement  as  well  as  information 
from  the  holy  gibberisii,  is  referred  to  Clarke's  excellent  Critical 
Review. 


32  THE    YAHOO : 

"  Ye're  muttons  lost,  unless  ye  have  a  call ! 

Anrl  so  are  they  who  of  their  good  works  brag, 

Self-righteousness  is  but  a  filthy  rag. 

Sweet  Jesus  only  sinners  must  confide  in, 

And  guard  against  *  short-comings,'  and  '  backsliding.' 

"Without  faith  in  the  Lamh  to  hell  you'll  go  ; 

But  Lamb's  blood  washes  you  as  white  as  snow.'' 

All  full  of  Jesus,  each  light-headed  sect 
Boasts  loudly  of  their  "  spread  of  intellect." 
From  gospel-light,  or  rather  gospel-dung,* 
What  crops  of  muddled  nincompoops  have  sprung! 
Hernhutters,  Jumpers,  Ranters,  Harmonites, 
Revivers,  Squatters,  Calvinists,  New  Lights, 
ArminianSj^Quakers,  Muggletonians, 
Socinians,  Anabaptists,  Antinomians, 
Swedenborgs,  Arians,  Shil-Southcotites  ; 
The  major  part  rank  fools,  the  rest  rank  bites. 

Such  are  the  Christian  Yahoos,  who  delight 

To  blindfold  reason  with  their  inward  light. t 

Peter  and  Paul  are  conned  ;  but,  still  perplexed, 

They  rummage  Luke,  and  Mark,  and  Matthew  next : 

From  text  to  text  the  pious  buzzards  fly, 

While  "  the  land  stinks,  so  num'rous  are  the  fry." 

Yet  some  of  these  pure  saints  now  seem  to  think 

*  Whitefield,  in  one  of  his  ranting  sermons,  at  Glasgow,  in  the  year 
1742,  tlms  expresses  himself:  *'  O  Lord,  dung  \is  with  Jesus  Christ, 
that  we  bring  forth  much  fruit  for  thee." — See  L€wis\s  Memoirs. 
And  in  writing  to  Lady  Huntingdon,  the  same  preacher  of  the 
blessed  gospel  says,  "I  have  just  now  risen  from  the  ground,  after 
praying  to  the  Lord  of  all  lords  to  water  your  soul  every  moment,  hon- 
ored madam." — Sonthey's  Wesley.  Tom  Brown  quotes  the  followinp^ 
prayer  from  one  of  the  frothy  spouters  in  Lis  time:  "Souse  us,  O 
Lord,  in  the  powdering-tub  of  tliy  grace,  thaf  we  may  become  tripes 
fit  for  thy  heavenly  table  ;  sweeten  \is  with  the  sugar-eandv  of  tliy 
mercy,  O  Lord,  that  we  may  all  be  rendered  lollypops  and  bull's-eyes 
for  the  righteous  in  kino:dom  coine!" 

f  "  'Tis  such  a  light  as  putrefaction  breeds 

In  fly-blown  flesh,  whereon  the  maggot  feeds; 

Shines  in  the  dark,  but  ushered  into  day, 

The  stench  remains  the  lustre  dies  away." 

Cowper,     * 


A    SATIRICAL     RHAPSODY.  33 

Young  girls  may  too  much  in  the  bible  squint : 

And  stumbling  upon  passag-es  obscene,* 

Must  wonder  what  such  paw-paw  words  can  mean. 

Dpes  holy  church  then  hatch  such  precious  crops  ? 

Or  are  they  cuddled  in  old  blackey's  shops  ? 

Whence  can  such  crowds  of  frantic  fools  proceed  ? 

From  gospel !  yes,  they're  all  of  gospel  breed. 

While  pious  tracts  of  "  Christ  and  Crusts"  abound.f 

Saints  are  in  every  hole  and  corner  found 

We're  so  be-sanctified,  so  truly  blest, 

So  gospel-gorged,  poor  Mawworm  can  not  rest; 

But  starts  red-hot,  a  missionary  bite, 

Eager  to  give  poor  heathens  gospel-light  : 

Poor  Mawworm  finds  more  pigs  than  teats  at  home, 

So  ventures  forth  'mongst  infidels  to  roam, 

To  preach  to  Ashantees  God's  holy  word. 

To  kick  out  Scratch,  and  introduce  the  Lord  ; 

Tho'  by  his  pious  efforts  it  appears 

He  sets  them  altogether  by  the  ears  : 

For  tho'  the  man  of  God  no  labor  spares, 

Nick  will  amongst  the  wheat  still  sow  his  tares. 

Ye  pious  missionaries  !  let  us  know 
How  many  are  converted  where  you  go  ; 
And  whether,  while  ye  in  your  lingo  prate, 
The  Holy  Ghost  stands  by  ye  to  translate. 
In  your  next  kind  communications  teil  us, 
Whether  the  Lord  of  savages  is  jeahjus.J 

*  Tcaclnni^  tlie  poor  to  read  so  generally  has  cut  out  plenty  of  em- 
ployment tor  the  spiritual  sow-s;elders,  who  are  now  as  busy  as  the 
devil  in  a  high  wind  in  grubbing  out  the  impurities  from  the  holy 
balderdash,  lest  their  chaste  female  devotees  might  now  and  then  be 
shocked  by  reading  so  often  about  "going  in  unto  her,"  (fee. 

f  The  title  of  a  favorite  trnct,  originating  in  the  answer  of  a  poor 
wonmn,  who,  when  asked  by  an  evangelical  lady,  if  she  was  in  want 
of  any  tiling  rejdied,  "No,  my  dear  madam,  thank  the  Lord  ;  I  never 
can  be  in  want  of  ariylliing  while  I  have  my  Clirist  and  my  crust." 

X  "Thou  shnlt  have  no  other  crods  but  me:  for  I,  the  Lord,  am  a 
jealous  God,"  ttc.  If  the  great  Jehovnl)  wn>»  jealous  in  reirard  to  the 
worship  of  sueh  a  tribe  of  filthy,  stinking,  hurjiirruffin  snipcocks,  as 
his  favorites  appear  to  liavo  been,  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  if  he  were 
also  and  likewise  respecting;  the  prayers  and  supplications  of  the  Cata- 
baw8,  Ottogamies,  &o.,  when  addressed  to  the  Great  Spirit  in  the  cavern. 


34  THE  yahoo: 

Arid  whether,  when  ye  treat  them  with  rum-grog, 
Tiiey're  not  for  holy  gospel  more  agog; 
And  oft  come  after  baptism  rather  mellow, 
Roaring  out,  "  Goramity,  damned  good  fellow! 
More  grog,  good  massa  pardon,  more  baptize  :"* 
Then  aren't  ye  struck  with  horror  and  surprise 
To  hear  them,  when  they're  told  the  Lamb  is  God, 
And  that  their  sins  are  washed  out  by  his  blood, 
Cry  out,  "  Oh,  Benamuckee  !  massa  parson,  fie  ! 
Dat  wat  you  preach  be  one  big  God-dam  lie  ; 
For  if  young  litel  Goramity  Lamb, 
Den  great  old  Goramity  be  de  Ram.'^ 

Oh,  reverend  leeches  !   ere  the  world  ye  roam, 
Why  not  convert  the  infidels  at  home  ? 
Is  all  your  credit  with  Jehovah  lost? 
Have  you  no  Shiloh,  nor  a  Cock-lane  ghost? 
Why  not  let  off  a  miracle  or  two  ? 
A  subject  from  the  churchyard  raised  would  do  ; 
Or  send  a  man  to  walk,  as  it  is  said 
Saint  Denis  did  in  France,  without  his  head; 
Something  to  terrify  and  make  us  stare, 
And  tumble  on  our  marrow-bones  to  prayer  ; 
Something  to  put  the  rabble  in  a  quaking  : 
The  Lord,  no  doubt,  would  bless  the  undertaking ; 
Since  ye  all  fag  and  labor  for  his  church. 
He  can't  in  conscience  leave  you  in  the  lurch. 
Try  what  your  praying  to  the  Lamb  can  do, 
And»bring  a  ghost  or  bugaboo  to  view  : 
As  ye're  all  blessed  with  faith,  ye  can  not  doubt 
But  what  the  Lord  at  last  will  help  ye  out ; 
Nor  turn  his  back  upon  such  holy  men. 
Who  feast  upon  his  carcass  now  and  then. 

Witch-hunting  Jamie,  a  true  Lord's  anointed, 

^Horace  Walpole  (speaking  of  China)  says,  ''This  China  is  in-^ 
deed  a  bad  dos^:  hundreds  of  millions  are  there  seen  who  have  never 
heard  of  Christ  of  Jndea. 

"Even  the  Salvator  Mundi  died  to  no  purpose!  only  to  save  the 
hundredth  part  of  a  fraction  !  What  an  insult  to  the  faith !  We 
ought  to  have  a  crusade  against  those  Chinese,  and  baptize  them  in 
their  blood,  by  all  means — the  shocking  infidels  I" —  Walpoliana, 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  35 

As  ever  by  the  Devil  was  appointed,* 

Was  by  the  Gospel-preaching  vampires  told 

The  *'  word  of  God"  was  better  than  pure  gold  ; 

That  lucre,  and  the  riches  of  the  earth, 

Were  dross,  compared  with  such  transcendent  worth. f 

(They  should  have  said,  this  "  pearl  above  all  price" 

Enabled  saints*to  live  in  sloth  and  vice.) J 

But  tho'  it  proves  such  to  these  revererfd  leeehes, 

Who  chouse  the  rabble  with  their  pulpit-speeches  ; 

And  who,  by  virtue  of  the  "  holy  word," 

Cram  tVieir  fat  paunches,  and  cry,  "  Fear  the  Lord ;" 

Is  it  not  to  the  laity  a  curse  ? 

Could  Belzebub  have  ever  sent  a  w^orse  ? 

Has  it  not  set,  wherever  it  was  known, 

Wife  against  husband,  father  against  son  ? 

To  love  your  wife  or  child's  a  grand  mistake — 

You're  taught  to  hate  each  other  for  Christ's  sake.§ 

Take  no  thought  for  to-day  ;  and  when  you  die, 

The  dead  may  bury  you,  or  there  you  lie.|| 

*'  Compel  them  to  come  in,"  the  parsons  bawl, 

Or  excommunicate  them  one  and  all. 

Wo  be  to  those  whom  they  dare  trample  on, 

For  where  they  have  the  power  they  spare  none. 

Lift  but  a  finger  at  the  sacred  sty, 

"  The  church — the  church's  in  danger !"  they  all  cry 

Wherever  ^/^//y  lucre  much  abounds, 

*  "If  such  kings  were  by  God  appointed, 

The  Devil  might  be  the  Lord's  anointed." — Lord  Rochester, 

f  See  the  canting,  fawning,  fulsome,  toad-eating,  lick-spittle,  and 
true  priestly  dedication  of  the  translators  of  the  blessed  book  to  the 
British  Solomon. 

j:  "Qui  legit  historiam  ecclesiasticam,  quid  legit,"  says  Grotius,  "nisi 
vitia  episcoporuin?" 

§  "I  am  come  to  send  fire  on  the  earth."  (Very  like  a  benevolent 
Deity!)  "Suppose  ye  tluit  I  come  to  give  peace?  I  tell  ye  nay;  but 
rather  division:  the  father  shall  be  divided  against  the  son,  and  the 
son  against  the  father;  the  mother  against  the  daughter,  and  tliQ 
daughter  against  the  mother." — Luke  xii, 

11  "And  he  said  unto  another,  Follow  me.  But  he  said,  Lord,  suffer 
me  first  to  go  and  bury  my  father.  Jesus  said  unto  him,  Let  the  dead 
bury  the  dead,  but  go  thou  and  preach." — Luke  ix. 


36  THE     YAHOO  : 

The  pack  are  on  the  scent  like  staunch  fox-hounds  ; 

Wealth  to  obtain,  their  Machiavelian  plan 

Is  to  promote  dissension  where  they  can. 

Do  different  sects  in  friendship  e'er  unite? 

No  ;   Christ's  disciples  all  like  tigers  fight. 

The  Lambkin  said  he  came  to  bring  a  sword,* 

And,  Lamb  like  Christians  use  it  for  tlieir  Lord. 

Oh !  had  the  Yahoo  eyes,  he'd  plainly  see 
What  bitter  fruit  grows  on  the  Gospel  tree  ; 
What  pestilential  crabs  have  ever  grown. 
And  ever  will,  where'er  this  tree  is  known. 
Look  round  the  Globe — for  near  two  thousand  years, 
The  Cross  has  deluged  it  with  blood  and  tears  ;t 
Nor  will  the  Yahoo  happier  days  e'er  find, 
While  he  with  Gospel-light  continues  blind  : 
His  intellect  may  march,  as  he  supposes, 
But  in  the  mud  'twill  stick  with  Christ  and  Moses. 
Of  real  intellect  there'll  be  no  spread. 
Till  such  stuff's  driven  from  his  bother'd  head. 

With  few-faw-fum  and  mummery  beguiled. 

The  Yahoo's  brains  are  addled  when  a  child; 

And  when  adult,  he  learns  from  godly  Books, 

The  Lord's  best  pleased  when  he  has  dismal  looks. 

The  Christian's  blessed  has  cursed  the  earth,J 

And  brought  them  strife  and  war,  instead  of  mirth. 

The  tidings  far  from  making  them  all  glad,§ 

Gives  them  the  doldrums,  and  drives  thousands  mad. 

Doesn't  Augustine  (the  greatest  saint  who  brought 

*  "Think  not  that  I  am  come  to  bring  peace  on  earth;  I  am  come 
not  to  send  peace,  but  a  sword." — Matt.  x. 

f  "The  scene  of  Christianity  has  always  been  a  scene  of  dissension, 
of  hatred,  of  persecution,  and  of  hloodi.-'^Bollinghroke.  And  what 
says  Erasmus:  "Sanguin  fundata  est  ccclesia,  sanguin  crevit,  sanguin 
succrevit,  sanguin  erit." 

X  "Among  other  precious  relics,"  says  Mr.  Walpole,  "which  we 
were  treated  with  the  sight  of  at  this  convent,  we  were  shown  a  piece 
of  the  blessed  fig-tree  w^hich  our  guide  said  had  been  cursed  by  Christ." 
' — Walpole' s  Correspondence. 

§  "0  thou  that  brinsrcst  o;ood  tidinsrs  to  Zion  1" 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  37 

The  precious  twaddle  here  which  we're  all  taught,) 

With  Jerome,  Cyprian,  and  Tertullian  too, 

Pronounce  us  damn'd  if  pleasure  we  pursue?* 

Did  not  the  pious  Origen,  to  save  him 

From  Nick's  claws,  cut  off  what  Jehovah  gave  him? 

And  thus  escaping  from  the  Old  OxNe's  gripe. 

Sing  hallelujahs  with  soprano  pipe  ! 

For  had  he  been  by  woman  led  astray. 

He  must  to  kingdom-come  have  lost  his  way  ; 

Since  Jerome  tells  us  !  that  their  very  touch 

Is  worse  than  mad  dog's  bite,  their  venom's  such  If 

Doesn't  the  Lamb  himself,  such  joys  despising. 

Hold  forth  in  favor  of  this  eunuchizing  f^ 

Hence  parsons,  tho'  so  given  to  caterwauling, 

'Gainst  "  sinful  lust  o'  the  flesh"  are  always  bawling. 

A  cheerful  look  denotes  a  want  of  grace  ; 

John  Bunyan  wears  no  smile  upon  his  face  ; 

John  bids  us  groan  and  pray,  and  sob  and  howl ; 

For  should  you  not,  Nick  nabs  your  sinful  soul. 

Unhappy  Cowper  !  tho'  with  genius  blest, 
By  this  true  Christian  nightmare  was  opprest : 
His  mind  infected  with  the  curse,  he  cries, 
"  The  cross,  the  cross  alone  can  make  us  wise  !"^ 
Has  uot  this  cross,  this  emblem  of  salvation, 
Rendered  this  life  a  temporal  damnation 
Is  not  a  crucifix  a  horrid  sight  ? 
Yet  Christian  Yahoos  view  it  with  delight ! 
A  naked  man  upon  a  gibbet  nail'd, 

*  See  "Gibbon's  Decline  and  Fall,"  chap.  xv. 

f  See  note  on  dancing,  in  the  conclusion. 

J  "And  there  be  eunuchs  which  have  made  themselves  eunuchs  for 
the  kingdom  of  heaven's  sake." — Matt.  xix. 

§  Yes,  if  lunacy  is  wisdom.  This  horrid  emblem  of  Cliristianity  has 
tran.'^fornied  the  poor  Yahoos  into  blood-drinking  tigers.  Will  it  be 
credited,  tliat  representations  of  the  detestable  crucifixion  used  to  take 
place  on  Good  Friday  in  some  of  the  convents  in  Paris,  when  infatu- 
ated women  (perhaps  prepared  by  opium)  were  nctually  nailed  by 
their  liands  and  feet  to  a  croas!  in  whicli  horrid  stnte  they  were  kept 
several  hours?  One  poor  creature  expired  in  agony,  after  drawing 
out  the  nails  from  her  hands  and  feet. — See  Baron  Grimm^s  Corre- 
spondence. 


38  THE    YAHO^  : 

By  squeamish  girls  is  e'en  with  rapture  hail'd  ! 
They  call  it  Lamh,  Sweet  Jesiis,  and  Dear  Savior  ! 
And  out-rant  Bedlamites  by  their  behavior. 

See  surly  Johnson  frightened-  by  a  dream, 
Come  roaring  like  the  monster  Polypheme  ; 
He  heard  his  mother  in  the  night  call  "  Sam,^^* 
And  heard  himself  say,  "  Mother,  here  I  am  !" 
A  back-bone  Christian,  gloomy  and  uncivil — 
Praying  to  God,  and  trembling  at  the  Devil. 
With  superstition  haunted  day  and  night. 
He  dreamt  of  ghosts,  and  hags,  and  second-sight: 
Credits  old  silly  vi^omen's  tales  of  v/itches, 
Who  once  to  Bozzy  he  affirm'd  were  bitches. f 
His  long-tail'd  words  astound  the  gaping  mob, 
Who  think  tlie  Doctor  had  a  wond'rous  nob. 
BoiD-wonmiv  triads,  like  a  mastiff-dog.J 
And  in  politeness  distanced  by  a  hog; 
Irascible  and  savage  in  debate, 
Thwart  him,  perhaps  you  risk'd  a  broken  pate 
Rouse  Ursus-Mnjor,  and  in  growling  tones, 
He  threatens  a  la  Crib  to  break  your  bones. ^ 
Yet  tho'  to  manners  he  has  no  pretence. 
He  is  call'd  the  Moralist,  par  excellence! 
The  Doctor  knew  the  ^ang,  'tis  very  plain. 
And  he  pufT'd  those  who  pufF'd  up  him  again. || 

*  See  "  Boswell's  Life  of  Johnson." 

f  "N"aught  proved  the  non-existence  of  the  bitches." — Bozzy  aud 
Pozzy. 

\  *'Lord  Pembroke  said  once  to  me  at  "Wilton,  "vvitli  happy  pleas- 
antry and  some  truth,  that  Dr.  Johnson's  sayings  would  not  appear  so 
extraordinary  were  it  not  for  his  bow  woio  way." — BoswelVs  Life  of 
Johnson. 

§  The  Doctor  was  told  Foote  had  an  intention  of  caricaturing  his 
hoggish  manners  and  pompous  fustian  on  the  stage.  "If  the  dog  does," 
(the  usual  expression  of  the  great  Christian  moralist,)  says  lie,  "I'll 
break  every  bone  in   his  skin." — ^eeJjexiphancs.     Surly  Sam,  alias 

Rhinoceros,  had  knocked  down  — ^  a  bookseller  in  the  Row,  who 

had  offended  him,  and  of  which  he  frequently  boasted. 

II  The  Doctor,  however,  was  not  always  "up  to  snuff"  in  this  partic- 
ular, and  till  his  apostacy  neither  obtained  pudding  nor  praise.  In 
the  first  edition  of  his  lumbering  Dictionary,  the  word  Pension  was 


A    SATIRICAL     laiAPSODY.  39 

He's  now  a  demi-saint ;  but  few  shine  brighter, 
Either  as  a  Gospel-sniveller,  or  smiter. 
Yahoo,  admire  thy  hoggish  Christian  brother; 
'Tis  natural  for  hogs  to  like  each  other. 

Does  not  the  gloomy  "  Night  Thoughts"  Young  declare. 
That  Christians  all  should  spend  their  time  in' prayer? 
That  laughter's  half  immoral,  and  that  sonjj,* 
And  dance,  and  mirth,  to  Beelzebub  belong  ? 

defined,  "the  pay  of  a  state-hireling  for  treason  against  his  country." 
See  Lexiphanes,  page  24,  note.  But  as  this  was  not  the  way  to  pro- 
cure a  sop  in  the  pan,  the  great  moralist  wheeled  to  the  right  about, 
roared  to  a  contrary  tune,  and  naturally  superstitious,  bespattered  the 
church  party  with  adulation,  pereeiving  the  great  influence  they  pos- 
sessed in  society,  and  their  power  to  puff  up  or  suppress  any  one  by 
their  reviews  or  other  publications,  as  they  might  think  fit.  With  this 
party  lie  soon  succeeded;  and  as  all  liis  writings  were  in  favor  of 
church  and  state,  he  was  not  overlooked  by  those  in  power,  and  soon 
obtained  a  pension  of  £300  per  annum,  and  became  in  a  short  time  the 
'"'great  Dr.  Johnson^  And  as  Dr.  Shebbeare  was  pensioned  at  the 
same  period,  it  gave  rise  to  a  sarcastic  joke,  that  the  king  kept  two 
bears,  a  he-bear  and  a  she-bear.  The  following  descriptive  lines  of  the 
great  moralist,  by  Churchill,  may  not  be  unacceptable  to  the  reader: — 

"PoMPOSo,  insolent  and  loud. 
Vain  idol  of  a  scribbling  crowd: 
Whose  very  name  inspires  an  awe; 
Wliose  every  word  is  sense  and  law; 
Who,  cursing  flattery,  is  the  tool 
Of  every  fawning,  flattering  fool ; 
Who  proudly  seized  of  Le(;irning's  throne, 
I^ow  damns  all  learning  but  his  own; 
And  makes  each  sentence  current  pass, 
With  puppy,  coxcovih,  scoundrel,  ass. 
For  'tis  with  him  a  certain  rule,         m 
The  folly's  proved  when  he  calls  fool: 
Who,  to  increase  his  native  strength, 
Draws  words  six  syllables  in  length, 
With  which,  assisted  by  his  frown. 
By  way  of  club,  he  knocks  us  down! 
His  comrades'  terrors  to  beguile. 
Grins  horribly  a  ghastly,  smile  : 
Features  so  horrid,  were  it  light. 
Would  put  the  Devil  himself  to  flight." 

See  The  Ghost. 

*  "  Laughter  itself  is  half  immoral ; 

Pardon  a  thought  that  seems  severe." — Night  Thoughts, 


40  THE     YAHOO : 

That  sublunary  pleasures  tend  to  evil,* 
And  lead  backsliding  sinners  to  the  Devil? 
Hence  Holy-Bible  grubbers  quail  and  quake, 
Scared  at  the  "  wrath  to  come,"  and  "  fiery  lake  ;" 
Hence  saints  have  all  such  sad  Good-Friday  faces 
Peepers  turn'd  up,  long  jaws,  and  queer  grimaces  : 
If  singing  psalms  with  godly  spunk  o'erflowing, 
They  sing  as  if  they  to  the  Drop  were  going. 
(Whetheu  the  Lord  loves  music  there's  no  saying, 
But  sure  he  can  not  love  such  asses'  braying! 
Such  lullabies,  tho'  meant  to  compliment  him, 
And  to  his  "praise  and  glory"  must  torment  him  ; 
When  their  vile  snuffling,  dismal  strains  he  hears 
No  doubt  in  haste  he  buttons  up  his  ears.)t 
All  day  by  old  Scratch  haunted,  in  a  fright 
They  go  to  bed,  and  dream  of  hell  at  night. 
The  "  sinfulness  of  sin"  so  much  prevails,^ 
They  think  the  Devil's  always  at  their  tails. ^ 

*  "When  pleasure's  seized,  compute  your  miijhty  gains; 

What  is  it  but  rank  poison  in  your  veins?" — Yoimg's  Satires. 

^^^  So  sings  this  sanctified,  wo-stricken  son  of  the  church,  who, 
under  the  heaviest  denunciations  against  worldly  pleasures,  and  the 
sin  of  participating  in  tiiem,  hunted  after  ''filthy  lucre^^  and  the  "mam- 
mon of  unrighteousness,"  with  the  greediness  of  a  dragon.  See  a  curi- 
ous letter  of  the  Rev.  Doctor's,  in  tlie  whining  way  to  Lady  Suffolk, 
(wlien  Mrs.  Howard,)  in  The  Mirror,  No.  78:  and  also  his  toad-eating 
blarney  to  Silly  Bub,*  Sir  Roberly  Walpolo,  the  Duke  of  Dorset,  <fec,, 
tfec,  in  his  Satires  and  Dedications. 

I  "And  yet  how  many  a  voice,  and  pipe,  and  chord, 
Bray  to  the  praise  and  glory  of  the  Lord  I 
How  merciful  is  Heaven  to  bear  such  pother, 
And  not  knock  one  thick  skull  against  the  other  I" 

P.  Pindan 
\  A  favorite  expression  of  the  Mawworn  tribe. 

§  "A  look  of  horror  spread  all  o'er  'em, 
Ae  if  they  saw  hell-fire  before  'em ; 
And  Satan  with  a  sable  pack 
\  Of  long-tail'd  devils  at  his  back, 

Rendy  with  pitchforks  to  begin 
To  push  'em  all  by  dozens  in." — Homer  Burlesqued. 

*  Bubb  Doddington,  it  is  said,  complained  of  his  Christian  name  tu 
Lord  Chesterfield,  who  advised  him  to  prefix  Silly  to  it. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  41 

Such  saints  may  smile  perhaps  in  "  kingdom  come," 
But  here  on  earth  they  look  confounded  glum  ; 
And  tho'  they  fear  not  Satan,  they  all  cry, 
Their  dismal  phizzes  give  their  tongues  the  lie. 
You'd  think  such  Lamh-like  saints  could  never  fight; 
But  when  the  heathens  meet,  they're  bound  to  smite. 
Cutting  their  throats  who  don't  believe  the  Word^ 
Is  "  laboring  in  the  vineyard  of  the  Lord  ;" 
And  smiting  infidels,  and  Jews,  and  Turks, 
Rank  foremost  in  a  Christian's  holy  works. 

Does  conscience  check  him  1     No  ;  he  boasts  the  deed  : 
Infants,  if  heretics,  are  doom'd  to  bleed. 
(Jehovah's  butchers  are  not  over  nice  ; 
*'  Nits,"  they  exclaim,  "  in  time  will  grow  to  lice.")* 
The  saint  exults — his  parson  eggs  him  on. 
And  tells  him  all  he  kill'd  to  hell  are  gone. 
What's  conscience,  then  ?     A  fudge  of  putty  made  ; 
To  murder  for  the  Lamb  no  saint's  afraid. 
Conscience  is  taught  to  slumber  at  such  times  ; 
There's  no  remorse  felt  for  religious  crimes. f 
The  saints  beg  God  will  give  them  strength  and  grace, 
For  smiting  "  hip  and  thigh"  the  heathen  race  ; 
And  should  th'  ungodly  ever  come  in  view, 
That  "over  Edom  they  might  cast  their  shoe,"f 
*'  O  blessed  Lord  !"  the  Gospel  blood-hounds  cry, 
(Their  verjuiced  m?{gs  all  turn'd  tow'rds  the  sky,) 
*'  To  smite  the  infidels,  oh!   grant  that  we 
In  thine  hands  humble  instruments  may  be  !  ' 

Permit  us  in  thy  name  to  cut  off  all 
Of  Ahab's  race  that  p — s  against  the  wall  ;^ 
Like  holy  Samuel  in  thy  name  to  smite, 1| 

*  A  common  evnression  when  children  were  murdered  at  Paris,  on 
St.  Bartlioloinews  eve,  as  well  as  in  the  Irish  massacre. — See  Mr. 
Macauley's  Hhtnry  of  Eti gland,  year  1641. 

f  "Taiitiim  religio  potiiit  suadere  malorum." — Lucretius. 

\  "Over  Edom  will  I  cast  out  my  shoe." — Psalm  Ix. 

The  custom  of  throwing  the  shoe,  or  strikiiiii;  a  person  witli  it,  seems 
to  he  continued  in  the  East  till  the  present  day. — See  Hadji  Baba. 

§  2  Kings  ix. 

I  "And  Samuel  hewed  Ai:;ag  in  pieces  before  the  Lord." — 1  Sam. 
XV.  33. 

4* 


42  THE    YAHOO ' 

And  to  our  knees  in  blood  for  thee  to  fight. 

A  Bible  in  their  hands,  the  godly  crew 

Have  a  "  carte-blanche"  for  whatsoe'er  they  do  : 

All  full  of  "  praise-God-zeal,"  they  smite  away, 

Then  drop  upon  their  marrow-bones  to  pray. 

Ob,  Fate,  pray  keep  all  Mawworm  Christians  from  me, 

For  where  they  come  they  play  up  Hell  and  Tommy  !* 

Thou  non  com.  biped!   boast  your  holy  trash — 

Your  Bible-calipee  and  calipash; 

Your  Blessed  Trinity,  where  One  is  Three, 

And  orthodox  and  lunatic  agree  ! 

Mix'd  up  with  humbug,  fudge,  and  contradiction, 

*  A  proverbial  expression,  signifying  skylarking,  rowing,  going  it, 
or  kicking  np  a  rumpus,  or  a  bobbery;  and  particularly  applicable  to 
assemblages  of  squabbling,  crack-brained  fanatics,  whicli  always  end  in 
riots  and  confusion;  e.y.  (among  many  others)  a  meeting  was  held  at 
the  London  Tavern,  a  short  time  since,  for  religious  discussion  between 
the  Catholics  (who,  it  appeared,  had  been  cliallenged  by  their  adver- 
saries) and  the  Methodists,  or  Evangelicals,  two  squads  holy,  "par  ex- 
cellence, when  Miss  Tisiphone  and  her  godly  bickerings,  and  hell  and 
Tommy  was  played  up  in  style.  Swift,  sj^eaking  of  the  wrangling 
fiddlers,  says, 

"Strange  that  such  difference  should  be, 
'Twixt  tweedle-dum  and  tweedle-dee." 
May  we  not  say  also, 

'Tis  strange  such  hellish  wrath  should  rise 
'Twixt  heavenly  saints  of  kingdom  come; 
"While  one  gang  hocus  pocus  cries, 
The  other  bawls  iov  fee  faw  fum. 
"When  in  the  heat  of  the  debate,  fisty-cufFs  commenced;  and,  in  the 
words  of  the  so  much  admired  Greek  poet, 

"Some  clench'd  their  fists,  and  then  would  dart  'em, 
At  otliers'  nobs,  secundem  artem  ; 
While  some  got  punches  in  their  stomachs. 
Others  got  kicks  which  gave  'em  bumachs." 

The  "argumentum  baculinum"  was  then  resorted  to,  and  a  generous 
huhbuhhoo  ensued.  The  Methodist  party,  bj  far  the  most  numerous, 
vociferating,  "Down  with  'em?  Break  the  necks  of  the  ungodly! 
Show  'em  a  sliort  way  from  Dan  to  Beersheba  !"  Meaning,  that  the 
Papishes,  as  they  were  called,  should  be  thrown  over  the  staircase; 
which,  in  their  red  hot  fits  of  godly  zeal,  would  have  taken  place,  but 
for  the  interference  of  the  constables,  who  had  been  called  in  to  pre- 
vent further  mischief;  the  chairman  of  the  Evangelicals,  Mr.  P.,  roaring 
out  like  a  bull  all  the  time  to  '^comprehend  all  as  made  a  disturbance," 
although  it  was  entirely  occasioned  by  their  own  party. 


A    SATIRICAT,     RHAPSODY.  43 

Surpassing  all  th'  extravagance  of  fiction  : 

Incomprehensibles  amalgamate 

With  all  the  rubbish  in  your  chok'd  up  pate  ; 

Whatever  is  impossible  believe — 

'Tis  holy  logic,  and  can  ne'er  deceive.* 

Saint  Athanasius,  pitying  your  condition, 

This  nostrum  found  to  save  you  from  perdition, 

Which  must  prove  efficacious,  understood, 

Especially  to  noddles  full  of  mud  : — 

Three  Gods  are  seen  by  all  possessed  of  grace, 

As  plairdy  as  the  nose  upon  your  face  ; 

The  conjuror  comes,  with  '*  Presto,  fly,  begone  !" 

And  lo,  they're  metamorphosed  into  oie  ! 

But  in  the  hodge-podge,  mixty-maxty  mess, 

Which  are  th'  efficient,  we  are  left  to  guess  ; 

And  therefore,  when  we  pray,  we  ought  to  know 

If  it  should  not  be  to  the  Lord  and  Co. 

But  why  on  throe  Gods  only  do  you  fix. 
Since  you  so  oft  acknowledge  five  or  six? 
Why  elbow  out,  against  all  common  sense. 
So  rudely.  Nature,  Heav'n,  and  Providence  ? 
There's  not  a  day  but  what,  with  turn'd-up  eyes, 
You  these  as  deities  apostrophize. 
And  then  so  ungallant,  so  like  a  bear. 
To  oust  thus  (fie  upon  you)  Madcwie  Mere  ! 
Across  the  Channel  there's  your  Yahoo  brother, 
Admits  the  Virgin  in  the  firm  as  Mother  ;t 
While  you  with  gloomy  Calvinistic  snout, 
In  college  fashion,  turn  the  lady  out  ;J 

*  "Credo,"  snys  the  lunatic,  Tertiillian,  "quia  impossihile  c^t" — 
"11  n'est  r'len  eru  si  ferrnement  que  ce  qu'on  s§ait  le  rnoiiis,  m  i;un8  si 
asseurez  que  ceux  qui  nous  content  des  tables." — Montaigne. 

•)•  "If  the  Virgin  Mary  is  not  comprised  in  llie  Ti-inity,  she  is  at 
Jpast  w<)r8lii|>j>ed  and  nir)re  idolized  than  tlie  third  Person,  alias  the 
Ghost." — See  Smollett's  2'ravels. 

Several  places  are  held  in  the  universities  l)y  baclielors  only,  who 
forfeit  tliem  hy  niarryin<;;  and  the  same  popislj  custom  is  observed  at 
Lambeth,  where  archbishops'  train  bearers  (what  true  Christian  humil- 
ity!) are  dismissed  if  they  marry. 


44  THE     YAHOO  : 

And  leave  with  all  your  holy  orthodoxy, 
The  blessed  Trinity  without  a  doxy. 

^sop's  poor  heathen  had  a  god  and  beat  him  ;* 
Enlighten'' d  Christians  make  a  God  and  eat  him  : 
Christ's  flesh  and  blood"  is  by  the  faithful  taken,! 
And  gulph'd  down  just  like  so  much  beer  and  bacon. 
But  when  this  holy  stuff  is  in  the  crop, 
Does  it  for  ever  undigested  stop  ? 
Or  does  the  sacramental  peck  and  hooze, 
Thro'  chitterlings  with  other  matter  ooze  ^ 
By  peristaltic  motion  groping  on, 
All  its  soul-purifying  virtues  gone  ? 
And  then,  in  this  contaminated  state. 
Be  turn'd  out  rudely  at  the  postern  gate  ?f 
Sure,  spawn'd  from  hell's  dark  pit,  some  wretched  dreamer, 
First  thought  of  gobbling  up  his  "  dear  Redeemer?" 

Oh  !  heaven-born  Yahoo  !  sure  thy  Christianity 
Is  folly's  *'  ne  plus  ultra,"  or  insanity  ! 
Who  but  an  idiot,  or  a  bedlamite, 
Could  take  such  diet,  and  with  such  delight? 
Then,  like  di  faithful  sacrament  receiver, 
Thunder  damnation  on  each  unbeliever. 
Egregious  dolt !   would  any  but  a  stark  ass, 
First  make  a  God,  then  pray  upon  his  carcass  ? 
The  "  paragon  of  animals,"  indeed  !§ 

*  Fable  of  the  man  and  his  Wooden  God. 

f  "The  body  and  blood  of  Clirist,  [a  dainty  dish  for  a  Yahoo!] 
whicli  is  verily  and  indeed  taken  and  received  by  the  faithful  in  the 
Lord's  Supper."  Among  other  hinatic  sects  of  Christians  who  deh'glit- 
ed  in  gobbling  up  tlieir  Maker,  there  was  one  who  used  to  mix  the 
blood  of  children  in  their  sacramental  wine!  Anotiier  "body  and 
blood"  crew  had  a  custom  of  cramrjiing  ailing  infants  with  a  sacramen- 
tal b)-ead,  at  the  risk  of  ciioking  them,  witli  a  view  of  saving  lliem 
from  the  Devil! — See  Bailey,  word  *' Cataphyrgians,"  and  "Moral 
Philosopher,"  vol.  i.,  p.  113. 

:j:  "Mais  mon  cher  ami,"  Ini  dit  TEmpereur,  "tu  as  mange  et  bu- 
ton  Dieu,  que  deviendra  t'il  quand  tu  auras  besoin  d'un  pot  de  cham- 
bre?" — "Sire,"  dit  frere  Rigolet,  "il  deviendra  ce  qu'il  pourra:  c'est 
son  affaire." — Dialogue  entre  VEmpereur  de  la  Chine  et  Jesuite. 

§  Shakspere. 


A    SATIRICAL     RHAPSODY.  45 

On  the  Lord's  "  flesh  and  blood''  like  hogs  to  feed  ! 
Then  wipe  their  muzzles,  and  come  raving  forth, 
To  murder  heathens  in  their  Christian  wrath : 
Nor  is  it  infidels  ah)ne  they  smite, 
The  pious  Christians  one  another  bite  ;* 
Each  sect  upbraids  the  rest  with  superstition, f 
And  boast  their  wisdom  in  this  cursed  condition! 
Thro'  all  the  scale  of  animated  nature, 
There  is  not  such  another  stupid  creature  !J 
Writs  now  seem  wajnted  wheresoe'er  we  go. 
Of"  inquirendo  de  lunatico." 

Yes  ;  superstition  is  the  Yahoo's  curse. 
That  strips  the  flock  to  cram  the  parson's  purse. 
When  call'd  reliirion^  it  cajoles  the  weak,§ 
Who  then,  from  fear  of  hell,  the  parson  seek  ; 
To  Mumbo-jumbo,  or  grim  Jugoernaut, 
Or  Bennamuckee,  just  as  they  are  taught — 
To  Moses,  or  Mohammed,  or  to  Christ; 
By  superstition  one  arjd  all  enticed  ;, 
Each  bigot  cries,  his  head  with  rubbish  cramm'd, 
"Mine's  true  religion — all  the  rest  are  damn'd  ;" 
Wiiile  church,  and  synagogue,  and  mosque,  all  yell, 
And  send  each  other's  devotees  to  hell: 

*  "For  now  the  war  is  not  between 
The  bi-ethren  and  the  men  of  sin; 
But  saint  and  saint  to  spill  the  l)lood 
Of  one  another's  brotherliood." — Iludibras. 

"Dans  tons  les  teins  on  voit  les  membres  de  TEglise  de  Dieii  dis- 
poses a  s'arraeher  les  yeux." — Le  Oitateur. 

\  "Ignorance  and  fear  produced  superstition,  and  superstition  in  its 
turn  maintained  ignorance  and  fear  in  the  minds  of  men.  Thus,  su- 
perstition broached  the  notion  of  inspiration;  and  when  the  notion 
was  once  established,  and  the  fact  believed,  supposed  insjiiration  serv- 
e<l  to  confirm  and  authorize  superstition." — Bolwgbrokc's  Philosophi- 
cal Bssai/s. 

^  "J'ai  augment^  I'ouvrage  d'un  volume,  ^le  les  sottises  luimaines 
ni'ont  fourni :  c'est  line  source  inepuisable." — Le  Sage.  And  Gil)bon, 
in  his  posthumous  works,  observes,  that  "man  is  the  greatest  fool  of 
the  whole  creation." 

§  Ilobbes  says,  ailtl  witli  great  truth,  "Reliii;i<)n  is  a  superstition  in 
fashion  ;  and  superstition  is  ft  religion  out  of  fashion." 


46  THE    YAHOO  : 

Encouraged  by  their  priests  they  smite  away, 
And  murder's  soon  the  order  of  the  day.* 
Wherever  Superstition's  imps  have  been, 
A  Golgotha,. or  phice  of  skulls  is  seen  ; 
Wherever  she  has  reared  her  hydra  head. 
There  human  blood  in  torrents  has  been  shed ; 
Chains,  gibbets,  racks,  and  wheels,  her  steps  attend, 
And  hell-born  '*  Acts  of  Faith"  her  throne  defend. t 
Crusades  and  Paris  massacres  proclaim 
With  Ireland's  murders,  her  infernal  fame. 

Such  are  Jehovah's  pious,  blessed  race, 
Born  ''  babes  of  rvrath,"  but  changed  to  "  babes  of  grace  :" 
Yes,  "  babes  of  grace  ;"  and  pretty  babes  they  are  ! 
And  well  they  fatten  upon  Gospel  fare. 
From  sin  original,  the  parson's  sprinkling 
Cleanses  the  infant  Yahoo  in  a  twinkling; 
The  holy  water  washes  off  the  sin, 
Infuses  grace,  and  makes  the  devil  grin. 

Ah!   Blackey !  you  may  howl,  and  grin,  and  chatter, 
(God  bless  the  parson  and  his  holy  water;) 
Tho'  you  chous'd  Eve  and  Adam  long  ago, 
We  do  not  care  a  button  for  you  now. 
Yet  sure  'tis  strange,  a  rascal  like  old  Scratch, 
Should  for  the  great  Jehovah  be  a  match  !J 
For  now  his  royal  highness  well  may  boast,^ 

*  "Excites  par  la  voix  des  pretres  sanguinaires, 
Invoqnnient  le  seigneur  en  eg«rgeant^  leiirs  fvbres."— Voltaire. 
See  IJ Esprit,  Discoiirs  2,  chap.  24;  also  La  Noi  Naturelle,  8me  partie. 

j-  Auto-da-fe. — See  Questions,  toin.  ii.  p.  324. 

:j:  "Le  bon  Dieu  c'est  reellement  trompe  dans  votre  systcme,  car 
s'il  iivait  prevu  que  son  enneini  empoisonnerait  ici  bas  toutes  ses 
oeuvres  il  ue  les  aurait  pas  produites;  11  ne  se  serait  pas  prepare  lui- 
nienie  la  lionte  d'etre  continuellement  joiie  et  vaincu." — Questions. 

§  Whether  this  cock  of  the  walk,  who  goes  about  "like  a  roaring 
lion,"  (not  the  way  by-the-bye  to  lure  gulls,  one  should  suppose,)  and 
is  acknowledged  as  Prince  of  Darkness,  is  entitled  to  the  appellation 
of  royal  or  serene  highness,  the  Herald's  ColleQ:e  might  perhaps  deter- 
mine; and  also  whelher  the  whole  corps  of  ***'^*  and  serenes  are  not 
his  descendants.  But  surely  he  ought  not  to  be  deprived  of  his  just 
a!id  proper  titles,  nor  refused  the  homage  and  respect  of  the  Yahoo 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY^  47 

That  by  his  cunning  Paradise  was  lost ; 

Since  Eve  and  Adam  both  from  thence  were  driven, 

Because  he  got  his  ....  kicked  out  of  heaven. 

Oh,  Johnny  Noakes,  Tom  Tram,  and  Jack  o'Nory, 
Assist  us  to  relate  this  pretty  story  ; 
Whicn  proves  the  Yahoo  has  a  precious  noddle, 
And  that  he,  precious  stuff,  can  in  it  coddle. 

It  seems,  then,  Blackey,  full  of  hellish  spite 
As  well  in  such  a  cnse,  indeed  he  might, 
Said  to  himself,  "  As  sure  as  my  name's  Nick,* 
Fll  play  Jehovah  some  damn'd  scurvy  trick. 
A  pretty  rig,  by  God  !     I'm  kicked  down  stairs, 
Because  I  didn't  choose  to  say  my  pray'rs,  • 
Or  sit  contented  with  my  naked  rump 
Upon  a  cloud  to  blow  a  penny  truup  : 
A  cliin-cough  iu  that  way  I've  oftc  n  got, 
Sitting  without  my  breeches,  iiko  u  sot, 
Tantara-raring  it  with  all  my  migl  !, 
While  cherubims  squall'df  ''  Holy  1"  day  and  night  ;J 
Expecting  to  be  paid,  instead  of  which, 
I'm  bundled  out  with  kicks  upon  my  breech ; 

race  of  whom  we  are  nssiired  he  snaffles  np  a  decent  crop;  and  who, 
therefore,  ought  to  be  always  cap  in  liand  to  deprecate  his  wrath,  and 
ingratiate  themselves  in  his  favor,  with  a  view  of  good  usage  and  a 
snug  birth  in  his  chimney-corner;  for,  a'lhough  he  is  now  in  the  suds, 
who  can  pay  but  that  lie  niay  get  his  clun  above  water  ogain  some 
day  (as  Huet  observed,  when  he  bowed  to  the  statue  of  Jupiter  at 
Rome),  and  then  lie  might  recollect  and  reward  those  who  had  paid 
their  respects  to  him  in  his  adversity. 

*  One  might  suppose,  from  the  multifarious  cognominations,  as  the 
learned  Doctor  "vould  style  them,  that  this  scoundrel  had  kept  com- 
pany with  our  Newgate  birds;  alias  Tom,  alias  Jack,  (fee,  <fee. — Scratch, 
Nicic,  Bcflzebub,  Satan,  Lucifer,  <fee. — ^See  Hudibras,  vol.  ii.,  p.  201, 
De  Foe's  Ilhtory  of  the  Devil,  p.  39,  where  he  has  no  less  than  twenty- 
one  names  and  titles. 

f  Perhaps  we  may  be  told  there  were  no  saints  in  heaven  at  that 
time:  [)erhaps  not;  but  as  the  (/rcat  Milton  has  introduced  them  (sec 
Paradise  Lost)  we  may  be  allowed  the  same  liberty  of  manufacturing- 
nonsensical  anachronisms. 


I 


t  "Cherubim  and  seraphim  continually  cry,  Holy,"  tic. 


48  THE    YAHOO : 

And  after  nine  days  arsy-yersy*  roll,t 
Am  pokM  in  this  damii'd  black  Calcutta-hole ; 
It  stinks  of  brimstone,  too — God  bla^t  it!     Well, 
No  matter — here  I  shall  be  king  of  hell.J 
In  hell  I'll  reign,  then — now  I  know  the  worst; 
But  if  I'm  not  revenged,  may  I  be  curst. 
I'll  watch  Jehovah's  motions  day  and  night 
And  find  some  way  to  give  him  kick  for  bite  : 
If  second  best  I've  come  off  at  the  scratch, 
Some  hell-fire  row  I'll  yet  contrive  to  hatch, 
Shall  make  his  worship  squint  nine  ways  at  once, 
Or  sit  me  down  a  damn'd  thick-headed  dunce. § 

This  said,  he  "  grinned  a  ghastly  smile,"  and  watch'd 
An  opportunity,  which  soon  he  catch'd  : 

*  "Arsy-versy — heels  over  head,  topsy-turvy,  preposterously." — 
Bailey. 

f  "Nine  days  they  fell." — Paradise  Lost.  So  says  the  auhlime  Mil- 
ton. But  surely  this  is  puny  fustian!  It  should  have  been  nine  ?/ear.? 
at  least,  to  denote  the  vast  distance  of  hell  from  heaven  ;  though,  from 
the  e:ossip  of  Dives  and  Lazarus,  we  might  suppose  they  were  near 
iieiglibors,  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street ;  but,  then,  would  not  the 
heavenly  choristers  be  annoyed  with  the  smell  of  sulphur,  now  and 
then,  from  the  den  of  the  snake,  when  the  wind  set  that  way,  while 
they  were  chanting  hallelujah  I 

\  "Better  to  reign  in  hell  than  serve  in  heaven." — Parudise  Lost. 

§  Although  his  cloven-footed  highness  here  expresses  himself  like  a 
blackguard  (which  should  be  overlooked,  if  we  consider  his  irritated 
state),  yet  we  find  that  he  could  swagger  like  a  prince,   and  chatter 
like  a  prime  one  at  other  times  (perhaj^s,  as  Shandy  observes  it  was 
when  he  shook  off  his  bi-imstone  tunic  and  put  on  a  clean  shirt),  when 
he  was  with  his  cronies  (his  staff-officers  we  may  suppose) — 
"To  me  sliall  be  the  glory  sole  among 
Th'  infernal  powers  in  one  day  to  have  marr'd 
What  He  (Almighty  styled)  six  nights  and  days 
Continued  making ;   and  who  knows  how  long 
Had  been  contriving! — Paradise  Lost. 
Contriving!  and  after  all  to  be  outwitted  by  the  Old  One!     A  pretty 
contrivance,  truly!     Only  think,  as  Cobbett  says,  of  the  great  Jehovah 
being  humbugged  and  laughed  at  by  such  an  arrant  blackguard ;  and 
all,  or  most  of  the  Yahoos  tumbled  into  the  dark  hole,  because  he  neg- 
lected to  put  on  his   spectacles  and  look   sharp  after  the  snake  in  the 
garden,  or  had  overslept  himself  in  his  siesta,  which  we  may  presume 
he  did  sometimes,  by  his  favorite  Davji's  calling  so  lustily  to  him, — 
"Awake,  O  Lord!   \\\\y  sleopo.-^t  thou?" 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  49 

For  great  Jehovah,  it  appears,  thought  fit 

To  make  a  vvorhl  from  scraps — and  this  is  it ; 

This  hodge-podge,  hurly-burly  patched-up  planet, 

With  nothing  worth  a  bunch  of  dog's  meat  in  it, 

Excepting  for  one  liighly-favored  class 

(For  step-dame  Nature  sends  the  rest  to  grass); 

Mixed  up  with  odds  and  ends,  where  dry  and  wet, 

And  cold  and  heat,  and  light  and  dark,  all  meet; 

Tho'  at  the  first  it  looked  so  spruce  and  nice, 

'Twas  by  the  angels  nicknam'd  Paradise. 

And  hefe,  as  in  the  hoUj  book  we  read, 

A  Yahoo  cock  and  hen  were  put  to  breed, 

In  hopes  their  offspring  all  would  say  their  prayers, 

And  thus  the  empty  benches  fill  up  stairs, 

(For  Scratch  had,  when  kick'd  out  in  this  fierce  squabble. 

Drawn  after  him  a  hell-fir'd  gang  of  rabble.) 

Then,  to  the  naked,  loving,  Yahoo  couple, 

Jehovah  said,  "  Mind,  never  touch  an  apple  ; 

Cram  if  you  like,  from  morn  till  night,  your  guts 

With  hips  and  haws,  and  blackberries  and  nuts  ; 

But  should  you  meddle  with  my  Nonpareil, 

By  all  that's  good,  I'll  send  you  both  to  hell. 

So  mind  your  hits."     For  tho'  in  "kingdom  come" 

He  all  things  knew,  and  dealt  in  fee-faw-fum! 

And  in  all  common  r?>5  was  sharp  enough, 

In  this  black  joke  he  wasn't  "up  to  snuff." 

Will  all  his  gumption*  ho  ne'er  smelt  a  rat, 

Or  dreamt  what  Mister  Nickibus  was  at ; 

He  never  guess'd  what  schemes  the  dog  was  brewing. 

To  bring  his  pretty  Paradise  to  ruin ; 

But  fagg'd,  day  after  day,  like  any  Turk; 

When  up  popp'd  Sooty  Dun  and  spoil'd  his  work. 

No  sooner  did  he  hear  of  Paradise,  , 

Than  off  his  rump  he  jump'd  up  in  a  trice  ; 

Scrubb'd  his  black  phiz  and  brimstone  carcass  well, 

Lest  he  should  be  discovered  by  the  smell : 

Then  greased  his  boots,  and  over  gates  and  stiles. 

Ere  you  could — sneeze,  he'd  stride  you  twenty  miles  ; 

*  "Gumption,  or  run-.gnmption,  coinprelicnsion,  capacity." — Gribb'a 
Memorial. 

5 


50  THE     YAHOO : 

So  eager  was  the  dog  to  find  out  Adam  ; 

Or,  what  was  to  his  purpose  more,  his  madam  :* 

Dres't  "  a-la-mode  de  puppy"  for  this  trig, 

With  baboon  whispers,  like  a  Bond  street  prig; 

And  was  (compared  with  Eve's  clodhopping  honey) 

A  pretty,  smirking,  hell-fired  Macaroni. 

Now,  seeing  Eve  in  buf!"  (for  in  those  days 

There  was  no  laws  against  such  exposes),'^ 

It  made  his  liqn'rish  chops  so  run  with  water, 

He  couldn't  rest  a  jot  till  he  got  at  her ; 

His  jawing-tackle  then  he  ply'd  so  well, 

She  quickly  nibbled  at  his  Nonpareil. 

And  now  a  pretty  mess  we  should  be  all  in, 
Did  not  the  parson  kindly  help  us  out, 

Owing  to  their  confounded  caterwauling  ;J 
But  holy  water  makes  the  Devil  scout. 

Why  didn't  Adam  crop  the  rascal's  ears  ? 
Or  rather,  why  not  snip  off  his  bull's 


Then  of  old  Scratch  we  should  have  had  no  fears, 
Nor  in  his  oven  e'er  been  shov'd  to  frizzle  ? 

*  His  madam!  Yes,  undoubtedly  she  was;  and  a  precious,  poor, 
soft  piece  of  piitty-like  stuff  the  good  woman  seems  to  have  been! 
She  is  first  cajoled  by  the  Old  One,  alias  the  Snake;  and  then  goes  & 
caterwauling  with  Mister  Adam,   without  the   parson's  abracadabra: 

consequently  we  are  all  sons  of  a  w .     See  I)e  Foe's  History  of  the. 

Devil,  p.  58. 

"When  Beelzebub  first  to  make  mischief  began, 
He  the  woman  attack'd,  and  she  guU'd  the  poor  man; 
Tills  Moses  asserts,  and  from  hence  woidd  infer. 
That  woman  rules  man,  and  the  Devil  rules  her." 

f  Query — Is  not  the  law  against  exposing  the  person  an  indirect  in- 
sult against  the  great  Jehovah,  seeing  he  has  made  the  person  in  his 
own  image  {without  breeches  undoubtedly)?  What!  ashamed  of  thft 
60  much  boasted  workmanship  ? 

if  "Whosoever  looks  back  to  Adam,  and  considers  all  the  calamitous 
consequences  that  attended  his  error,  will  no  longer  imagine  the  fatal 
fruit  to  have  been  an  apple,  but  the  sense  to  be  figurative.  'Tis  plain 
that  eating  was  not  the  crime,  for  we  find  neither  the  palate  nor  mouth 
of  Eve  punished;  but  when  we  hear  ^  she  shall  bring  forth  with  pain,* 
'tis  easy  to  discover  the  offending  part." — Sivift's  Discoarse. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  51 

Had  not  Eve  mnnch'd  the  perpin*  like  a  jade, 

No  holy  sprinkling  we  had  ever  needed  ; 
But  ail  have  cried  with  Kecksy,t  "  Who's  afraid?" 

In  short,  the  parson  had  been  superseded. 

Then,  since  these  Slugs  all  profit  so  by  evil, 

Why  try  of  vice  the  torrent  so  to  stem  ? 
Why  should  they  be  so  spiteiiil  to  the  Devil  ? 

Were  Blackey  diddled,  what  becomes  of  them  1\ 

So  much  for  Paradise,  so  wisely  lost ! 

So  much  for  Nickey,  and  his  dingy  troop!  . 
For  millions,  with  this  rebel,  down  were  toss'd. 

And  now  in  hell  are  sipping  brimstone  soup. 

Who,  that  had  common  sense, §  could  e'er  believe 
This  silly  trash  of  Beelzebub  and  Eve — 
Of  trees  of  life,  and  Adam,  and  his  apple? 
None  with  the  intellects  of  Sancho's  Dapple. 
Yet  this  fine  story,  drest  in  pompous  phrase. 
Forms  the  first  book  in  these  eniighteyicd  days  !|| 

*  Foote's  Orators.  f  Irish  Widow. 

X  "An'  ye  tak'  awa'  the  Deil,"  says  the  Scotdi  proverb,  "ye  may 
bid  glide  by  to  the  Laird."  It  would  be  a  dreadful  loss  indeed  to  the 
black-sing  tribe  if  Old  Nick  was  to  "kick  the  bucket,"  or  be  lost  in  a 
fog.  There  would  then  be  wailing  (but  no  garnuhing  of  teeth)  with 
a  vengeance,  and  they  might  have  recourse  to  "sackcloth  and  ashes" 
with  propriety. 

§  "Nothing,"  says  Lord  Chesterfield,  "is  so  uncommon  as  common 
sense."     Some  author  remarks  the  slowness  of  its  growth,  and  says  the  ^ 
aloe  is  a  fool  to  it  in  comparison. 

[  Cobbett,  speaking  of  this  work,  says,  "Tiie  whole  poem  is  such 
bart)arous  trash,  so  outrageously  offensive  to  reason  and  common 
sense,  that  one,  is  naturally  led  to  wonder  how  it  can  have  been  toler- 
ated. But  it's  the  fashion  to  turn  up  the  eyes  when  Paradise  Lost  is 
mentioned;  and  if  you  fail  so  to  do,  you  want  taste — you  want  jndg- 
njent,  even  if  you  do  not  admire  this  absurd  and  ridi(;ulous  stuff." — 
Register,  vol.  xxxiv.  p.  435.  These  remarks  will  no  doubt  be  ascribed 
to  Cobbett's  vulgarity  and  defective  education;  but  the  same  objec- 
tion can  not  be  made  to  Lord  Chesterfield,  who  has  considered  Para- 
dise Lost  in  nearly  the  same  light.  "I  confess,"  says  his  lordship, 
"that  1  can  not  possibly  read  Milton  through.  Not  having  the  honor 
to  be  acquain1e<l  with  any  of  the  parties  in  his  poem,  except  the  man 


52  THE    YAHOO r 

This  childish  tale  affords  supreme  delight — 

When  nonsense  is  the  bait,  the  gudgeons  bite. 

Cram  ghosts  and  bugaboos  in  every  tale, 

To  please  '*  creation's  lords"  you'll  never  fail;* 

Or  give  them  precious  huly  gospel  stuff, 

Their  maws  with  that  can  ne'er  be  cramm'd  enough; 

Naught  in  that  blessed  book  e'er  comes  amiss  ; 

Tho'  old  Rabshakah  talks  of  "drinking  p-ss,"t 

And  '•  eating  their  own  dung,"  'tis  all  divine — 

Good  Christian  Yahoos  would  go  there  to  dine. J 

'Tis  only  typical — dung  means  hot  pies. 

And  p-ss  means  claret,  seen  with  proper  eyes. 

and  the  woman,  the  cliavacters  and  speeches  of  a  dozen  or  two  of 
angels,  and  of  as  many  devils,  are  as  much  above  my  reach  as  my  en- 
te»-taiiiment^  Keep  lliis  secret;  for  if  it  should  be  known,  I  should  be 
abused  by  every  tasteless  pedant  and  every  solid  divine  in  England." 
— Letter  259.      Voltaire's  Candide,  chap.  25. 

*  "Ces  sujets  plaisent  naturellement  aiix  hommes:  ils  aiment  ci  qui 
leur  parait  terrible:  il  sont  comfvie  les  enfans,  qui  ecoutent  avidemeTit 
ces  contes  de  Sorcieres  et  de  Revenants  qui  les  effrayent.  H  y  a  des 
fables  pour  tout  ai^e,  et  il  n'y  a  point  de  nation  qui  n'ait  en  les  siennes. 
— Essay  snr  la  Poesie  Epique. 

f  "And  Rabshakah  said,  Hath  thy  master  sent  me  to  thy  master, 
and  to  thee,  to  sj>eak  these  words?  Hath  lie  not  sent  me  to  the  men 
tliat  sit  'upon  the  wall,  that  they  may  eat  their  own  dung  and  drink 
their  own  piss  with  you?" — Isaiah,  xxxvi. 

\  And  why  shouldn't  they?  Chaeun  a  son  gout  The  swinish  mul- 
titude lick  their  gills  at  such  holy  grub,  we  are  informed,  in  the  east- 
•ern  world,  and  no  good  reason  can  be  assigned  why  they  should  not 
in  the  western,  if  they  are  so  disposed.  Why  should  not  the  contents 
of  the  close  stools  of  the  most  reverend  and  right  reverend  daddies  in 
the  Lord  be  as  sweet,  relishing,  and  sanative,  as  those  of  the  Grand 
Lama,  and  his  holy  crew  of  lickspittles?  For  he  could  not  be  supposed 
prolific  enough  to  furnish  q.  s.  from  his  own  sacred  civet-hox  to  satisfy 
the  ravenous  maws  of  his  loving  subjects,  who  purchase  it  at  an  ex- 
travagant price,  dried  and  grated,  to  regale  with  on  holidays  and 
grand  festivals,  when  it  is  brought  forth  and  considered  as  an  exquisite 
delicacy  and  *'  bonne  bouche,  pour  faire  les  viandes  plus  piquantes." 
Oh  che  gusto!  "  ApelleZ-vous  ceci  foire,  bren  merde,  mati^re  fecale? 
C'est  Saphran  d'Hibernia?" — Rabelais.  See  Independent  Whig,  iii., 
133;  L'Bspre,  151;  i\m\  Notes  to  Hudibras,  ii.,  304;  also  Volney,  831, 
and  Questions,  viii.,  225,  upon  this  very  important  subject. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  53 

Oh,  silly  biped,  Rochester  was  right; 
You  shut  your  ears  lo  truth,  your  eyes  to  light  ; 
In  spite  rff  Nature's  friendly  admonition, 
You  curse  yourselves,  and  plunge  into  perdition 
Afour-legg'd  beast  who  would  not  rather  be? 
From  such  sophisticated  reason  free  : 
They  follow  all  the  instinct  of  their  natures, 
And  are,  compared  with  man,  the  wiser  creatures  : 
Thei/  can't  be  made  the  miserable  tools 
O^church  and  stale,  like  us,  poor  two-legg'd  fools.* 
The  parson's  dismal  fire  and  brimstone  tale 
To  four*lcgg^d  cattle  is  of  no  avail. 
(And  no  priest  e'er  was  known  so  great  a  sot, 
As  go  to  work  where  nothing's  to  be  got.) 
Tkei/  can  not  have  theic  skulls  mud-cramm'd  by  priests  ; 
No  hells  or  bugaboos  will  frighten  beasts  : 
No  craft  can  make  these  four-legg'd  soulless  things, 
Fall  on  their  knees  to  worship  priests  and  kings  ; 
The  adoration  kings  and  priests  expect 
Is  from  proud  man,  who  boasts  his  intellect. 

Yes,  that's  his  boast ;  the  slang  we  daily  hear : 
The  mind  now  marches — like  a  grenadier! 
Oh,  glorious,  wond'rous  "march  of  intellect !" 
From  Yahoo  brains  what  may  we  not  expect  ? 
Mind  marches  now  ;   when  thro'  that  it  has  got, 
'Twill  go  the  next  stnge  at  a  gentle  trot ; 
Then  set  off  at  a  gallop,  reach  the  goal, 
And  prove  the  Yahoo's  body  is  all  soul  ? 
That  then  he'll  be,  tho'  doubted  heretofore, 
Like  Homer's  vengeful  hornet,  "  soul  all  o'er."t 

*  "Brutes  find  out  where  tlieir  talents  lie* 
A  bear  will  not  attempt  to  fly; 
A  founder'd  horse  will  oft  debate 
Before  he  tries  a  five-barr'd  gate; 
A  doi^,  by  instinct,  tnrns  aside, 
Whene'er  he  sees  the  diteh  too  wide; 
But  man  we  find  the  only  creature, 
Who,  led  by  folly,  combats  Nature — 
Who,  when  she  loudly  cries  forbear, 
Fixes  with  obstinacy  there." — Swift's  Rhapsody. 

f  "So  burns  the  vengeful  hornet,  soul  all  o*er." — Pope. 


54  THE    YAHOO : 

Who'll  then  deny  the  biped's  capability  ? 
Or  say  he  can  not  reach  perfectibility? 
Who'll  then  deny,  unless  they're  gravel-blind, 
O'er  matter  the  omnipotence  of  mind  1 

Our  great  improvement  now's  our  daily  boast, 
And  verifies  the  proverb — little  roast! 
But  do  these  empty  boasters  ever  prate 
Of  "  march  of  intellect"  in  church  and  state  ? 
In  these  essentials  what  is  ever  done 
To  show  us  that  the  "  mind  is  marching  on  ?" 
Those  who  contrive  to  keep  the  Yahoo  blind, 
Are  always  prating  about  "  march  of  mind." 
In  law  or  gospel  does  it  stir  a  peg  ? 
Oh,  no  !   it  there  has  got  a  broken  leg. 
Do  not  the  Jew-book  and  law  jargon  show, 
We're  what  we  were  five  hundred  years  ago? 
The  youthful  mind  with  godly  catlap  fed, 
Is  bored  with  what  the  Lord  to  Moses  said  ; 
(For  Moses  and  the  Lord  were  very  great, 
And  gossipped  like  old  women  tete-a-tete ; 
Till  poor  Lord  Moses,*  falling  in  disgrace. 
Was  not  allow'd  to  see  Jehovah's  face  ; 
Though  still  permitted  his  back  parts  to  view,t 
And  cock  his  quizzing-glass  up  at  his  Cue). 
The  holy  Bible  therefore  is  the  book 
Where  young  and  old  should  for  instruction  look. 
Then  hug  thy  "  Scripture"  Yahoo,  never  doubt  it ; 
You'd  tumble  headlong  in  the  pit  without  it: 
For  though  it  isn't  in  the  Ghost's  handwriting, 
The  parsons  all  declare  'tis  his  inditing. 
What  inspiration  glows  in  every  line  ! 
Aby  gat  Iky  ! — isn't  that  divine  ? 
Then  Iky  begat  Jacob  ;  Jacob,  Joe  ; 
And  Joe  begat read  Scripture,  and  you'll  know. 

*  "Lord  Moses,"  forsooth!  Yes,  he  is  so  dubbed  by  Joshua  (Num- 
bers xi.):  the  lordli7iess  and  consequence  of  our  right  reverend  prigs 
is  therefore  not  so  much  to  be  wondered  at. 

f  "And  tlie  Lord  spake  unto  Moses  face  to  face,  as  a  man  spealceth 
unto  his  friend,  'And  thou  shalt  see  my  bade  parts,  but  my  face  shall 
not  be  seen.'  " — Exod.  xxxiii. — See  Clarke's  Critical  Jieview,  87. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  55 

(No  wonder  they  were  dubb'd  a  "  chosen  nation," 

Being  such  dabs  at  holy  propagation), 

Of  wond'rous  things  beside  that  "  came  to  pass  ;" 

Of  kings  turn'd  oxen,  and  then  turn'd  to  grass  :* 

As  how  a  fiery  cab  and  horses  flew 

From  kingdom-come  to  fetch  a  conj'ring  Jew  !t 

Of  evangelic  tales  of  cocks  and  bulls. 

And  snakes  and  codlings,  fit  for  gouhemouche  gulls  ; 

Of  Noah's  ark,  a  pious  rigmarole, J 

Or,  as  Tim  says,  "  A  choice  tale,  fath  and  sole  !"^ 

Then,  for  old  women,  there's  a  bouncing  tale  > 

Of  Jonah  in  the  belly  of  the  whale  !|| 

With  jaW-bone  Samson,  humbugg'd  by  his  doxies, 

Who  fasten'd  tail  to  tail  three  hundred  foxes  !Tf 

*  "  And  Nebucliabiiezzar  was  driven  from  men,  and  did  eat  grass  as 
oxen." — Dan.  iv. 

f  "And  it  came  to  pass,  as  they  still  went  on  an<J  talked,  that,  be- 
hold, there  appeared  a  chariot  of  fire,  and  horses  of  fire,  and  parted 
them  asunder;  and  Elisha  went  up  by  a  whirlwind  into  heaven." — 2 
Kings  ii.  11. 

\  "If  the  Devil  could  but  exerfc*himself,"  says  De  Foe,  "as  an  histo- 
rian, for  our  improvement  and  diversion,  what  a  glorious  account  he 
could  give  us  of  Noah's  voyage  round  the  world  in  his  famous  ark! 
He  could  resolve  all  difficulties  about  the  building  and  provisioning 
of  it  for  the  different  creatures;  and  also  inform  us  whether  the  ani- 
mals offered  themselves  as  volunteers  for  the  voyage,  or  whether  he 
went  a  hunting  for  them,"  <fec. — History  of  the  Devil. 

%  Foote's  "Knights." 

I  "And  Jonah  was  in  the  belly  of  the  whale  three  days  and  three 
nights."  "The  great  fish  that  swallowed  up  Jonah,  surrendered  him 
again  without  hurting  a  hair  of  his  head,  or  even  charging  him  any- 
thing for  his  three  days*  lodging." — New  Monthly  Mag. 

"Then,  for  a  pretty  Bible  tale, 
Haven't  you  one  about  a  whale 
That  swallow'd  Jonah?  though  the  Jew 
Had  such  rank  flesh,  he  made  him  spew." 

Homer  Burlesqued. 

%  "And  Samson  said,  With  the  jaw-bone  of  an  ass  have  I  slain  a 
thousand  men."  This  was  certainly  pretty  good  smiting,  especially 
for  a  lord  judge.  No  wonder  he  was  weary  and  thirsty,  since,  at  the 
rate  of  one  a  minute  (and  allowing  the  Philistines  to  have  had  paper 
skulls,  it  could  not  have  been  well  done  in  less  time),  it  would  have 
required  seventeen  hours  to  get  through  the  job,  without  any  time  for 


56  THE     YAHOO : 

Poor  Jerry's  "  old  cast  clouts"  and  "  naughty  figs  ;"* 
Elisha's  bears  ;t  the  Devil  and  the  Pigs  ;J 
A  talking  jackass,  next — blind  Balaam's  Neddy,§ 
Who  to  the  prophet's  thwacks  replied  h?o  ready  : 
Then,  for  quack-doctors  what  a  charming  prize, 
There's  clay  and  spittle  salve  to  cure  sore  eyes  !|| 
Lot's  rib  of  salt,  with  his  two  brimstone  jades, 

rest  and  refreshment!  But  what  a  dab  at  fox-hunting  this  lord  judge 
must  have  been  to  catch  three  hundred,  and  then  tie  them  tail  to  tail, 
that  they  mi2:ht  run  the  better!  No  wonder  that  such  a  lord  judge 
was  diddled  by  Dally. 

*  "And  he  said  unto  Jeremiah,  Put  these  old  cast  clouts  and  rotten 
rags  under  thine  arm  holes,"  (fee. — "One  baskei:  had  very  good  figs,  and 
the  other  basket  had  very  naughty  figs/' — Jer.  xxxviii. 

f  "And  there  came  forth  little  cliildren,  and  mocked  him,  and  said, 
Go  up  tliou  bald  head!  And  Elisha  cursed  thera  in  the  name  of  the 
Lord"  (one  should  have  thought  it  was  in  the  name  of  the  Devil); 
and  there  came  two  she-bears  out  of  the  wood,  and  tare  forty  and  two 
children  of  them." — 2  Kings  ii. 

A  proper  punishment  for  snotty  brats,  who  called  the  Lord's  conju- 
ror bald-pate !  But  what  a  crusty  cock  of  a  prophet !  Didn't  he  know 
that  of  such  was  the  kingdom  of  heaven?  Though  perhaps  they  may 
learn  better  manners  when  they  are  there,  otherwise  they  might  have 
called  him  hald-pate  again  when  they  met  with  him  in  the  upper  gal- 
lery, where  we  may  presume  he  could  have  found  no  she-beavi  to  tare 
them. 

J  "Then  went  the  devils  out  of  the  man,  and  entered  into  the  swine." 
We  are  not  informed  (which  is  much  to  be  regretted)  at  which  door 
front  or  back,  these  devils  trotted  into  the  pir;s'  apartments,  though  it 
is  most  likely  it  was  at  the  postern  gate,  as  they  were  hardly  such 
spooneys  as  to  run  the  risk  of  being  guillotined  by  trying  for  admission 
at  the  snout  door;  besides,  they  could  so  much  easier  sh'p  out  at  the 
bach  door,  when  they  were  surfeited  with  chitterlings  and  pigs'  fry, 
and  bilk  their  landlords. 

§  "And  Balaam's  anger  was  kindled,  and  he  smote  the  ass  with  a 
staff;  and  the  Lord  opened  the  mouth  of  the  ass,  and  she  said  unto 
Balaam,  What  have  I  done  unto  thee  that  thou  hast  smitten  me?  and 
Balaam  said  unto  the  ass,  Because  thou  hast  mocked  me.  And  the 
ass  said  unto  Balaam,  Am  I  not  thine  ass?"  Wliat  a  holy  and  edifying 
confab!  It  is  a  pity  the  Lord  does  not  open  the  jaws  of  the  poorani- 
m^ils  at  present,  that  they  might  threaten  the  hrutal  Christian  Yahoo 
drivers  with  the  "  wrath "^to  come"  for  their  infernal  cruelty. 

[  "And  he  spat  on  the  ground  and  made  clay  of  the  spittle,  and  he 
anointed  the  eyes  of  the  blind  man  with  the  clay." — John  ix. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  57 

Who  were  so  terrified  at  being  maids* 

They  made  their  old  dad  groggy — how  sublime  ! 

Children  should  read  such  godly  books  in  time. 

Oh,  blessed  Scripture  !    what  a  heavenly  treasure 

For  those  who  read  and  can  reflect  at  leisure  ! 

What  squabbling  tribes  of  "  tites,  and  it('s,  and  hites  T 

Uzzites,  Hittites,  Moabites,  and  Gir-go-shites  ? 

How  edifying^      Then,  what  chaste  discourses 

Of  ladies  who,  for  sweethearts,  talk  of  horses  If 

Oh,  shame,  where  is  thy  blush  1     Here's  godly  reading, 

To  teach  young  girls  at  boarding-school  good  breeding  !\ 

(From  whence  sent  to  their  Ma''s,  accomplished  quite, 

They  read  the  '*  word  of  God"  on  Sunday  night ;) 

ZekieTs  boniu-houche^  too!   which  the  dainty  Jew 

Turn'd  up  his  nose  at,  saying  he  should  sp — ;^ 

Why  couldn't  this  old  Tyke  have  lunch'd  in  quiet, 

*  "And  Lot's  wife  looked  bnck,  and  she  became  a  pillar  of  salt." — 
Gen.  xix.  Saint  Irenffius  (what  saints!)  says,  the  wife  of  Lot  remains 
"dans  le  pays  de  Sodome,  non  plus  en  ciiair  corruptible,  mais  en 
statue  de  sel  permanent,  et  montrant  par  ses  p^irties  naturelles  les 
effets  ordinaires."  Tertullian  (another  of  the  gabbling  gang  called 
Fathers  of  the  Church),  in  his  poem  on  this  very  delicate  and  import- 
ant subject,  says, 

"Dicituret  vivens  alio  sub  corpore  sexns 
Miriiiee  solito  dispungere  sanguine  menses." 

Doctor  South  has  observed,  in  speaking  of  the  Apocalypse,  that  if  it 
did  not  find  the  reader  mad,  it  always  left  him  so ;  but  ma}'^  not  the  same 
he  said,  witii  great  truth,  of  the  whole  bundle  of  inspired  trash,  which 
fills  half  the  mad-iiouses  of  Europe! 

f  "For  slie  doated  upon  their  paramours,  whose  flesh  is  as  the  flesh 
of  asses,  and  whose  issue  is  like  the  issue  of  horses." — Ezek.  xxiii. 

\  See  the  pompous  prospectus  of  Mrs.  Grant's  establishment  at 
Park-house,  Croydon ;  in  which  Mrs.  G.  observes  (among  other  frothy 
stuff")  that  "the  church  and  scriptural  catechisms,  with  the  records 
of  the  Holy  Bible,  are  deeply  impressed  on  the  tender  minds  of  the 
young  ladies  committed  to  her  care,  by  constant  study  and  written 
exercises." 

§  "And  thou  shalt  eat  it  as  barley  cakes,  and  thou  shalt  hake  it  with 
dung  that  cometh  out  of  man  in  their  sight.  Then  said  I,  Ah,  Lofd 
G^mU  behold  my  soul  hath  not  been  polluted." — Ez«dc.  iv.  We  may 
observe,  that,  owing  no  doubt  to  the  extreme  delicacy  of  the  trans- 
lators, the  word  bake  is  substituted  for  eat.  The  original,  or  at  least 
the  Latin  text,  is,  "placentem  autem  hordei  quam  comedes  ipsam  ste- 
reoribus  excrementi  humani,  parato  ia  occulis  illorura." 


58  THE    YAHOO : 

Said  grace,  and  lick'd  his  gills,  for  such  choice  diet? 

Then  Davy,  how  superlatively  good  ! 

Who  wished  to  wash  his  petticoats  in  blood ! 

And  that  the  bow-wows  running  in  the  street 

Might  lick  the  blood  from  off"  his  holy  feet!* 

Blest  Davy,  **  after  God's  own  heart,"  the  man ! 

Who  put  Uriah  in  the  battle's  van, 

And  got  his  rib  ;t  but  this  displeased  the  Lord, 

Who  b)^  the  parish  conjuror  sent  him  word. 

That  on  the  house-top  his  seraglio 

Should  with  his  neighbor  be  a  public  show, 

Before  all  Israel,  and  before  the  sun; 

(Which,  no  doubt,  caused  the  old-clorhes  mob  much  fun). 

A  prophet,  next,  comes  tramping  through  the  streets,^ 

Bare-buttock'd,  telling  all  the  girls  he  meets 

That  he  had  been  with  child,  and  brought  forth  wind,^ 

Which  sounded  like  a  harp  (perhaps  behind)  ;|| 

And  that  if  ladies  rigg'd  themselves  so  fine. 

And  put  rings  in  their  snouts,  like  filthy  swine, 

The  Lord  would  smite  them  all  with  scabby  nobs. 

And  what's  more  shocking  show  their  thingumbobs. TI 

*  "Tliat  thy  foot,  may  be  dipped  in  the  blood  of  thine  enenni«s,  and 
the  tongue  of  thy  dogs  in  the  same." — Psalm  Ixviii. 

I  "Thus  saith  tlie  Lord,  I  will  take  thy  wives  before  thine  eyes,  and 
give  them  to  tliy  neighbor,  and  he  shall  lie  with  thy  wives  in  the  sicjht 
of  the  sun;  for  thou  didst  it  secretly,  but  I  will  do  this  thing  before 
all  Israel,  and  before  the  sun !  [Pretty  stuff  for  the  Lord  to  jabber 
about!]  So  they  spread  Absalom  a  tent  upon  the  top  of  the  liouse, 
and  Absalom  went  in  [how  delicate]  unto  his  father's  concubines,  in 
the  sight  of  all  Israel."  Only  ten  ladies!  Bravo,  little  Aby !  No 
wonder  his  dad  fi-etted  after  him  so,  when  he  was  caught  by  his  rag- 
ged locks  to  the  tree.  In  the  prophesy,  his  neighbor  was  to  lie  with 
his  wives;  it  is  fulfilled  by  his  son  lying  with  his  concubines.     Mais 

c'est  egal — it's  all  holy  in  the  eyes  of  the  Bible-grubbers.     A  t 's  as 

good  for  a  sow  as  a  pancake. — See  Clarke's  Review. 

\  "And  the  Lord  said.  Like  as  my  servant  Isaiah  hath  walked  naked 
and  barefoot  three  years,  <fec.,  so  shall  the  king  of  Assyria  lead  away 
the  Egyptian  prisoners  and  captives,  young  and  old,  naked  and  bare- 
foot, even  with  their  buttocks  uncovered." — Isaiah  xx. 

§  "We  have  been  with  child,  we  have  been  in  pain,  we  have  as  it 
were  brought  forth  wind." — Isaiah  xxvi. 

II  "  Wherefore  my  bowels  shall  sound  like  an  harp." — Isaiah  xvi. 

^  "Moreover,  the  Lord  saith,  Because  the  daughters  of  Zion  are 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  59 

Such  is  the  Christian  Yahoo's  holy  treasure, 
Which  yiekls  knaves  profit,  and  gives  idiots  pleasure  ! 
Since  Holy  Bible  reading  is  the  taste, 
No  vt^onder  all  our  females  are  so  chaste. 
Can  ribaklry  like  this  be  edifying, 
So  full  of  smiting,  smuttiness,  and  lying? 
What  holy  hogvvash  for  a  chosen  nation  ! 
Is  such  a  book  the  turnpike  to  salvation  ? 
Can  such  disgusting  stuff  be  deemed  "  God's  word  ?" 
,0r  such  humgruffians  favorites  w^ith  the  Lord2 
Such  filthy  cannibals,  w^ho  hadn't  sense 
To  hide  their  unclean  things,  which  gave  offence; 
Till  Moses  bid. them  dig  a  hole  and  hide  'em,* 
Because  the  Lord,  he  said,  could  not  abide  *em ; 
And  didn't  wish,  while  lounging  in  their,  tents, 
To  be  regaled  with  such  ambrosial  scents  : 
For  where  such  lojypops  were  strevv'd  about, 
It  smelt  like  tnodera  Athens  there's  no  doubt. 
Oh,  Moses,  Moses  !   wherefore.  Mister  Moses, 
Didst  thou  not  in  their  tansies  rub  their  noses  ? 
Since  nasty  curs,  the  connoisseurs  all  say. 
If  you  repeat  the  dose,  are  cured  that  way. 
Thou  sho^ldst  have  served  such  stinkards  puppy  fashion,! 
For  putting  Goramity  in  a  passion. 
No  wonder,  worried  by  such  unlick'd  bears, 
The  Loj^d  so  often  like  a  trooper  swears.J 

hanglity,  and  walk  with  stretched  forth  necks  and  wanton  eyes,  walk- 
ing and  mincing  as  they  go:  therefore  the  Lord  will  smite  with  a  scab 
the  crown  of  the  head  of  the  daughters  of  Zion,  and  the  Lord  will 
discover  their  SECRET  tarts;  and  the  Lord  will  take  away  their  rings 
and  their  nose-jewels;  and  instead  of  a  sweet  smell  there  shall  be  a 
Btink." — Isaiah  iii. 

*  "And  thou  shalt  have  a  paddle  upon  thy  weapon,  and  it  shall  be 
when  thou  wilt  ease  thyself  abroad,  thou  shalt  dig  therewith,  and  shalt 
turn  back  and  cover  (very  cleanly !)  that  whicfi  cometh  from  thee." — 
Exodus  xxxii.  "For  the  Lord  thy  God  walketh  in  the  midst  of  thy 
camp ;  therefore  shalt  thy  camp  be  holy,  that  he  see  no  unclean  thing 
in  thee,  and  turti  away  from  thee." — Deut.  xxiii. 

f  St  John  the  Divine  differs  in  opinion  with  Mister  Moses;  since.he 
eaj  s  (Llov.  xxii.),  "He  that  is  filthy  let  him  be  filthy  still." 

X  "How  long  will  this  people  provoke  me?" — Numb.  xiv.  "Unto 
whom  I  swfire  in  my  wrath,"  <fec. 


60  THE    YAHOO : 

Angelic  Yahoo  !  though  thy  form's  divine,* 
Thy  intellect  denotes  thee  but  a  swine  : 
Cajoled  and  fleeced  by  church  and  state  combin'd, 
Yet  proudly  prating  of  thy  "  march  of  mind !" 
If  trash  like  this  can  for  religion  pass, 
Cudgell'd-  and  kicked  thou  shouldst  be  for  an  ass. 

But  though  the  Yahoo  with  this  Bible  stuff 
Is  to  the  gullet  cramm'd,  'tis  not  enough 
To  stifle  rea^n  ;   and  to  garble  truth, 
A  vampire  tribe  beset  him  from  his  youth  ; 
Well  knowing  if  they  could  but  keep  him  blind, 
They  could  no  longer  holy  plunder  rind  : 
Hence  youth  are  pestered  morning,  noon,  and  eve, 
With  ^chart  in  heaven, t  grace^  and    "  1  believe  ;'^^\ 
Then,  lest  the  head  should  be  from  lumber  freed, 
'Tis  bother'd  with  an  Athanasian  Creed ; 
Hymns,  tracts,  and  liturgies,  complete  the  twaddle, 
And  leave  the  Yahoo  a  well  furnished  noddle. 

But  Law  contributes,  law  may  claim  a  share 

*  "In  action  how  like  an  angel." — Hamlet. 

^  ^''^ Chart  in  lieaven,"  is  the  gabble  of  cliildren  morning  and  even^ 
ing;  and  snuiiled  over  with  their  "•  Ibleve,^^  or  '"' Buffry  dunder"  to  the 
great  edifi<3ation  of  the  brats,  and  delight  of  iheir  parents,  who  would 
be  liorrified  if  this  unmeaning  stuff  was  once  neglected.  The  grace  is 
snuffled  over,  that  the  Lord  may  sanctify  tlio  prog  for  their  use,  and 
themselves  to  the  Lord's  sarvice.  (What  the  Devil  sarvice  can  they 
render  the  Lord?  But  why  is  this  mummery  omitted  at  breakfast  and 
tea?  Are  those  refreshmetits  not  worth  thanking  the  Lord  for?  And 
why  is  not  grace  said,  upon  certain  occasions,  at  bed-time?  Surely, 
says  Voltaire,  "une  belle  femme  vaut  bein  un  souperl"  And  to  beg 
of  the  Lord  to  "sanctify  these  creatures  to  our  use,"  would  be  a  very 
rational  and  appropriate  j^etition  at  such  times. 

\  Few  governments  wish  for  enlightened  subjects.  "Train  up  a 
child  in  the  way  he  should  go;"  i.  e.,  brutalize  him  in  order  to  render 
him  abject  and  subservient,  and  then  upbraid  him  with  his  brutality. 
Tie  a  tin  kettle  to  a  dog's  tail,  and  set  up  the  cry  of  mad-dog,  and  he 
will  soon  get  his  brains  knocked  out.  Priests,  from  their  supposed 
sanctity,  have  unfortunately  acquired  such  an  ascendency  in  society, 
that  they  may  be  considered  as  the  principal  springs  and  levers  in  all 
governments.  "  Church  and  state"  is  the  general  cry  (church  first,  as 
the  most  influential);  and  it  has  ever  been  the  grand  undeviating 
maxim  of  the  church  to  "train  up  a  child  in  the  way  he  should  go." 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  61 

In  making  godlike  Yahoos  what  tliey  are.* 

They  law  and  church  together  are  combined, 

And  trot  on,  cheek  by  jowl,  the  rest  to  blind. 

For  Church  and  State  bawls  every  learned  brother, 

And  one  grand  humbug  countenances  t'other. 

For  right  or  wrong,  they  plead  with  equal  glee, 

"  C*est  tout  egal,"  their  object  is  the  Fee. 

In  all  the  mummery  of  gown  and  wig, 

See  on  the  bench  an  antiquated  prig ; 

How  like  a  wond'rous  oracle  he  prates, 

Directing  Gotham  jury's  addled  pates  ; 

Quotes  Coke  and  Hale,  and  Littleton  and  Selden,t 

(All  wonders  in  their  day  like  our  great  Eldon) 

Who  framed  wise  laws  to  check  the  horrid  evil 

Of  being  "  instigated  by  the  devil. "J 

Oh!   what  wise  ancestors  !    what  legislators  . 

Dame  Nature  surely  meant  them  for  bull-baiters. 

Laws  upon  laws  against  imagined  crimes  ; 

As  well  adapted  to  "  enlightened"  times  ! 

Their  grave  import  each  learned  blockhead  feels, 

By  deodands  on  horses  and  cai't-wheels.§ 

*  It  appears  as  if  the  Lamb,  ahas  the  blessed  Redeemer,  had  con- 
ceived a  very  unfavorable  opinion  of  the  latitat  tribe  (who,  it  is  very 
possible,  were  in  his  time  bat  a  shabby  set),  op  he  would  not  have  ex- 
pressed himself  with  sneh  bitterness  in  speaking  of  them:  for  exam- 
ple, "And  he  said.  Woe  unto  you  also,  ye  lawyerbl  for  ye  lade  men 
with  burdens  grievous  to  be  borne,  and  ye  yourselves  touch  not  the 
burdens  with  one  of  your  fingers.  Woe  unto  you,  lawyers  I  lor  ye 
liave  taken  away  the  key  of  knowledge." — Luke  x.  46,  52. 

f  In  the  present  so  much  boasted  age  of  "intellect,"  we  hear  these 
authorities  quoted  as  prodigies  of  wisdom  and  excellence;  yet  this 
great  Sir  Matthew  Hale  condemned  several  poor  old  women  to  the 
gallows  for  witchcraft. 

J  The  I'idiculous  fudge  from  our  enlightened  ancestors,  in  the  pre- 
amble to  all  criminal  indictments,  and  still  kept  up  as  an  illustration 
of  the  spread. 

§  "Deodand  (deodandum)  a  thing  devoted  to  God  for  expiation  of 
his  wrall),  or  to  atone  for  the  violent  death  of  a  man  by  misadvent- 
ure."— Baileif.  Jacob's  Law  Dictionnry  says,  "given  or  ratlier  for- 
feited to  God  for  the  pacification  of  liis  wrath,"  Is  it  any  wonder  our 
venerahle  ancestors  are  so  highly  extolled?  A  poor  old  woman  being 
deaf,  or  perhaps  drunk,  is  run  over  by  a  cart,  when  the  loheel  is  given 
to  the  great  Jehovah  to  appease  his  wrath!  What  has  provokecj  his 
wrath?     Oh,  divine  Yahoo!     "In  apprehension  how  like  a  i:t)il !" 

6 


62  THE    YAHOO : 

Ordeals,  magic,  laws  for  hanging  witches,* 
And  throwing  women  into  ponds  and  ditches  ! 
For  it  was  soon  discovered  by  their  swimming, 
Whether  they  witches  were,  or  mere  old  women. 
Then  searching  them  for  private  teats,  to  show 
Whether  they  suckled  Beelzebub  or  no  !t 
Wager  of  battle  laws  !   and  some  (what  sport!) 
Sent  ladies  riding  on  a  ram  in  court  IJ  m 

Stick-chopping  sheriffs  proving  themselves  able; 
And  lord  mayors  counting  hobnails  on  a  table  !§ 

*  By  tlie  express  co?iimand  of  the  holy  bugaboo,  Exod.  xxii.  18,  and 
Lev.  XX.  27,  wizards  and  witches  are  to  be  put  to  death ;  and  upon 
tills  holy  nuthoi'ity  the  British  Solomon  founded  his  Demonology,  of 
wliieh  the  following  is  an  extract: — 

Questum.  "What  forme  of  punyshment  thinke  ye  merites  magiciens 
and  witches?" 

King.   '*  They  ought  to  be  put  to  dethe,  according  to  the  law  of  God." 

Question.    "But  what  kynde  of  dethe  I  pray  you  ?" 

King.   "It  is  commonly  by  fyre." 

Quefition.   "But  ought  no  sex,  age,  nor  rank  to  be  excused?" 

King.   "  None  at  all ^." 

So  much  for  the  wisdom  and  humanity  of  this  precious  Lord's 
anointed;  no  wonder  he  has  been  held  up  as  a  prodigy  by  the  clergy, 
wlio  have  always  profited  by  the  ignorance  and  barbarity  of  the  peo- 
ple, and  who  will  sanction  and  justify  from  holy  writ,  the  continuance 
of  such  atrocities  in  the  I'emote  parts  of  the  country,  as  far  as  they  are 
able.  This  royal  pitoyable,  in  the  conference  at  Hampton  Court,  jab- 
bered so  much  to  the  purpose,  that  Archbishop  "Whitgift  (who,  as  Lord 
Bolingbroke  observes,  died  soon  after,  and  most  probably  doated  then), 
declared  thafc  "verily  the  king  spake  by  the  spirit  of  God."  It  ap- 
pears from  some  letters  in  the  Harlein  MSS.  that  Jmmnie  had  a  thick 
skull.  "They  could  hardly,"  says  the  letter  to  Sir  Wm.  Hollende, 
"breake  it  open  with  a  chisel  and  a  saw,  and  so  full  of  brains,  as  they 
could  not,  upon  the  opening,  keep  them  from  splitting;  a  great  proof 
of  his  infinite  judgment." — Relics  of  Literature,  226.  See  Bishop  Jew- 
ell's vehement  admonition  to  Queen  Elizabeth  to  prosecute  witches 
and  sorcerers  with  severity,  from  which,  and  other  similar  remon- 
strances, by  the  church  gang,  witchcraft  and  enchantment  were  made 
felony  soon  after;  and  in  the  year  1612,  nineteen  poor  wretches  were 
tried  at  Lancaster  for  witchcraft,  ten  of  whom  were  condemned  and 
executed. 

f  It  was  the  usual  practice  to  strip  the  poor  women  for  this  pur- 
pose, and  also  to  prick  them  with  pins,  or'  scratch  them  with  bram- 
bles, to  see  if  they  would  bleed. 

X  See  this  explained  in  Bailey's  Dictionary,  word  Free-bench. 
§  See  an  excellent  burlesque  -on  the  wise  laws  and  customs  of  our 
ancestors  in  Goldsmith's  13th  essay. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  63 

Such  were  our  great  grand-dads  !   what  a  breed ! 
From  whom  our  great  mind-marching  race  proceed. 
No  wonder  Yahoos  boast  their  genealogy, 
Or  rave  about  the  humbug  of  phrenology  ; 
By  which  great  doctors  (Splitskull,  Fudge,  and  Co.), 
From  bumps  upon  the  nob  can  plainly  show 
Whether  the  boy  will  be  a  thief  or  no. 
For  if  nobs  on  the  sconce  so  guide  the  mind, 
The  fingers  will  to  pilfering  be  inclined  ; 
Thus  destined  to  the  drop  he  can  not  shun  it, 
The  cursed  bumps  upon  his  nob  have  done  it. 

Oh,  intellect  !  how  far  and  wide's  thy  spread, 
Fermenting  in  each  lubber's  loggerhead. 
Not  only  is  it  shown  on  skulls  by  bumps. 
But  also  in  fool's  tricks,  hops,  skips,  and  jumps  ! 
All  hail,  gymnastics!  (ass  tricks)  what  a  sight! 
Boys  walking  on  their  heads,  their  heels  upright  I 
What  joy  to  see  his  sons,  the  parent  feels, 
Bending  sea-crabs,  and  turning  Cath'rine  wheels. 
Will  climbing  ladders  backward,  leaping  ditches, 
And  playing  such  fool's  antics  bring  in  riches'? 
A  money-getting  itch  'tis,  no  doubt,  stirs  'em  ; 
Oh,  brilliant  trio!  Voelker,  Gall,  and  Spurzheim ! 
While  each  one  for  a  prodigy  now  passes. 
Who'd  ever  think  of  "  writing  them  down  asses  ?"* 
Their  sapient  followers,  one  and  all,  indeed. 
Might  be  set  down,  with  truth,  of  long-ear'd  breed. 

Hail,  glorious  age  !   when  science  so  abounds, 
That  our  sea-captains  give  a  dozen  pounds 
To  purchase^a  child's  caul,  as  then  they  knoV 
They  can't  to  Davy  Jones's  locker  go.f 

*  "Oh,  that  he  were  but  here  to  write  me  down  an  ass." — Shakspere, 

f  Another  striking  proof  of  the  anarch!  In  the  most  respectable 
journals,  advertisements  are  every  day  inserted  announcing  children's 
cauh  for  sale  at  from  £10  to  £20  each ;  which  were  purchased  by  cap- 
tains of  ships  as  sure  preservatives  against  drowninjL? !  Bits  of  scarlet 
rai^s  are  also  bought  by  tlie  same  wiseacres,  chiefly  Greenland  cap- 
tains, of  old  women,  supposed  witches  in  Norway,  for  the  purpose  of 
procuring  favorable  winds  in  returning  home 


64  THE    YAHOO : 

And  when  in  Norway,  seek  for  some  old  hag, 
Of  whom  they  buy  a  slip  of  scarlet  rag ; 
Which,  being  fastened  to  the  vessel's  masts, 
Saves  the  sea-lubbers  from  all  adverse  blasts. 

But  there's  the  stage  !   does  that  co-operate, 
And  furnish  kimber  for  the  Yahoo's  pate  1 
Oh,  yes  !  the  theatre  itself  is  made 
A  kind  of  hot-bed  for  the  humbug  trade  ! 
When  ghosts  and  goblins  are  personified. 
The  audience,  one  and  all,  are  horrified  ; 
The  "  ad  captandam  vulgus"  is  a  ghost, 
Which  touches  Yahoo's  tender  feelings  most ; 
For  tho'  such  grim  hobgoblins  yield  delight, 
They  at  the  same  time  cause  a  dreadful  fright,* 
And  strike  with  terror,  more  than  pulpit  prosing. 
Which  lulls  the  congregation  oft  to  dozing; 
Hence  parsons  all,  of  every  age  and  size, 
Are  ever  puffing  Shakspere  to  the  skies  ; 
Convinced  his  pale-faced  ghosts  with  bloody  sconces, 
Will  cause  most  terror  to  priest-ridden  dunces. 
Hence  Shakspere  mania,  every  dolt  can  quote. 
From  his  puff'd  plays,  whole  sentences  by  rote  : 
While  those  who  hear  the  ranting,  at  each  line. 
Cry  out,  "  How  charming !"  "  Oh,  that's  very  fine  !" 

Nor  less  delighted  are  the  Yahoo  rabble. 
To  hear  the  witches  round  the  kettle  gabble,t 

*  "How  odd  a  single  hobgoblin's  nonentity, 

Should  cause  more  fear  than  a  whole  host's  identity." 

Byron. 

f  Could  any  one  suppose  an  audience,  boasting  their  ration  ah  ty, 
could  sit  to  hear,  much  more  to  take  delight  in,  such  disgusting  gib- 
berish, hardly  fit  for  a  Bartleraj  fair  mob. 

Very  few  writers,  excepting  Rymer  and  Cobbett,  have  ventured  to 
point  out  the  absurdities  of  the  divine  bard,  which  indeed  is  considered 
as  petty  treason;  the  latter,  however,  speaks  out  boldly.  "After  his 
ghosts,  witches,  sorcerers,  fairies,  and  monsters;  after  his  bombast,  and 
puns,  and  smut,  what  is  it  can  make  a  nation  admire  Shakspere?  What 
is  it  that  can  make  them  call  him  a  divine  bard,  nine-tenths  of  whose 
works  are  made  up  of  such  trash  as  any  decent  tnan  would  be  ashamed 
to  put  his  name  to?  The  time  will  undoubtedly  come,  when  the 
whole  of  this  stuff  will,  by  the  natural  good  sense  of  the  nation,  be  eon- 
sig;ied  to  everlasting  oblivion." — Register,  vol.  84,  p.  435. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  6l> 

or  mixing  toad  and  blood  of  bat  together 

Will  grease  scrap'd  from  the  gallows  in  hot  weather, 

And  putting  in,  with  other  filth  to  stew, 

"  Turk's  nose,  frog's  toes,  and  liver  of  a  Jew." 

Then  stirring  it  nine  times  to  brew  up  trouble. 

Or  in  their  jargon,  "  make  the  hell-broth  bubble." 

Is  it  a  wonder  hags  and  ghosts  aflright, 

When  such  bombasi  is  spouted  every  night?* 

Then  while  the  hags  sink  down  before  his  eyes, 

To  see  Macbeth  gape  up  toward  the  skies. 

And  give  amidst  his  "  start,  and  stare,  and  stagger,"! 

A  flying  leap  to  catch  the  "air-drawn  dagger!" 

But  Banquo's  ghost's  the  thing,  when  pale  as  death, 

He  up  the  trap-door  pops  to  scare  Macbeth  ; 

With  visage  grim,  and  stiff  about  the  crupper, 

He  squats  down  with  the  quality  to  supper: 

While  they  with  wonder  at  each  other  stare, 

To  hear  such  ranting  at  an  empty  chair  : 

He's  raving  at  the  ghost  (which  they  don't  see), 

And  cries,  "  Don't  shake  your  gory  locks  at  me." 

Since  superstition  rules  the  Yahoo  most. 
There's  nothing  for  the  parson  like  a  ghost  ;f 
While  he  can  keep  his  noodles  in  a  fright. 
With  ghosts  and  devils,  all  will  go  on  right. 
Is  it  a  wonder,  then,  that  such  a  scribe 
Should  be  a  fav'rite  with  the  humbug  tribe? 

That  Shakspere  copied  Nature  is  the  cry ; 
But  Nature  may  be  copied  in  her  sty  : 

*  See  Beanchamp's  excellent  Analysis,  192. 

I  "And  strut,  and  storm,  and  straddle,  stamp  and  stare." — A  line  in 
Cowper's  Task,  describing  players. 

\  Every  person  endeavors  to  inculcaf-e  a  belief  in  ghosts  and  witches, 
as  tendin*^  to  perpetuate  fear  and  ii^^noranee,  tiieir  li^rand  and  only  sup- 
porters. Cral)l)e  confesses  th(^ir  utility,  and  classes  unbelievers  with 
ruffians  in  the  true  spirit  of  Christian  charity. 

"Each  village  inn  has  heard  l.lie  ruffian  boast. 
That  he  believ'd  in  neither  God  nor  Ghost." — Parish  Register. 

All  which  is  riveted  by  the  blessed  Jew  book,  where  Samuel's  ghost  is 
adverted  to  as  a  knoclv  you  down  nrirument,  if  you  demur. 

6* 


66  THE   yahoo: 

m 

As  Voltaire  once  remark'd  by  his  derriere. 

Which,  though  'twas  Nature,  he  wrapt  up  with  care. 

Does  Nature  prompt  Othello's  blackguard  roar — * 
"  Villain,  be  sure  you  prove  my  wife  a  whore  !"t 
To  murder  Desdemona,  and  then  tell,       ^ 
In  language  Billingsgate  can  not  excel,     > 
"  She's  like  a  liar  gone  to  burn  in  hell !"  } 
And  can  such  ribaldry,  such  vulgar  stuff 
Give  pleasure  ?  yes,  'tis  Shakspere's — that's  enough  ; 
To  find  fault  with  his-  plays  is  petty  treason  ; 
We  must  not  bring  them  to  the  test  of  reason  : 
They're  meant,  like  other  precious  stuff,  for  cramming  in 
The  Yahoo's  empty  pate  without  examining. 

Who'd  sit  to  hear  such  trash  as  Cymbeline, 
Were  it  not  Shakspere's  ?  then  its  very  fine  ! 
How  poor  lachimo  must  sweat  and  fume, 
Coop'd  in  his  box,  while  in  the  lady's  room! 

*  See  the  excellent  remarks  upon  this  Blackamoor's  rant  jn  Rymer's 
"Short  View  of  Tragedy,"  and  also  on  the  absurdities  of  Shakspere's 
Julius  C(B8ar. 

f  The  following:  lines  are  in  part  extracted  from  the  Epilogue  to  the 
Clandestine  Marringe.  A  party,  after  quitting  the  card  table,  begin 
discoursing  on  the  plays  of  Shakspere: — 

Sir  Pat' k  Ma-         "King  Lare's  touching!  and  how  line  to  see 
honey.  Oiild  Hamlet's  ghost  1     To  be  or  not  to  be 

AVhat  are  your  op'ras  to  Othello's  roar? 

Oh,  he's  an  angel  of  a  blackamoor! 
Lord  Minum.      AVhat,  when  he  chokes  his  wife? 
Col,  Trill.  And  calls  her  whore? 

Sir  Pat.  King  Richard  calls  liis  horse, — and  then  Macbeth, 

Who  talks  of  murder  till  he's  out  of  breath! 

My  blood  runs  cowld  at  every  syllable; 
Lord  Min.  And  then  he  spies  a  dasiiS^er — 

Col.  Trill.  That's  invisible! 

Sir  Pat.  Oh,  botheration  !  how  could  he  suppose 

A  bloody  dagger  dangled  at  his  nose? 

And  jump  to  catch  it! 
Col.  Trill.  Had  it  been  a  dagger 

He  might  have  cut  his  thumb! 
Lord  Min.  And  spoil'd  his  swagger." 

[All  laugh. 
See  an  excellent  burlesque  of  this  Tom-a-Bedlam  foolery  in  the 
"  Rejected  Addresses." 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  67 

Suppose,  while  button'd  up  for  this  strange  frolic, 
He  had  been  troubled  with  the  windy  colic  ! 
How  the  poor  lady  in  her  bed  must  funk 
At  hearing  loud  explosions  in  the  trunk ! 

Next  Shylock  comes,  a  cannibal  old  Jew, 
Who  claims  a  pound  of  flesh,  by  bond  his  due. 
No  words  his  savage  rancor  can  assuage. 
He  brings  his  weights  and  scales  upon  the  stage  ; 
Then  whets  his  knife  to  cut  it  in  the  sight 
Of  Christian  Yahoos,  to  their  great  delight.* 

Behold  King  Loar,  who  raves  in  his  oration, 
For  musk  to  sweeten  his  imagination.! 
Why,  what  has  tainted  it  ?  the  reader  cries  ; 
Ask  ladies,  who  praise  Shakspere  to  the  skies. 

See  Hamlet's  hair  (or  wig)  stand  bolt  iipright,J 
Like  quills  upon  the  porcupine,  with  fright ; 
His  daddy's  ghost  comes  all  in  armor  drest — 
(A  queer  ghost's  jacket  it  must  be  confess'd) : 
*'  Angels,"  he  cries,  "  and  ministers  of  grace," 
In  horror  at  the  phantom's  powder'd  face  : 
But  when  the  bugaboo  down  stairs  has  got. 
He  cracks  his  jokes  with  it — his  fright's  forgot ; 
And  while  the  spectre  underground  cries  "  Swear!" 
Says,  "  Ha  !  old  Truepenny,  what,  art  thou  there  ?" 

*  How  such  horrible  and  disgusting  stuff  can  be  delighted  in  is  as- 
tonishing! It  serves,  however,  to  keep  up  animosity,  and  exasperate 
one  chiss  of  citizens  against  another,  by  which  they  are  all  moro  easily 
managed  and  kept  in  subjection.  Divide  and  conquer  is  the  grand 
sine  qua  non  of  all  governments. 

f  "Down  from  the  waist  they  are  centaurs,  tho'  women  all  nhove; 
but  to  the  tiirdle  do  the  gods  inherit,  beneath  is  all  tlie  fiends.  Tiicre's 
liell — tiiere's  darkness — there  is  the  sulphurous  pit,  burning,  scalding, 
stench,  consum|)tion :  fie,  fie,  fie:  pah,  pah  :  give  me  an  ounce  of  civet, 
good  apothecary,  to  sweett-n  my  iujagination  I"  There's  a  neat,  gen- 
teel speech  for  royalty  to  spout. 

X  The  tragedy  performers  ^n  Pope's  time  wore  enormous  Caxons; 
Gibber  tells  us  WMJaney  cost  him  forty  guineas! 

" what  made  the  people  stare? 

Cato's  great  wig." 


68  THE    YAHOO : 

These  are  rough  sketches  of  our  fav'rite  plays, 
That  yield  such  raptures,  and  obtain  such  praise  : 
From  such  choice  specimens  of  Shakspere's  pages, 
Is  it  a  wonder  *Shakspere-mania  rages? 
Such  fustian  hodge-podge,  hatch'd  from  childish  tales, 
Where  ghosts  and  hags,  and  nmmmery  prevails. 
Are  well  adapted  for  a  Yorkshire  fair, 
To  make  clodhopping  bumpkins  grin  and  stare  : 
But  in  this  boasted  intellectual  age, 
To  bring  such  trumpery  upon  the  stage  ; 
In  London,  too,  the  seat  of  art  and  science, 
To  set  all  common  sense  so  at  defiance  ! 
To  puff"  th'  immortal  bard"  up  to  the  sky,* 
Shows  Yahoos  are  but  babes,  tho'  six  feet  high  ; 
And  that  'tis  raree-shows  they  most  delight  in, 
With  Punch  and  Judy  and  the  Devil  fighting. 

Survey  the  biped  race  in  ev'ry  state, 
The  rich,  the  poor,  the  vulgar,  and  the  great ; 
In  what  class  or  condition  can  we  trace. 
The  "  little  less  than  angel"  m  the  race  ?t 

*  No  manufacturer  of  bombast,  or  rattle  bladder  trash,  has  ever 
been  so  wonderfully  'puffed  up  or  extolled  as  Shakspere.  But  as  poor 
Saneho  observes,  "There's  never  a  wliy  bub  there's  a  wherefore."  By 
the  vampire  tribe  he  is  held  up  as  a  prodigy,  from  the  great  service  he 
has  rendered  them  by  his  personifications  of  ghosts  and  phantoms; 
and  by  the  Yahoos  in  general,  from  his  having  beplastered  them  so 
neatly  I  "Caw  me,  caw  thee;"  but  hear  him,  as  tJiey  cry  in  a  certain 
keimel,  when  any  honorable  gentleman  is  speaking  nonsense. 

"What  a  piece  of  work  is  man!  how  noble  in  reason!  [Is  not  this 
ironical?  Reamn,  and  whitewashing  with  lamb's  blood,  do  not  well 
assimilate.]  How  infinite  in  faculties;  in  form  and  moving  how  expi-ess 
and  admirable;  in  action  how  like  a  god!  the  beauty  of  the  world; 
the  i>aragon  of  animals!"  Bravo,  the  divine  bard.  He  does  the  thing 
handsomely,  and  dabs  it  on  ])retty  thick,  but  it  all  sticks.  The  Ya- 
hoo's vanity  has  stomach  for  it  all.  No  wonder,  after  such  a  luscious 
lollypop  they  should  dub  him  divine,  and  so  incessantly  bellow  forth 
his  wonderful  knowledge  of  human  nature.     Blarney  for  ever! 

f  It  is  much  to  be  regretted  that  Pope  has  not  explained  to  us  what 
angels  were.  It  would  have  amused  us  to  know  how  they  spend  their 
time  when  they  have  done  singing  and  trHin))eting ;  whether  they  fly 
about  with  tlieir  goose  wings  stuck  on  their  shoulders,  what  are  their 
wants,  and  how  tiliey  are  gratified  ;  whether  they  eat  and  drink,  <fec. ; 
and  whether,  if  they  do,  it  all  transpires  in  ambrosial  perspiration;  or 
whether  there's  a  necessity  for  a  "wha  wants  me?" — See  Martinus 
Scriblerns,  chap.  1. 


A    SATIRICAL     RHAPSODY.  69 

But  what  are  angels  ?  lubbers  with  goose  wings  ! 
What  nonsense  a  great  poet  sometimes  sings. 

See  the  poor  sailor  dragg'd  out  like  a  dog, 
To  murder,  or  be  murdered  for  king  Log.* 
On  board  a  floating-hell  he's  hauled  to  fight,t 
And  neither  knows  nor  cares  who's  wrong  or  right  :J 
He  takes  his  quid  and  grog,  and  damns  his  eyes, 
Till  by  a  chain-shot  cut  in  two  he  dies. 
Or  see  the  martial  hero  glory  seek, 
Urg'd  on  by  fame  and  eighteen-pence  a  week  :^ 

*  "I  own,"  says  Chesterfield  to  his  son,  "that  I  have  a  great  regard 
for  king  Log." 

jf  Blaeli  floating  hells  was  the  name  given  by  the  Americans  to  our 
men-of-war,  during  the  Revohition, — in  which  they  so  happily  suc- 
ceeded. 

J  Copenhagen  and  Navarino,  for  example. 

§  "Oil  trouver  des  hommes  qui  pour  5  ou  6  sous  par  jour  affrontent 
dans  les  combats,  la  mort,  ou  les  maladies,  s'ils  avoient  le  sens  com- 
mun."  The  pay  of  the  Russian  cut-throats  is  about  2s.  6d.  per  month. 
— See  Erasme  de  la  Folic,  p  45. 

"One  to  destroy  is  murder  by  the  law, 
And  gibbets  keep  the  lifted  hand  in  awe; 
To  murder  thousands  takes  a  specious  name, 
'Way's  glorious  art,  and  gives  immortal  fame." — Young. 
For  a  true  history  of  the  Yahoo  in  all  his  brilliancy  and  godlike  he- 
roism, the  reaper  is  referred  to  the  description  of  the  battle  between 
the  two  frigates,  in  Lieutenant  Smith's  "Sailors  and  Saints,"  where 
lie  is  is  delineated  in  the  full  indulgence  of  his  butchering  propensity, 
covered  with  gore  and  glory.     Surely  the  Yahoo  must  smell  of  blood 
in  the  next  world,  if  he  is  not  well  scoured  with  the  soap-suds  of  re- 
ijeneration,    and    purified    by    the     "new    birth    unto    righteousness." 
"What  can  the  Devil  want  such  bloodhounds  for?"     Mais  taisez-vous — 
\\\iiy\Q  jolly  tars. 

"The  cunning  of  mankind,"  says  Arbuthnot,  "never  exerts  itself  so 
much  as  in  their  arts  of  destroying  one  another." — See  Swift's  Brob- 
dignag,  chap.  7,  where  their  ingenuity  in  this  particular  is  well  de- 
scribed. 

"  Les  plus /tow nc^es  gens  apprirent  a  compter  parmi  leurs  devoii's 
celui  d'egorger  leurs  semblables;  on  vit  les  hommes  se  massacrer  par 
milliers  sans  savoir  pourquoi." — Rousseau. 

"  For  soldiers,  if  they  thought  aright, 
Would  all  as  soon  be  damn'd  as  fight 
For  kings,  who,  when  they've  lost  a  leg, 
Will  hardly  give  'eih  leave  to  beg." — JJomer  Barlesqiied, 


70  THE    YAHOO  : 

With  colors  flying  they  all  march  in  order, 

Told  by  the  parson  "  killing  is  no  murder.'' 

Thousands  of  strutting  godlike  Yahoo  heroes 

March  out  to  fight,  to  please  two  royal  Neros  ; 

Who  wallow  in  their  styes,  while  these  train'd  brutes 

Are  sacrificed  to  settle  their  disputes  ; 

And  when  one  half  are  killed,  the  other  boasts 

How  much  they're  succor'd  by  the  "  Lord  of  Hosts." 

One  side  Te-deums  sings,  and  so  does  t'other;* 

The  Lord  has  help'd  king  I^og,  and  king  Log's  brother. t 

*'  God's  images"  by  thousands  are  at  once 

Kill'd  offj  to  please  a  "  Lord's  anointed"  dunce  ! 

A  dunce  anointed  !      Can  legitimates 

Have,  like  their  stupid  subjects,  wooden  pates? 

Yes  ;   blocks  alike,  they're  tutored  all  by  priests  ;^ 

The  only  diff'rence  is,  they're  roi/al  beasts  : 

Their  skulls  are  stuffed  the  same  with  fee-faw-fum, 

With  hocus-pocus, II  hell,  and  kingdom-come. 

But  still  such  monarchs,  tho'  with  wooden  nobs. 
Are  suited  best  to  wooden-headed  mobs,Tf 

*  ''That  like  the  JBriton  and  the  Gaul, 

Both  sides  may  sinir,  and  roar,  and  bawl, 
Te  Deurriy  tho'  for  nought  at  all; 
And  tell  the  Lord  a  cui-sed  lie, 

That  both  have  got  the  victory." — Homer  Burlesqued. 
f  In  all  epistolary  correspondence  between  the  Lord's  anointed,  they 
always  subsci-ibe  themselves  royal  brothers. 

\  "Killed  off"  was  the  usual  laconic  unfeeling  answer  of  Mr.  "Wind- 
ham, then  seeretary-at-war,  when  questioned  as  to  the  great  deficien- 
cies in  the  returned  skeleton  regiments  from  America.  A  proof  how 
heroes  are  appreciated  when  they  can  no  longer  stand  to  be  shot  at. 

§  "Malheur  aux  nations  qui  confient  I'edueation  de  leur  citoyens 
aux  pretres,"  says  Helvetius.  "Beaucoup  mieux  vaudroit  ne  leur  en 
donner  aucune."  To  which  nury  be  added  the  observation  of  Gold- 
smith— "  The  countries  where  sacerdotal  instruction  alone  is  permitted, 
remain  in  ignorance,  superstition,  and  slavery." 

II  A  corruption  of  "hoc  est  corpus  meum,"  a  part  of  the  sacrament 
gabble  :  for  the  consolation  of  idiots,  ah'as  Christians,  who  make  no 
doubt  of  being  hugged  in  Abraham's  bosom  if  they  chew  a  bit  of  the 
Lord's  body,  by  way  of  quid,  to  comfoi'fc  themselves  with,  as  they  jog 
along  from  "this  ere  world  to  that  ere." 

^  "How  goes  the  mob?  (for  that's  a  mighty  thing), 

When  the  king's  trump  the  mob  are  for  the  king." — Drydcn. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  71 

Who  roar  and  stretch  their  ell-wide  jaws,  and  sing 

For  any  royal  dolt,  "  God  save  the  king  !"* 

It  matters  not,  tho'  made  of  rotten  stuff, 

If  he's  the  "  Lord's  anointed,"  that's  enough. f 

A  jackass,  'dizen'd  out  in  robes  of  state, 

Let  an  archbishop  but  anoint  his.pate, 

And  dub  him  sacred,  soon  would  be  ador'd — 

The  Yahoo  mob  would  hail  him  '*  sovereign  lord  :" 

Most  humbly  they'd  profess  themselves  to  be 

The  vassals  of  his  gracious  majesty  ;J 

A  lubber  only  fit  the  crows  to  scare. 

Or  carry  guts  to  feed  a  hungry  bear : 

Clap  but  a  tinsel  bauble  on  his  sconge, 

His  imperfections  vanish  all  at  once  ;§ 

He's  God's  viceregent,  and  by  right  divine 

Can  at  his  pleasure  flog  his  herd  of  swine. 

The  Jews,  we're  by  the  Lord's  lieutenant  told,|| 
Worshipp'd  a  calf,  that  Aaron  made,  of  gold  ;T[ 

*  "Well,  if  the  king's  a  lion,  n(  tlie  least, 

The  people  are  a  many-headed  beast." — Pope. 

•f  "What  the  Lord  sends  ns  surely  must  be  good. 

Although  'tis  but  a  piece  of  rotten  wood." — Pindar. 

X  If  any  one  of  these  sacred  noodles  vouchsafed  to  open  his  royal 
mouth,  whatever  he  utters  must  be  gracioiu\  forsooth !  YcvS,  most 
gracious,  although  it  should  be  a  recommendation  to  a  gang  of  para- 
sites to  strip  the  last  shirt  from  off  the  backs,  and  the  last  penny  from 
the  pockets  of  his  loving,  swinish  subjects,  to  enable  gingerbread-gilt 
trumpeters  to  wear  laced  jackets  at  £70  a  piece!  Is  there  neither 
shame  nor  common  sense  anywhere  but  in  America? 

§  "  Prendi  uom  rozzo  e  comun,  fanne  un  monarca, 
Tosto  il  favor  del  ciel  sopra  gli  piove; 
Tosto  divien  di  sapienza  un'arca; 
Nella  testa  di  hii  s'alloggia  Giovet 
Decide,  ordina,  giudica:  un  oracolo 
Tutto  a  un  tratto  divien:  pare  un  miracolo." — Casti. 

I  Moses  is  so  designated  by  Ilobbes. 

^  "And  I  said  unto  them,  whosoever  hath  any  gold,  let  them  break 
it  off;  so  they  gave  it  me:  then  I  cast  it  into  the  ire,  and  there  came 
out  tliis  calf." — Exod.  xxxii.  "And  he  [Moses]  said  unto  them,  Put 
every  man  his  sword  by  his  side,  and  go  tlirough  the  camp,  and  slay 
every  man  his  brother,  and  every  ninii  hia  companion.     And  tliey  did 


72  THE    YAHOO : 

For  which,  as  in  the  holy  book  'tis  written, 
Three  thousand  of  the  siiipcock  race  were  smitten, 
While  Aaron  'scap'd  !     Just  as  in  modern  times, 
The  great  remain  unpunish'd  for  their  crimes.* 
But  do  not  Christian  Yahoos  every  day 
To  golden  calves  their  adoration  pay  ?t 
The  gin-drench'd  rabble  always  will  adore 
The  titled,  lordly  crew,  who  keep  them  poor  :;|: 
With  equal  admiration  they  all  stare 
x\t  Spain's  doll-dresser,^  or  a  Russian  bear ; 
Or  hug  a  filthy,  stinking  Cossack, ||  rot  'em, 
And  run  to  hell  to  kiss  a  royal  bottom.*l[ 

so  according  to  the  word  of  Moses;  and  there  fell  of  the  people  that 
day  about  3,000  men." — Ibid. 

*' And  the  Lord  plagued  the  people,  because  they  made  the  calf  which 
Aaron  made." — Ibid.  This  is  as  clear  as  mud  ;  bnt  the  ghost  in  many 
instances,  seemed  a  thick-skulled  one  at  inditing. 

*  "Small  rogues  in  hempen  ropes  oft  swing, 
"While  great  ones  gain  a  red  silk  string: 
The  trade  is  learn'd  in  half  an  hour, 
To  spare  the  rich  and  flog  the  poor." — Homer  Burlesqued. 

\  "Fools  that  we  are,  like  Israel's  fools  of  yore, 
The  calf  ourselves  have  fashion'd  we  adore: , 
But  should  true  reason  once  resume  her  reign, 
The  god  will  dwindle  to  a  calf  again." — Churchill. 

\  "The  dustman  in  his  cart  that  hourly  slaves. 
Drawn  by  an  ass,  the  partner  of  his  toils. 
Is  far  superior  to  such  titled  knaves, 

In  coaches  glitt'ring  with  a  nation's  spoils." — Pindar. 

§  This  truly  pitoyahle  "Lord's  anointed"  amused  himself,  during  his 
Captivity  in  France,  in  working  muslin  petticoats  for  a  wooden  doll, 
called  the  Virgin  Mary !     A  specimen  of  royal  intellect. 

J  The  savage  who  came  to  exhibit  himself  after  Bonaparte's  defeat 
in  Russia,  when  thousands  went  to  gape  at  him  in  Hyde  Park,  and 
other  public  places;  as  a  prodigy. 

^  "E  quel:  fu  giusto  ognor  creduto  e  detto, 
Che  il  suddito  al  sovran  la  zampa  lecchi 
Di  dijitmdenza  in  segno  e  di  rispetto; 
Ma  se  la  zampa  a  far  leccar  ti  secchi, 
Farti  altre  parti  anche  leccar  tu  puoi : 
Tutti  ti  leccheran  quel  ehe  tu  vuoi." — Casti. 


Il 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  73 


Whoe'er  would  witness  folly's  highest  sport, 
Let  him  behold  a  collar-day  at  court  :* 
AVhoe'er  would  see  Tom-fools,  may  here  find  plenty ; 
For  one  they'll  see  elsewhere,  they'll  here  find  twenty. 
See  "king-at-arms,"  in  all  their  buckram  state! 
What  stars  and  ribands  on  the  childish  great  If 
What  illustrissimos  and  excellencies  ! 
Hung  round  with  colored  strings,  to  please  their  fancies ! 
What  lacquer'd  puppets  !   what  a  raree-show  !J 
Are  these  the  *'  Tiddydolls"  to  whom  we  bow  ? 
See  Lady  Squab  among  the  doU-drest  group ! 
Is  that  a  Yahoo  with  that  monstrous  hoop  ? 
The  upper  half  preserves  the  likeness  still. 
The  lower  has  been  thro'  the  flatting-mill. 
Use  reconciles  us  to  such  uncouth  shapes. 
Or  we  should  laugh  to  see  such  human  apes. 
What  starch-phizz'd  poker-back'd,  fine  dukes  and  lords  ! 
Lisping  their  pretty  namby-pamby  words  ! 
This  nincompoop's  dubb'd  royal — tJiat  serene  ;^ 
But  what  does  such  slop-dawdle  nonsense  mean? 
How  do  these  lordships,  highnesses,  and  graces, 
Refrain  from  laughing  in  each  other's  faces  ? 

*  A  collar-day  is  a  festival  when  the  knights  wear  their  collars  of 
SS.  round  their  necks  as  ornanoents.- — Bailey. 

f  "L'opinion  et  le  prdjugo  viennent  k  bont  de  faire  passer  pour  une 
decoration  honorable,  les  signes  les  plus  pu6riles,  et  les  plus  ridicules." 
— Du  Marsais. 

X  "You  must  renounce  courts,"  says  Lord  Chesterfield,  "if  you  will 
not  connive  nt  knaves  and  tolerate  fools ;  their  number,  makes  them 
considerable." 

"But  how,  my  muse,  canst  thou  refuse  so  long, 
The  bright  tt^mptation  of  the  courtly  throng? 
The  most  inviting  theme : — the  court  affords 
Much  food  for  satire;  it  abounds  in  lords." — Young. 

§  "  Ce  monde  e&t  un  grand  Bal,  ou  des  Fous  d6guises, 
Sous  des  risibles  norns  d'eniinence,  et  d'altesse, 
Pensent  enfler  leur  etre  et  hausser  leur  bassesse," — Voltaire. 

"Hast  thou,  O  Sun,  beheld  an  emptier  sort, 
Than  such  as  swell  this  bladder  of  a  court; 
Such  t)aintcd  pupp<!ts,  such  a  vamisljed  race, 

Of  liollovv  gewgftws,  only  drens  and  face!" — Donne. 

7 


74  THE     YAHOO : 

Such  things  that  glitter  like  gilt  gingerbread, 
Should  be  with  pap,*  or  else  with  kava  fed.f 
'Tis  strange  that  those  who  manage  court  affairs, 
Should  not  provide  them  clouts  and  cacking  chairs. 

Yes,  this  parade  forms  all  the  courtier's  joys : 
This  royal  baby-house  of  dress'd  up  toys.J 
Lord  Fartlebury  ;   Duke  of  Puddledock  ; 
Prince  Cacafogo  ;   Countess  Dillicock  ; 
Lord  Nincompoop  ;   Sir  George  Golumpus  Grub  ; 
Veldt  Marshal  Hoggsgutz  ;   Lady  Trullibub  ; 
Count  Snickasnee  ;   Lord  Fudge  ;   Prince  Potowouskin  ; 
Baron  Bumfodder ;   Monsieur  Mouschkin  Poushkin  ;§ 
Lord  Blath'rumskate  ;  Earl  Swipes  ;   Count  Doodledoo  ; 
Madame  Caca-du-Dauphin  Baisemoncul  ;|| 
The  Rev'rend  Noodle  Doodle  Dunderhead  ; 
The  Honorable  Simon  S  .  .  .  abed  ; 
And  Co. ;  for  of  them  there's  a  numerous  pack  ; 
But  these  njay  serve  as  samples  of  the  sack. 

Lo  !  grandeur  gives  a  feast :   Oh,  all  ye  gods, 
Who  peep  down  now  and  then  from  your  abodes  ; 

*  "O  folly,  wortliy  of  the  nurse's  lap, 

Give  it' the  breast,  or  cram  its  mouth  with  pap." — Cowper. 

f  Kava  is  a  liquor  in  high  estimation  in  the  South  Sea  Islands,  and 
is  almost  the  exclusive  beverage  of  the  kings  and  rojal  tribes.  It  is 
made  from  the  root  of  the  pepper-tree;  which,  after  being  chewed  by 
the  natives,  and  the  juice  spit  into  a  large  bowl,  is  diluted  with  water." 
— See  Cook's  Voyages. 

\  "  Round  let  us  bound,  for  this  is  Punch's  holiday, 

Glory  to  Tom-foolery — huzza,  huzza!" — Rejected  Addresses. 

It  is  hardly  possible  to  caricature  this  childish  stuff,  or  give  an  outre 
description  of  such  full-grown  babyism.  Swift  speaks  of  a  tiddidol 
assemblage,  where  he  was  introduced.  The  queen  (Brandy  Nan),  he 
says,  stood  in  the  middle  of  the  circle,  simpering  and  biting  the  edge 
of  her  fan  ;  and  looking,  like  an  idiot,  by  turns  at  the  drest-up  dolls, 
who  were  standing  all  round  the  room  like  so  many  images. 

§  The  name  of  the  Russian  ambassador  thirty  or  forty  years  ago. 

[  The  dresses  worn  by  all  the  ladies  of  rank  nnd  fashion  some  years 
ago,  in  that  sink  of  vice  and  folly,  Paris,  were  actually  of  this  delicate 
color,  at  least  as  near  as  the  dyers  could  match  it — out  of  respect  to 
the  royal  excrement. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  75 

Say,  had  ye  ever  up  stairs  in  the  sky, 

Aught  ill  the  guttling  way  with  this  to  vie  ?* 

Tliu'  at  your  sumptuous  banquets  with  your  goddesses, 

Yo  sat  so  cosy,  without  breech  or  boddices  ;t 

When  were  ye  at  your  gormandizings  able 

To  sport  a  river  on  your  dining-table  t 

Where,  all  amongst  the  gold  and  silver  dishes, 

Shoals  could  be  seen  of  gold  and  silver  fishes  ! 

And  all  alive  O  !— not  like  fish-fag's  sprats. 

Fit  only  to  be  given  to  the  cats.  m 

Yes,  all  alive  !  though  childish  it  may  seem, 

And  buna  fide  swimming  in  the  stream  : 

While  noble  lords  and  ladies,  in  amaze, 

Upon  the  river  and  the  fishes  gaze. 

"  What  taste  !"  cries  Lord  Fopdoodle  ;  "  c'est  unique  !" 

*  At  Carlton  House,  some  years  ago. 

f.The  celestials  were  certainly  Yery  deficient  in  this  respect,  as  many 
of  them  were  nearly  in  querpo  at  their  grand  assemblies,  where  the 
Hebes  and  Ganymedes  handed  the  nectar  about.  When  breeches  came 
first  in  use,  is  not  exactly  known.  Moses  was  permitted  to  see  the 
back  parts  of  the  great  I  am;  but  we  are  not  informed  whether  breeched 
or  not.  Adam  is  said  to  have  worn  green  breeches;  but  that  is  meant 
merely  as  a  witticism.  Neither  can  we  suppose  Mister  Noah  wore  in- 
expressibles, as  in  that  case  there  would  have  been  nothing  for  Ills  son 
to  iiave  laughed  at.  The  "man  after  God's  own  heart"  was  evidently 
bare  about  thQ  dock,  when  he  kicked  up  his  heels  and  capered  before 
the  ark;  since  his  wife  ragged  him  for  exposing  his  tackle  to  the 
maidens,  and  for  which  he  said  they  would  honor  him.*  Tliat  proph- 
ets were  also  of  the  san'H  culotte  order  is  notorious;  since  Isaiali,  one 
of  the  most  celebrated,  tramped  about  three  years  with  his  buttocks 
bare:  not  to  mention  many  other  instances  in  the  holy  Jew  book. 
Homer  speaks  of  breeches  where  Dr.  Macshane  attends  the  poor  cuck- 
old wh'o  is  wounded  in  the  posteriors  by  an  arrow:  since  he  tells  us, 
"The  arrow's  head,  and  greasy  leather 
Breeches,  both  came  off  together." — Iliad,  book  4. 
But  whether  the  word  gubmuh,  in  the  original  means  breeches  or  not, 
is  disputed  ;  the  learned  disciples  of  the  profound  doctors,  Parr  and 
Porson,  differing  in  opinion:  some  asserting  the  true  meaning  to  be 
f — ting  crackers;  others  insist i)n  a — e-case  being  the  c^enuine  transla- 
tion ;  while  a  third  class  of  deep  etymologists  are  equally  positive  that 
galligaskins  is  the  true  signification  of  the  Greek  word. 
"Who  shall  decide  when  doctors  disagree?" 
And  thus  must  this  important  matter  be  left. — Ignoramus. 

*  And  of  thr  mfiid-srrvants  which  tl)ou  hast  spoken  of:  of  them  shall  I  be  had  in 
honor. — ^2  Sam.  vi. 


76  THE    YAHOO : 

"  Par  Dieu!"  exclaims  Lord  Froth,  "  c'est  magnifique  !" 

"  C'est  bien  joli !"  sputters  out  another, 

And  one  torn-fool  still  echoes. to  his  brother. 

The  ladies  too,  while  munching  up  their  dinners, 

Ask  if  the  fish  are  pricklebacks,  or  minnows? 

For  those  who  were  not  near  the  riv^er's  brim, 

Could  not  see  how  the  little  fishes  swim,* 

And  frisk,  "  and  vaggle  all  their  pretty  tails  :"t 

Not  to  please  "  baby  Charles,"  but  booby  Wales! 

Oh,  grand  celestials  !   Jupiter  and  Co., 

Say,  had  ye  ever  such  a  raree-show  1 

The  "  Lord's  anointed"  used,  in  times  of  old, 
To  keep  a  fool  to  lauoh  at,  as  we're  told  ; 
But  now  so  many  fools  of  lords  are  made, J 
Tom  isn't  wanted — they  have  spoiled  his  trade. 
Provided  with  so  choice  a  tom-fool  train, 
To  keep  an  extra  fool  would  be  in  vain  ; 
With  titled  fools  'twould  be  mere  waste  of  money — 
Tom-fool  at  court's  like  sugar-sauce  to'honey. 
Yet  Tom's  the  most  diverting;   courtly  fools 
Are  dress'd  up  dolls,  who  speak  and  move  by  rules  ; 
Drill'd,  strutting  things,  who  scorn  all  mirth  and  jokes. 
And  never  sport  a  grin  like  vulgar  folks  : 
Laughter  their  buckram  grandeur  would  destroy^; 
That  way  the  "  mob  express  their  silly  joy."§ 

*  From  the  very  crowded  assetnblasi:e  it  may  be  supposed  many  of 
the  ladies  of  quality  were  too  distant  from  the  margin  of  the  river  to 
peep  in  and  ascertain  the  quality  of  the  water  animals. 

f  "Teazing  made  easy." 

^  ''''Nature  exclaim'd  with  wonder — * Lordfi  are  things, 
'"Which,  never  made  by  me,  were  made  by  kings.' " 

Churchill. 

§  "Loud  laugliter,"  says  Chesterfield,  "is  extremely  inconsistent 
with  good  manners:  it  is  Dnly  the  illiberal  and  noisy  testimony  of  the 
joy  of  the  moh  at  some  very  silly  thing."'  And  to  the  same  tune^ing- 
eth  Lord  Froth:  "There  is  nothing,"  says  this  noble  lord,  "more  un- 
becoming a  man  of  quality  than  to  iaugh :  it  is  such  a  vulgar  expres- 
sion of  the  passion  !     Everybody  can  laugh." — See  the  Double  Dealer. 

Even  Bob,  the  doctor,  since  his  apostaey,  has  affected  the  conse- 
quence of  these  high-born   prigs,  and  joined  the  smirking  coxcomb 


A    SATIRICAL     RHArSODY.  77 

Grand  fools  are  stuft''d  with  "' manieres  and  graces," 
Which  surely  make  amends  for  vacant  faces. 

Of  all  the  stupid  follies  brought  from  France, 
The  most  disgusting  is  the  '*  minuet"  dance. 
The  poor  automaton,  with  silly  face, 
Sprawls  round  its  arms  and  legs,  and  calls  it  grace  ! 
Now  here,  now  there,  affectedly  it  swings, 
And  seems  a  toyman's  doll,  on  wheels  and  springs. 
A  glorious  feat  to  swell  the  Yahoo's  pride. 
By  which  he's  so  completely  monkeyiied  !* 

Oh,  Chesterfield,  thou  most  illustrious  scribe  ! 
First  fiddle  of  the  a-la-pyppy  tribe  ! 
The  world  must  surely  deem  it  a  disaster. 
That  thou  wert  not  brought  up  a  dancing-master  ; 
The  prince  of  capering  coxcombs,  great  Marcel, f 
Could  not  have  taught  the  "  graces"  half  so  well ; 
Altho',  like  thee,  he  studied  hienseance, 
And  was  a  true-bred  Fribble,  born  in  France. 
How  hast  thou  wrote,  and  wrote  again,  about  it, 
Tho'  a  respected  Hottentot  did  flout  it. J 
With  trash  like  this  didst  thou  take  wondrous  pains, 
To  cram  thy  son's  skull  with,  instead  of  brains. 
\\oN  didst  thou  scribble  letter  after  letter. 
But  never  found  poor  Phii§  a  jot  the  better : 
For — oh,  ye  gods,  'tis  shocking  to  relate, 
When  at  a  dinner-party,  in  grand  state. 
He  ate  his  cherry  pie,  then  licked  his  plate  !|| 

tribe  in  their  contempt  of  every  thing  vulgar.  "Laughter,"  he  ex- 
claims, "  is  a  plebeian  emotion  ;  nothing  beyond  a  silent  and  transitory 
simper  should  be  indulged  in  by  the  refined  ranks!" — Omniana.  One 
should  suppose  the  laureat  was  ironing  us,  as  Mrs.  Slipslop  terms  it. 

*  Alfieri  said  he  never  could  be  taught  by  a  French  dancing-master, 
whose  art  once  made  him.  shudder  and  laugh.  "If  we  reflect,"  says 
Mr.  DTsraeli,  "that,  as  it  is  now  practised,  it  seems  the  art  of  giving 
affectation  to  a  puppet,  and  that  this  puppet  is  a  man,  we  can  enter 
into  this  mixed  sensation  of  degradation  and  ridicule." 

f  A  celel)rated  dancing-master  at  Paris. 

X  Lord  Chesterfield's  appellation  of  the  great  moralist. 

§  Philip  Stanhope. 

I  Said  to  be  a  fact. 

7* 


78  THE    YAHOO : 

Such  are  "  God's  images"  among  the  great ; 
The  "  lords  of  reason,"  puff'd  with  wealth  and  state. 
But  take  your  specimens  from  Mutton-lane, 
Or  Rotien-row,*  and  then  be  proud  and  vain. 
Senrch  Billingsgate,  Saint  Giles's,  and  Rag  Fair, 
AjkI  say  what  angel-forms  you  meet  with  there  ; 
View  them  in  dens  where  poverty  prevails, 
Or  perishing  m  hospitals  and  jails  ; 
See  the  poor  cinder-sifter's  filthy  rags, 
And  chimney-sweepers,  with  their  sooty  bags  ; 
A  prey  to  squalid  want,  disease,  and  vermin, 
(And  thousands  there  are  such  for  one  in  ermine). 
Do  these  poor  wretches,  who  eat  husks  like  swine, 
Display  the  boasted  "human  face  divine  ?"t 
Are  "  godlike  heroes"  found  in  their  abodes  ? 
O  no  !   'tis  wealth  makes  Yahoos  demi-gods  ; 
Of  godlike  qualities  the  poet  sings, 
But  then  they  appertain  to  lords  and  kings. 
Oh,  what  a  blest,  soul-gifted,  sky-born  race, 
Sweeps  in  "  God's  image,"  and  in  Mudlark's  grace  ! 
In  scavengers  you  *' lords  of  reason"  meet; 
Vociferating  "  dust-ho"  through  the  street ! 
"  Creation's  lords"  divinely  play  their  part, 
And  lift  the  frag^rant  bucket  to  the  cart ; 
In  spite  of  filth,  immortal  souls  you  trace. 
Which  glitter  through  the  dirty  shirt  and  face  ; 

And  though  they  stink,  and  have  Tom dmen's  looks, 

They'll  in  the  next  world  all  be  lords  and  dukes.J 

Inflated  Yahoo  !  boast  your  blessed  state, 
Millions  in  rags  and  dirt — a  few  styled  great  ;^ 

*  Dens  of  misery  in  the  vicinity  of  Clerkenvvell,  which,  with  Chiek- 
Inne  and  Black-boy  Alley,  will  be  in  all  probability  swept  away  by 
(he  proposed  new  street  from  Fleet  Market  to  Islington. 

•)•  Paradise  Lost. 

X  "  Blessed  are  the  poor  in  spirit,  for  theirs  is  the  kingdom  of  heav- 
en."— Matt.  V.  3. 

§  Lord  Byron  has  observed,  that  the  world  (speaking  of  Enjojland) 
seems  only  made  for  a  few  thousands  called  quality^  or  rank  and  fash- 
ioTif  as  the  West-enders  are  denominated. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  79 

But  Still  they've  so  much  feeling  for  each  other, 
My  Lord  Duke  owns  the  Sweep  his  Christian-hroihev : 
And  though  the  poor  are  fed  with  fee-faw-fum, 
They'll  get  a  greasy  chin  in  *'  kingdom-come." 

Who  would  not  give  five  pounds  to  treat  a  lord  ? 
Though  for  a  single  peach,  'tis  not  absurd  : 
But  give  five  shillings  to  the  poor  for  bread, 
Oh  !  that's  disgraceful — up  stairs  theyHl  be  fed, 
And  here  perhaps  it  may  not  be  amiss, 
To  add  a  fable  in  parenthesis  ; 
A  proverb  even,  if  it  comes  in  pat, 
As  Sancho  tells  the  Don,  is  verbum  sat. 

A  fox  once  met  an  ape,  as  ^sop  says. 
And  chatter'd  as  they  used  in  former  days  ; 
When,  after  compliments,  the  ape  thus  cried — 
"  I  wish,  kind  sir,  you'd  peep  at  my  backside  : 
You'll  own  I've  little  reason  to  be  glad, 
-Considering  my  rump's  so  poorly  clad. 
I  haven't  got  a  tail  that's  worth  a  rush, 
While  you've  a  superfluity  of  brush  ; 
And  could  you  but  a  little  morsel  spare. 
To  cover  my  poor  buttocks,  now  so  barC; 
I  certainly  should  take  it  very  kind. 
As  then  I  should  be  comme  il  faut  behind." 
"  God  zounds  !"  quoth  Reynard,  flying  in  a  passion, 
*'  An  ape,  forsooth !   and  would  be  dressed  fox-fashion ! 
A  very  pretty  joke  for  plebs  like  thee 
To  dizen  out,  and  think  to  rival  me ! 
No,  no,  my  brush  may  trail  along  the  ground, 
But  not  an  atom  of  it  shall  be  found 
To  decorate  the  rifl'-rafF,  my  inferiors  ; 
Much  more  to  hide  a  stinking  ape's  posteriors." 

This  fable  to  the  Yahoo  may  apply, 
As  any  one  will  see  with  half  an  eye  ; 
"  Id  est,"  if  he  has  "  quantum  suff."  of  brain  : 
And  now  we'll  to  our  moutons*  turn  again. 

*  Rabelais. 


80  THE    YAHOO ! 

Folly  and  vice  by  turns  the  Yahoo  rule, 
Sometimes  the  knave  prevails,  sometimes  the  fool. 
Actions  that  often  are  considered  good, 
Base  would  be  found,  the  motives  understood  :* 
His  life's  a  counterfeit,  a  masquerade,! 
And  cant  and  rank  hypocrisy  a  trade. 
With  artificial  phiz  he  acts  a  part, 
And  all  through  life  his  tongue  belies  his  heart  :J 
*'  Volto  sciolto,"  says  my  lord  to  Phil,§ 
"  Ma  pensieri  stretti,"  mind  that  still. 
His  character  completely  would  you  know, 
Read  Swift,  and  Mandeville,  and  Rochefoucault.|| 
Observe  yon  black-dress'd  Yahoos,  what  grimace  ! 
Mirth  in  the  heart,  and  sorrow  in  the  face 
What  signs  of  woe,  crape  hat-bands,  solemn  walk. 
Exteriors  dismal — hearts  as  light  as  cork.^I 

*  "All  the  virtues  that  have  ever  been  in  mankind,"  says  Swift, 
*may  be  counted  upon  a  few  fingers;  but  their  follies  and  vices  are 
innumerable,  and  time  adds  hourly  to  the  heap."  And  what  says  bro- 
tlier  parson  of  the  present  day?  "The  world  and  almost  everything 
in  it  are  capable  of  being  abused  by  7}ian,  whose  corrupt  propensities 
are  continually  leading  him  to  poison  the  sources  of  his  own  happi- 
ness."— Swnner. 

\  "Our  life  is  a  false  nature — 'tis  not  in 
The  harmony  of  things." — Byron. 
\  Nous  aurions  souvent  honte  de  nos  plus  belles  actions,  si  le  nionde 
voyait  tons  les  motifs  qui  les  produisent." — RochefoucalL 

§  See  "  Lord  Chesterfield's  Letters  to  his  Son,"  to  qualify  him  for 
the  heau-monde. 

II  The  proceedings  of  the  good,  honest  church-going  Yahoos  toward 
each  other,  are  truly  described  by  Mandeville  in  the  story  of  the  two 
sugar  merchants,  letter  B  in  the  Fable  of  the  Bees,  verifying  the  Italian 
proverb, 

"Con  Arte  ed  Inganni  si  vive  il  mezzo  anni ; 
Con  Inganni  e  con  Arte  si  vive  I'alfcre  parti." 
"What  think  you,"  says  Horace  Walpole,  "of  the  cruelty  and  vil- 
lany  of  European  settlers;  but  this  very  morning  I  found  that  part 
of  the  purchase j)f  Maryland  from  the  savage  proprietors  (for  we  do 
not  massacre,  loe  are  such  good  Christians  as  only  to  cheat),  was  a 
quantity  of  red  lead  and  a  parcel  of  jews'-harps." — Walpole's  Corre- 
f>pondence. 

"Ovunque  il  guardo  osservato  tu  giri, 
Scorticatori  e  scorticati  miri: 
Gl'im belli  il  forte,  ed  i  babbei  lo  scaltro, 
E  insomnia  ognun  che  puo,  scortica  Taltro." — CastL 
^  "Heredis  fletus  sub  persona  risus  est." 


A    SATIRICAL     RHAPSODY.  81 

A  gouty  friend  (oh,  what  delightful  hick), 
Has  left  the  world,  and  left  him  all  his  muck. 
Heart-broken  they  jnust  seem,  and  in  a  tone 
Of  whining,  tell  you  of  their  dear  friend  gone. 
In  sables  then  they're  deck'd  from  top  to  toe. 
That  every  one  their  great  distress  may  know : 
And  while  in  canting  strain  they  seem  to  grieve, 
(What  mockery)  they're  laughing  in  their  sleeve.* 

But  the  grand  farce  is  when  a  monarch  dies — 
A  butch'ring  Harry,  or  a  George  the  wis^  ; 
A  royal  Tiger,  or  a  royal  Neddy ; 
No  matter  which,  the  scutcheons  are  got  ready ; 
The  carcass  lays  in  state,  with  mutes  and  lights  ; 
For  loyal  subjects  love  such  pretty  sights. 
Crushing  each  other's  ribs  in  crowds  they  go, 
Though  full  of  grief  they  long  to  see  the  show. 
And  when  the  royal  carrion's  in  the  tomb, 
The  undertaker's  garb  they  all  assume  ; 
The  grov'ling  crew  throughout  the  royal  nation, 
Show  outward  signs  of  inward  lamentation. 
At  church,  at  play-house,  and  at  public  shows. 
The  "lords  of  renson"  all  as  black  as  crows, 
IjOok  as  if  Nick  had  shook  his  soot-bag  o'er  'em. 
To  make  them  like  himself — -for  hlack^s  decorum. 
Hence  Latitats  and  Parsons  when  they  clack, 
Out  of  respect  to  Nick,  are  dress'd  in  black  ; 
For  though  these  long-robed  gentry  all  pretend 
To  hate  Old  Blackey,  he's  their  dearest  friend. 
(Were  Yahoos  free  from  vice  they  would  not  want 
The  lawyer's  jargon,  or  the  parson's  cani).t 

*  "In  all  civil  societies  men  are  taught  insensibly  to  be  hypocrites 
from  their  cradle.  Kobody  dares  to  own  that  he  sjets  by  public  calam- 
ities, or  even  by  the  loss  of  private  persons.  The  sexton  would  be 
stoned  should  he  wish  openly  for  the  death  of  the  parishioners,  thouirh 
everybody  know  he  had  notliinf;;  else  to  live  upon." — Search  into  So- 
ciety, 402.  May  not  the  same  be  said  of  doctors  and  physicinns,  wlio 
profess  to  be  very  glad  when  t-hey  meet  their  friends  and  acquaintance 
in  good  health  ? 

f  "Why  were  laws  made,  but  that  we  are  rogues  by  nature."— 
Shakspere. 

After  all  the  blarney  of  the  immortal  bard  about  the  Yahoo's  perfee- 


■■I 


62  THE    YAHOO : 

'Tis  true,  they  call  him  dragon,  serpent,  shark ; 
But  then  they  shake  hands  with  him  in  the  dark. 

Now  Old  Nick's  block  in  grain,  a  knowing  prig, 
Who  hides  his  horns  and  tail  with  gown  and  wig;* 
And  meeting  with  young  Chipf  (the  Lamb)  one  day, 
He  whipt  him  on  his  back,  and  flew  away: 
Then  in  a  wilderness  for  forty  days,J 
He  tried  to  diddle  him  in  various  ways  ; 
With  promised  kingdoms,  if  he  would  adore  him, 
And  boo  respectfully,  and  fall  before  him  ; 
But  Chippy,  though  a  Lamb,  was  not  a  flat. 
For  through  the  gown  and  wig  he  smelt  a  rat, 
So  neither  made  a  leg,  nor  dofF'd  his  hat ; 
But  cried,  "  I  smell  your  brimstone.  Master  Nick  ; 
You're  after  playing  me  some  shabby  trick: 
Don't  think  with  your  palaver  you  can  blind  me. 
But  hold  your  jaw,  my  cock,  and  get  behind  me."^ 

Ben  Johnson  says,  that  Beelzebub  an  ass  is,l| 
Though  for  a  conjurer  with  fools  he  passes  ; 
And  sure  he  proved  himself  a  Johnny  Raw, 
To  let  young  Chippy  thus  slip  through  his  paw  : 

tions,  who  would  have  thought  he  would  have  let  the  cat  out  of  the 
bag,  and  like  the  Satyr  in  the  fable,  "  blow  hot  and  cold  with  the  same 
mouth." 

*  "To  hinder  him  from  being  known, 

He  borrowed  parson  Squintum's  gown; 
These  kind  of  robes,  his  godship  knew, 
Hide  rogues  the  best,  and  roguery  too." 

Homer  Burlesqued. 

\  The  carpenter's  son. 

X  "Then  was  Jesus  led  up  of  the  Spirit  into  the  wilderness  to  be 
tempted  of  the  devil;  and  when  he  had  fasted  forty  days  and  forty 
nights,  he  was  afterward  an  hungered.  Again  the  devil  taketh  him 
up  into  an  exceeding  high  mountain,  and  showeth  him  all  the  king- 
doms of  the  world  and  the  glory  of  them:  and  saith  unto  him,  All 
these  things  will  I  give  thee,  if  thou  wilt  fall  down  and  worship  me." 
—Matt.  iv. 

§  "  And  Jesus  answered  and  said  unto  him,  Get  thee  behind  me, 
Satan." — Luke  iv. 

I  Comedy  of  "  The  Devil's  an  Ass." 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  83 

And  after,  when,  as  Christian  creeds  all  tell, 

He  had  him  three  days  in  his  claws  in  hell ; 

Yet,  like  a  blockhead,  let  him  scamper  out. 

When  he  a  treaty  might  have  made  no  doubt. 

With  such  a  first-rate  prisoner  in  limbo, 

He  mijiht  have  strutted  with  his  arms  a-kimbo  : 

Not  only  haggled  for  his  liberation, 

But  have  released  his  staff  for  their  damnation ! 

Yet  who  can  judge  for  this  proud  cock?  they  say, 
That  every  one  has  some  odd  whim  or  way. 
*'  De  gustibus  non  disputandum  est," 

He  might  think  his  warm  corner  much  the  best ; 

Where  he  could  smoke  his  pipe,  and  swill  his  toddy, 

Nor  longer  care  a  fig  for  any  body. 

He  had  had  trumpeting  enough  before, 

Blasting  and  pufling  till  his  throat  was  sore  ; 

And  now  preferr'd,  bored  with  their  "  holy,  holy," 

The  Bumble-puppy  game,  and  Rolly-poUy. 

But  this  is  ail  digressive — we'll  go  back 

To  where  we  talk'd  of  Yahoos  wearing  black. 

Young  Chip  it  seems  smelt  Nick,  and  didn't  mind  him, 

But  snubb'd  him  well,  and  bid  him  get  behind  him. 

While  to  commemorate  this  dire  event. 

Christians  wear  charcoal-colored  clothes  in  Lent: 

Nor  dare  they  then  taste  any  luscious  dish. 

But  snuflle  grace  o'er  parsnips  and  salt  fish  ; 

While  on  Black  Friday,  by  saints  nick-nam'd  Good, 

Buns,  gallows-marked,  are  deemed  soul-saving  food  :* 

Till  penance  over,  Easter  brings  delight. 

And  then  they  gorge  and  guzzle  day  and  night. 

Thus  six  months  past  (the  grieving  time  requir'd 
For  kings),  the  Yahoos  of  their  black  get  tir'd  ; 
The  mockery  no  longer  is  display'd — 
They  then  find  out  that  "  it  makes  bad  for  trade," 

♦  Notwithstanding  the  spread,  and  the  stream,  and  march  of  intellect, 
nn(1  tlio  so  much  boasted  enlightened  age,  there  is  scarcely  a  family  in 
Knglund  in  which  this  superstitious  and  degrading  mummery  is  omit- 
ted on  what  is  called  Good  Friday,  when  the  streets  resound  with  the 
cries  of  Hot  Cross  Buns  !    But  hogs  delight  in  garbage. 


84  THE    YAHOO  : 

Besides,  although  he  was  the  "  best  of  kings," 

They're  not  to  fret  their  guts  to  fiddle-strings. 

So  grief  adieu — a  royal  chamberlain 

Says,  "  Neddy's  put  your  gaudy's  on  again." 

Th'  obsequious  herd,  impatient  of  delay. 

Resume  their  fripp'ry,  and  as  larks  are  gay, 

Proud  to  show  off  in  this  lickspittle  farce. 

And  mourn  a  Nero,  or  a  royal  ass. 

In  black,  or  colors,  still  they're  strutting  seen, 

Puff'd  with  conceit,  and  proud  of  being  mean. 

For,  though  it  seems  a  paradox,  'tis  true. 

The  self-same  Yahoo's  mean  and  haughty  too  ; 

With  vices  opposite,  he's  doubly  curst, 

"  Meanness  that  soars,  and  pride  that  licks  the  dust." 

Obser.ve  that  buckram'd,  whisker-jawed,  queer  thing, 
He's  called  a  "  lord  in  waiting"  to  the  king ; 
And  when  his  majesty's  dispos'd  to  stir. 
This  thing  sticks  to  his  crupper  like  a  bur : 
Whether  the  monarch  marches  fast  or  slow, 
Just  the  same  pace  this  lackey-lord  must  go  ; 
And  at  the  play-house,  when  the  king  goes  there, 
Skip-kennel  stands  upright  behind  his  chair  : 
Scarce  daring,  while  he  stands  in  stifi-rump'd  state, 
To  turn  from  side  to  side  his  empty  pate  : 
Abject,  yet  proud,  a  mixty-maxty  thing ; 
But  very  fit  to  wait  upon  a  king. 
Among  the  court-gang  crawling  like  a  toad^ 
A  three-tailed  bashaw  in  his  own  abode  : 
An  abject  reptile  in  the  drawing-room  ; 
At  home  the  tyrant's  manner  he'll  assume  : 
A  very  Bobadil,  a  Bully-back  ; 
But  when  at  court,  he  sails  on  t'other  tack : 
Booing  and  cringing,  none  so  mild  and  meek, 
Not  brother  Bruin  then,  but  Jerry  Sneak. 

God  made  man  in  his  fmage,  parsons  teach. 
When  Old  Nick  came  next  day  and  kick'd  his  breech ; 
And,  being  "  maitre  Charlatan,"  alas  ! 
Soon  got  Go(Vs  image  bundled  out  to  grass. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  85 

For  he  was  in  a  garden  placed  at  first, 

Till  by  the  snake's  contrivance  he  was  curs'd. 

(The  quomodo  has  been  before  related, 

Where  madame  Eve  was  found  to  be  soft-pated). 

And  claiming  still  the  Yahoo  as  his  prize, 

This  devil-snake  we  now  apostrophize. 

O,  thou  infernal  omnipresent  dragon  !* 
A  mighty  feat  it  is  for  thee  to  brag  on. 
To  gull  a  naked  nincompoopish  couple, 
By^oaxing  them  to  eat  a  bit  of  apple. 
Thou  sooty,  smutty,  worst  of  bugaboos. 
Who's  at  the  Yahoo's  heels  where'er  he  goes  ; 
Whether  call'd  Old  One,  Nick,  or  Scratch,  or  Devil, 
'Tis  thou  that  dost  incline  his  heart  to  evil. 
Not  only  hast  thou  dosed  him  well  with  pride. 
But  most  of  thy  good  qualities  beside. 
Had  it  not  been  for  thee,  thou  ugly  toad, 
This  world  of  ours  had  been  a  snug  abode  ; 
But  since  thou  trottest  night  and  day  about. 
In  ev'ry  corner  poking  thy  damn'd  snout, 
The  Yahoo's  never  safe,  but  ev'ry  minute 
Finds  something  wrong,  and  cries  "the  devil's  in  it." 
The  Lord,  we're  told,  once  cramm'd  thee  in  thy  den. 
Then,  who  the  devil  let  thee  out  aorain  ?t 
But  'tis  no  use  for  us  to  growl  and  grumble. 
If  fated,  in  thy  clutches  we  must  tumble. 
Does  not  the  saint  of  saints,  the  frenzied  Paul,J 

*  Would  not  tlie  omnipresence  of  the  black  monarch,  since  he  is 
universally  acknowledged  as  a  Ubiqiiitarian,  be  an  excellent  subject 
for  the  pen  of  an  evangelical  fustian  scribbler? 

f  "To  credit  such  idle  whims,"  says  the  Indian,  "is  an  affront  to  the 
great  Spirit,  as  it  charges  him  with  authorizing  mischief,  by  being  the 
direct  author  of  all  the  disorders  and  wickednesses  in  the  world,  by 
suffering  the  evil  spirit  to  get  out  of  hell." — Lahonton's  Voyage. 

\  "Plow  little  did  those  people  think,  who  saw 
The  first  appearance  of  this  crooked  lout; 
WIio  saw  this  same  disturber  of  the  law, 

When  first  from  town  to  town  he  rovM  about. 
8 


86  THE    YAHOO : 

Insinuate  that  \. .  're  predestinated  all  * 

From  birth,  the  chosen  few  aloft  to  go, 

The  many  soiis'd  into  the  pit  below  ?t 

The  sheep  elected,  all  cram'd  up  to  heaven  ; 

The  goats  rejected,  down  to  hell  are  driv'n.J 

But  let  us  leave  this  jargon  to  the  schools  : 

To  rev'rend  prigs  who  dub  each  other  fools. 

They'll  solve  such  mysteries  beyond  a  doubt, 

And  where  there  is  no  meaning,  find  one  out; 

Prove  that  it's  dark  at  noon,  and  light  at  night. 

And  tho'  all's  wrong,  "  whatever  is,  is  right."  ^ 

Prate  about  "  trees  of  life,"  and  "  trees  of  knowledge," 

(Else  wherefore  go  such  loggerheads  to  college),^ 

What  Paul  saw  when  he  up  to  heaven  was  skipping; 

And  why  he  mags  so  much  on  doodle-smpping.\\ 

Ah,  little  did  they  tliink  how  deep  the  root, 

How  far  'twas  dooni'd  to  spread,  how  curs'd  the  fruit. 

*  *  *  *  *  * 

"Yet  so  it  is;  a  Paul  has  liv'd  and  died; 
A  curs'd  religion  has  sprung  up  and  rent 
The  world  with  factions — men  have  fought  and  pray'd 

As  with  one  breath:  their  energies  they've  spent 
In  brutalizing  wars,  where  hellish  strife 
Could  prompt  each  man  to  seek  a  brother's  life.'* 

Prize  Poem  on  the  Xife  and  Character  of  St.  Paul. 
*  Moreover,  whom  he  did  predestinate, — them  he  also  called. — Ro- 
mans viii. 

Therefore  hath  he  mercy  on  whom  he  will  have  mercy;  and  whom 
he  will,  he  hardeneth. — Romans  ix. 

Israel  hath  not  obtained  that  which  he  seeketh  for,  but  the  election 
hath  obtained  it.  God  hath  given  them  the  spirit  of  slumber,  eyes 
that  they  should  not  see,  and  ears  that  they  should  not  hear,  unto  this 
day. — Romans  xi. 

f  Straight  is  the  gate,  and  narrow  is  the  way  that  leadetli  unto  life, 
and  few  there  be  that  find  it. 

:j:  And  he  shall  set  the  sheep  on  his  right  hand,  but  the  goats  on  the 
left.  Then  shall  he  say  unto  them  on  his  left  hand.  Depart  from  me 
ye  cursed  into  everlasting  fire,  prepared  for  the  devil  and  his  angels. 
— Matt.  XXV. 

§  "Else  wherefore  breathe  I  in  a  Christian  land?" — Richard  III. 

II  A  great  part  of  the  frothy  epistles ;  or,  as  Cardinal  Bembo  very 

properly  called  them,  Epistolaccise  of  this  holy  maniac,  are  filled  with 

disgusting  balderdash  respecting  the  profitableness  of    circumcision; 

which,  indeed,  as  the  godly  cock  was  a  bit  of  a  snipper  himself,  having 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  -  87 

Of  Old  Nick's  somerset,  and  sin  original 

(The  leading  trumps  with  which   the  parsons  pigeon  all) : 

How  to  "  cast  off  the  old  man,"  they'll  explain  ; 

And  s(dve  the  slang  of  "  being  born  again" — 

Of  faith,  foreknowledge,  grace,  and  free-will  bawl, 

Till  it's  as  clear  as  mustard  to  us  all. 

Whether  the  Yahoo's  fMly,  or  his  pride, 
Most  governs,  'tis  not  easy  to  decide  ; 
But  in  the  high-born  race,  'tis  plainly  shown, 
Excess  of  pride*  stamps  them  the  devil's  own  ; 
Pride  governs  these  through  life,  and  strange  to  tell, 
Outweighs  the  terrors  both  of  death  and  hell ! 

Two  7}oh1e  lords,  sworn  friends,  sit  down  to  play, 
(Both  good  church-going  Christians  in  their  way). 
But  if,  as  oft  it  happens,  words  arise. 
And  one  affirms  what  t'other  lord  denies  ; 
Then  anger's  kindled,  hateful  passion  grows. 
And  Christian  friends  are  chang'd  to  bitter  foes. 
Urged  by  false  honor,  let  who  will  be  right. 
The  challeng'd  has  no  option  but  to  fight  ;J 

operated  upon  poor  Tim,  by  depriving  him  of  his  foreskin  (Acts  xvi.), 
is  not  so  much  to  be  wondered  at.  But  why  did  not  the  saint  explain 
this  holy  business  to  his  beloved  sisters  in  the  Lord,  Priscilla,  Mary, 
and  the  rest  of  the  chosen  vessels,  whom  he  desires  may  be  saluted 
with  a  holy  kiss. — Romans  xvi. 

*  "There  is  no  danger  so  great,  but  by  the  help  of  his  pride  a  man 
may  slight  and  confront  it;  nor  any  manner  of  death  so  terrible,  but 
with  the  same  assistance  he  may  court,  and  if  he  has  a  firm  constitu- 
tion undergo,  it  with  alacrity." — Fable  of  the  Bees. 

"La  plus  calamiteuse  et  fragile  de  toutes  les  creatures,"  says  Mon- 
taign,  "c'est  I'homme,  et  quant  la  plus  orgueilleuse. — II  me  semble  a 
la  verity,  que  Nature,  pour  la  consolation  de  notre  estat  des  miserable 
et  ciietif,  ne  nous  ait  donne  en  partage  que  la  presumption." — Essais^ 
liv.  2,  chap.  12. 

f  "How  comes  it  that  a  man  of  honor  should  so  readily  accept  of  a 
challenge,  when  in  the  prime  of  life  and  in  perfect  health?  It  is  his 
pridejhat  conquers  his  fear:  for  when  his  priJe  is  not  concerned,  this 
fear  will  appear  niost  glaringly.  If  he  is  not  used  td  the  sea,  let  him 
but  be  in  a  storm;  or,  if^he  never  was  ill  before,  have  hut  a  slight 
fever,  and  he'll  show  a  thousand  anxieties,  and  in  them  the  inestimable 
value  he  sets  on  life." — Search  into  Society,  383. 

"  Un  hpmme  religieux  n'est-il  pas  bien  sur  de  sa  damnation  eter- 


88  THE    YAHOO : 

And  some  so  skilfully  the  weapons  handle, 

At  twenty  paces  they  can  snufl' a  candle. 

So  trained  to  murder  in  a  genteel  way, 

You  may  have  satisfaction  any  day  ; 

Giving  the  injured  party  who  complains, 

Redress,  by  coolly  blowing  out  his  brains. 

Now  where's  their  Christian  love?  does  worldly  pride 

Set  holy  gospel  precepts  all  aside  ? 

While  thus  to  blind  revenge,  and  murder  giv'n, 

Are  they  e'er  checked  by  thoughts  of  hell  or  heaven  ? 

Po  these  "  Corinthians"  in  such  afiairs, 

Before  they  shoot  each  other,  say  their  pray'rs  ? 

Oh,  no !  they  laugh  at  all  the  parson's  stuff — 

They're  high-horn  Yahoos,  and  quite  "  up  to  snuff."* 

Yes,  vice  and  folly  tinge  the  heart  and  brain, 
And  leave  behind  an  everlasting  stain. 
Adam,  we're  told,  sought  wisdom,  and  was  blam'd  ;t 
He  ate  the  apple,  and  his  race  was  damn'd  \\ 
If  he  was  not  permitted  to  be  wise, 
Surely  his' offspring  wisdom  may  despise. 

iielle  s'il  est  tue  en  duel?     Et  cependant  I'lionneur  I'importe,  et  il  se 
bat!" — 31.  de  Rivarol. 

*  As  such  high-born  prigs  are  always  (as  well  as  the  low-born)  well 
stnfFed  with  gospel  mammon  at  their  schools  and  colleges,  how  comes 
it  they  can  so  easily  shake  it  all  off,  and  send  one  another  to  hell 
so  deliberately?  They  should  at  least  take  a  parson  with  them  upon 
such  occasions,  to  intercede  with  the  Lamb  in  behalf  of  their  precious 
souls,  which  are  thus  precipitated  into  the  fiery  lake  in  scecula  scecu- 
lorum. 

f  "Lesoing  de  s'augumenter  en  sagesse  et  en  science,  ce  fut  la  prem- 
iijre  mine  du  genre  humain  :  c'est  la  voje  par  ou  il  s'est  precipite  a  la 
damnation  eternelle." — Montaigne. 

\  Of  all  the  absurdities  that  ever  were  foisted  upon  the  imagination 
of  a  Yahoo,  this  apple  story  is  the  most  completely  ridiculous?  Adam 
should  undoubtedly  have  been  taught  to  seek  knowledge,  nor  shun  it, 
that  thereby  he  might  have  avoided  evil.  If  his  instructor  had  been 
an  evil  genius,  the  interdiction  would  have  been  in  character,  as  io:no- 
rance  is  the  parent  of  crime  and  misery,  "i^nand  on  fait  reflection," 
says  Yoltaire,  "que  presque  toute  la  terre  a  ete  infatuee  de  pariels 
contes,  et  qu'ils  ont  fait  I'education  du  genre  humain,  on  trouve  lee 
fahles  de  Pilpay  et  d'Esope  bien  rasonnables." 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  89 

We  ought,  'tis  plain,  from  such  good  scripture  rules. 
To  bring  up  all  our  children  arrant  fools. "* 
And  this  has  been  the  case  since  Adam's  time  ; 
To  doubt,  or  speak  the  truth,  is  deem'd  a  crime. 
'Tis  true,  we've  scores  of  metaphysic  fools, 
From  Brazen-nose  and  Corpus-Christi  schools  :t 
All  filled  with  learned  ignorance  and  pride,J 
A.  B.'s,  L.  D.'s,  and  Lord  knows  what  beside  ; 
Who  wi4h  big  wigs  their  owlish  phizzes  cook  so, 
That  if  they  are  not  wise,  they  try  to  look  so.^ 
They  jabber  Sibouifait/t,  by  which  is  meant 
That  you  should  give  them  credit  for  their  cant; 
For  faith's  not  worth  a  fig  which  can't  dispense, 
With  things  that  give  the  lie  to  common  sense. 
'Tis  against  reason,  is  it?  that's  enough  ; 
A  parson's  creed  demands  no  better  proof. 
Faith's  the  grand  nostrum  for  the  parson's  jobs,' 
And  moves  all  "  stumbling-blocks"  from  Yahoos'  nobs. 
Well  stufT'd  with  faith,  and  larded  with  devotion 
You  in  a  walnut-shell  may  cross  the  ocean  : 
If  ye  doubt  not,  cry  geehup  when  you  will. 
And  Highgate  hops  to  Harrow  on  the  Hill.|| 

*  "For  in  mucli  wisdom  is  much  grief;  and  lie  that  increaseth 
knowledge  increaseth  sorrow." — Eccles.  i.  18. 

\  Brazen-faced  would  have  been  a  more  siiitalde  appellation.  What 
names  for  colleges  of  instruction  I  Body  of  Christ!  This  wretelied 
kind  of  superstitious  mummery  is  carried  to  such  an  extent  in  the 
Cathohc  countries,  tliat  their  inns  and  fia:hting  ships  are  sanctified 
with  the  precious  epitliets  of  "Blood  of  Christ,"  "Holy  Ghost,"  and 
"Savior  of  the  World,"  tfec. 

\  "It  may  sound  oddly,"  says  Lord  Bolingbroke,  "but  it  is  true  in 
many  cases  to  say,  that  if  men  had  learned  less  their  way  to  knowl- 
edge would  be  shorter  and  easier.  There  is  no  cure  for  one  who  is 
taught  to  be  a  blockhead  ;  his  ignorance  is  the  fruit  of  instruction  ;  he 
lias  clogged  his  mind  with  learned  darkness,  and  verifies  the  |>rovei*b, 
that  merus  acholaticus  est  merus  asimis. — See  Independent  Whig,  vol.  i. 
pp.  2  and  258. 

§  "Thus  pedants  will  hanc^  out  a  solemn  face, 

To  put  off  nonsense  with  a  better  grace." — Young. 

I  "Jesus  said.  If  ye  have  faith  and  doubt  not,  ye  shall  say  unto  this 
mountain,  Be  thou  lemoved,  and  be  thou  cast  into  the  sea,  and  it  shall 
be  done." — See  Questions,  viii.  119. — Mark  xi. 

8* 


90  THE   yahoo: 

The  little  hills  by  Faith  will  skip  like  lambs, 

And  all  the  mountains  dance  like  rams  ;* 

'J'o  those  with  Faith  all  contradiction  bends, f 

A  walking-stick  may  be  without  two  ends. 

Charcoal  milk-white,  and  snow  as  black  as  jet; 

A  brewer's  horse  may  in  a  bottle  get; 

A  man  may  jump  down  his  own  throat,  and  then 

(If  it  so  please  the  Lord)  jump  up  again. 

Faith  at  impossibilities  ne'er  wrangles. 

But  sees  distinctly  round  and  square  triangles  ! 

Faith's  the  fa  tutto,  priestcraft's  corner-stone  ; 

'J'ake  that  away,  and  presto  !   all  is  gone. 

Call  it  credulity,  the  tribe  roar  out, 

All  in  full  chorus,  *•  They  are  damn'd  who  doubt." 

Th,at  doubt  is  nothing  but  the  devil's  snare, 

And  skeptics  all  in  hell,  with  old  Voltaire  ; 

*  *' Wliy  hop  ye  so,  ye  hi2:h  liills?" — Psalm  Ixviii.  "The  mountains 
skipped  like  rams,  and  the  little  hills  like  lambs." — Psalm  Ixviii.  This 
silly  bombast  is  called  sublime;  so  that  there  does  not  seem  a  straw 
to  choose  between  nonsense  and  sublimity.  Homer  abounds  in  trash 
of  this  sort  (one  of  the  reasons  why  he  is  so  much  admired);  where 
not  only  horses  are  weeping  and  discoursing,  but  even  rivers  get  up 
and  come  to  the  "scratch,"  one  (Xanthus)  calling  the  other  (Simois)  to 
his  assistance.  Nonsense  seems  to  amalgamate  with  the  putty-like 
stuff  in  the  skulls  of  the  lords  of  reason,  who  are  sure  to  delight  in  any 
thing  in  proportion  to  its  absurdity;  their  precious  faith  enabling  them 
by  obumbrating  and  ofFuscating  (as  Pomposo  phrases  it)  their  intel- 
lects, to  see  apple-dumplins:s  when  there  is  only  horse  dung  before 
their  snouts!  "Wonderful  Yahoo!  thy  gullibility  exceeds  all  power 
of  imagination. 

f  "La  vertu  fonderaentale  de  toute  religion,  i.  e.,  la  plus  utile  k  see 
ministres  c'est  la  foi.  Elle  consiste  dans  une  credulite  sans  homes, 
qui  fait  croire  sans  examen  tout  ce  que  les  interpretes  de  la  divinit6 
out  interet  que  Ton  croie.  La  foi  implicite  a  ete  la  source  des  plus 
grands  attentats  qiii  se  soient  commis  sur  la  terre." — Le  Bon  Sens. 

"Credulity,  call'd  faith,  entraps  the  soul; 
She  lies  in  wait  for  idiotism  and  3'^outh , 
List'neth  to  tales  baptized  rigmarole. 

And  makes  them  pass  for  oracles  of  truth." — Pindar. 

"Doubt,"  says  Bolingbroke,  "is  the  key  of  knowledge:  who  do 
not  doubt  will  never  examine;  and  those  who  never  examine  will 
never  know,  but  remain  in  perpetual  ignorance. — Philosophical  Es- 
says. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  91 

Lament  there's  not  a  holy  inquisition, 

To  burn  blasphemers  in  this  wicked  nation.* 

Such  are  our  teachers,  rev'rend  sapient  prigs  ; 
Starch'd,  formal  things,  in  loop'd  hats,  bands,  and  wigs  : 
Such  are  the  Mentors  of  our  public  schools  ; 
Is  it  a  wonder  Yahoos  are  such  fools  ? 
The^^'ll  tell  you  it  was  from  pride  that  Satan  fell, 
And  that  the  rich  with  Dives  are  in  hell. 
Style  themselves  plenipos  from  great  Jehovah, 
And  while  they  face  their  dupes,  all  live  in  clover. t 

Surrounded  by  this  moon-eyed  gaping  rabble, 
Who  prick  their  asses'  ears  up  at  his  gabble. 
See  Rowland  Hill  squint  upward  to  the  sky. 
Like  Macbeth  at  his  dagger,  and  then  cry, 
*'  Dearly  beloved,  mark  well  what  I  say. 
Cast  off  the  old  man  :  ye  must  fast  and  pray : 

*  "But  saints  now  persecute — those  who  won't  turn 
To  their  idolatry,  they  hang  and  l)urn. 
Thoy  were  not  so  at  first — tliey  could  not  he: 
They  wanted  power:   this  obtained,  we  find 
Their  character  appear'd:  from  fear  once  free, 

The  damning  curse  began,  which  sunk  mankind 
Beneath — aye,  speak !  to  hide  this  truth  were  vain — 

Beneath  the  lowest  brute  that  stalks  the  plain. 
Call'd  civilized!   far  better  had  ye  been 

Like  beasts  that  perish  ;  then  ye  would  have  liv'd 
And  rov'd  in  harmony  through  wood  and  glen; 

Nor  would  ye  for  the  future  then  have  griev'd: 
Or  had  ye  fought  it  would  have  been  for  food, 
And  not  for  creeds  ye  never  understood." — Prize  Poem. 
\  Wg  need  not  wonder  at  the  audacity  of  this  tril)e  of  black  locusts, 
when  we  consider  that  "kings  and  queens"  are  to  be  their  "iiiirsing 
fathers  and  mothers,  and  are  to  bow  tiieir  faces  to  the  eartJi,  an  !  liek 
the  dust  off  their  feet."  No  wonder  the  Holy  Bible  is  so  industriously 
ci'ammed  into  the  maws  of  the  besotted  Yahoos,  and  so  much  holy 
zeal  displayed  in  converting  the  heathen  !  But  if  kings  and  queens 
are  to  "lick  the  dust  off  tiieir  feet,"  how  are  the  swinish  multitude  to 
show  thnr  respect  to  the  Lord's  amb!issa<lors?  Why,  by  licking  soine- 
where  else  to  be  sure.  H- n'y  a  pas  d'autre  moyen  ;  and  so  they  ought, 
in  order  to  keep  tliem  irj  proper  suhjection. — Laud  exhibited  liimself 
in  his  true  colors  when  in  the  height  of  his  career,  he  insolently  said, 
he  hoped  to  see  the  time  when  the  greatest  jack-gentleman  in  the  land 
should  not  dare  to  stand  with  his  hat  on  before  the  meanest  priest. 


92  THE    YAHOO  ! 

Ye're  born  in  sin,  and  very  prone  to  evil, 

And  but  for  me,  ye'd  soon  be  with  the  devil ; 

But  heed  him  not,  for  all  his  rant  and  racket, 

The  Lord's  appointed  me  to  dust  his  jacket. 

Bring  but  your  filthy  lucre  to  the  church, 

And  we'll  soon  leave  the  rascal  in  the  lurch : 

Renounce  the  world,  and  all  its  empty  trash  ; 

Good  pious  Christians  never  can  want  cash! 

The  Scripture  moveth  us  in  sundry  places, 

To  give  the  parson  all  without  wry  faces  :* 

The  holy  gospel  proves  it's  not  a  fib, 

'Twas  so  with  Ananias  and  his  rib  ; 

They  wanted  for  themselves  to  keep  a  penny, 

Tho  Holy  Ghost  said  '  No  !  ye  sha'n't  have  any.' 

So  down  they  tumbled  like  two  cheating  wretches, 

(Those  who  defraud  the  church  the  devil  fetches). 

Don't  thiidv  I  tip  ye  holy  gospel  gammon, 

In  order  to  cajole  ye  of  your  mammon  : 

I  scorn  to  meddle  with  your  worldly  pelf, 

I  never  want  a  farthing  for  myself. 

Poor  souls,  indeed,  in  this  world  I  know  many. 

Who  smell  meat  in  cook's  shops,  but  ne'er  taste  any. 

*  "Godliness  is  great  gain."  "Bring  me  all  thou  hast  and  follow 
ine  is  the  true  church  maxim,"  says  Gordon.  "As  many  as  were  pos- 
sessed of  houses  or  lands  sold  them,  and  brought  the  prices  of  the 
things  that  were  sold,  and  laid  them  down  at  the  apostles'  feet!" 

This  is  in  the  true  spirit  of  holy  religion!  Bring  all,  you  can  not 
bring  too  much,  as  was  barefacedly  avowed  by  John  Wesley.  "You," 
says  the  pious  holder-forth,  "who  have  £200  a  year,  and  spend  but 
one,  do  you  give  God  the  other  hundred?  If  not,  you  rob  him  of  jnst 
8o  much.  Oh,  leAve  nothing  behind  you!  Send  all  you  have  before 
you  go  into  a  better  world!  Lend  it!  lend  it  all  unto  the  Lord,  and 
itslialLbe  paid  you  again.  Haste,  haste,  n)y  beloved;  haste,  lest  you 
should  be  called  away  before  you  have  settled  vvhat  you  have  on  tliis 
secui'ity.  When  this  is  done,  you  may  boldly  say,  J^ow  I  have  nothing 
to  do  but  to  die!  [True  enougli,  John.]  Father,  into  ihy  hands  I  com- 
mit my  spirit!  come,  Lord  Jesus,  come  quickly." — Southey's  Life  of 
Wedcy. 

We  may  well  say  with  Cowper — 

"Legates  and  delegates  with  pow'rs  from  hell, 
Tho'  heavenly  in  pretension,  fleece  us  well." 

Or  with  Doddsley — 

"The  holy  drones  monopolize  the  sky. 
And  plunder  by  a  vow  of  pov^erty." 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  ^3 

Do,  my  beloved,  pity  their  hard  fate, 
And  drop  for  them  your  money  in  the  plate.* 
Remember  you've  your  blessed  Savior's  word, 
Give  to  the  poor  you  lend  unto  the  Lord."    •  ♦ 


5imos,  ) 
shows,  > 
boly  toes.  ) 


Oh,  pious  preachers,  reverendissimos, 
Do  give  the  rabble  some  religious  she 
And,  pope-like,  let  them  kiss  your  he 
How  very  much  ye  all  by  your  behavior, 
Observe  the  precepts  of  your  "  blessed  »Savior." 
What  self-denial !   modest,  mild,  and  meek  ; 
Ye  never  riches,  or  Commendams  seek  ; 
Ye  never  wish  to  swell  your  worldly  store, 
But  give  whate'er  ye  get  to  feed  the  poor  ; 
And  call  in  all  the  crippled  and  the  blind, 
Whene'er  ye  guttle,  as  ye  are  enjoin'd.f 
Ye've  no  vile  appetites  to  gratify  ; 
Temptations  of  the  devil  ye  defy. 
All  worldly  vanities  ye  shun  with  care. 
Brown-bread  and  gospel-sauce  is  precious  fare  ; 
Ye  never  stuff  your  guts  at  tavern  dinners, 
"  Christ  and  a  Crust"  is  quite  enough  for  sinners  ;J 
Ye  never  swill,  nor  gormandize  like  beasts. 
As  greasy  cits  do,  at  their  Lord  May'r's  feasts. 
If  ye  have  double  chins,  and  swagging  paunches, 
It's  not  with  calapash,  nor  luscious  haunches  ; 
Ye  poke  no  spoon  in  any  rich  men's  dishes, 
Nor  play  the  sycophant  for  loaves  and  fishes  ; 

*  *"Tis  the  saint's  godly  maxim  to  beg  for  the  polf. 
In  behalf  of  the  poor,-  and  then  keep  it  himself." 

f  "Wlien  thou  makest  a  dinner  or  a  supper,  call  not  thy  friends,  nor 
thy  rich  neighbors;  call  the  maimed,  tiie  poor,  the  lame  and  the 
blind." — Luke  xiv.  Ay,  catch'em  at  it!  a  pretty  rig  to  see  all  the 
begi^ars  in  Lambeth  sitting  nose  to  nose  with  his  grace  of  Canterbury, 
forsooth ! 

J  Many  of  the  maivworm  tribe  have  these  cant  phrases  in  their 
mouths,  and  boast  of  the  riches  of  "Christ  and  a  Crust,"  whicli  tliey 
possess,  and  wliich  their  fleecing  parsons  tell  them  is  quite  sufficient, 
and  all  a  good  Christian  needs.  Bedlam  is  halffilled  with  these  poor 
creatures;  and  the  number  of  o'«^  patients  affected  with  the  same  virus 
(which  Voltaire  aptly  denominates  la  vcrole  morale)  is  incredible. 


94  THE   yahoo: 

But  mortify  your  flesli  by  pray'r  and  fasting, 
In  order  to  obtain  life  everlasting. 

Such  are  oxfc  teachers  and  our  preachers  too ! 
All  men  oi' gumption — give  the  dev'l  his  due;* 
With  Bible,  blunderbuss,  and  Pray'r-book  sabre, 
Poor  Beelzebub's  black  hide  they  all  belabor ; 
While  he,  who  knows  that  this  is  humbug  stuff, 
Snaps  his  black  fingers  at  their  bounce  and  huff: 
For  that,  however,  they  pretend  to  scout  him. 
They  ccmldn't  carry  on  their  trade  without  him  : 
So  to  his  valet  Smut  (who  combs  his  wigs 
And  shaves  him)  says,  "  Go,  tell  the  pulpit  prigs 
I  value  not  their  gospel-mag  a  louse. 
But  take  their  sermons  to  the  little  house  ; 
To  buffet  me  they  only  lose  their  pains, 
And  show  they're  better  stufPd  with  guts  than  brains  ; 
But  if  they  are  for  coming  to  the  Scratch, 
By  God  ril  curry  the  whole  blackguard  batch. "t 

Who,  my  lord  bishop  can  with  pride  reproach, 
Altlijft'  he  lives  in  state,  and  keeps  his  coach  1 
Does  he  not  with  a  pious  phiz  declare. 
That  filthy  lucre's  nothing  but  a  snare  ? 

*  "Men  that  can  strut  it  and  look  big, 

With  store  of  guts  as  well  as  wig." — Homer. 
\  As  these  reverend  devil-boxers  are  dressed  in  black,  and  Sive  guards 
to  the  church,  the  Black  Prince's  epithet,  if  not  very  polite,  is  at  least 
very  appropriate. 

"Sure  'tis  an  orthodox  opinion, 
That  grace  is  founded  in  dominion. 
Great  piety  consists  in  pride; 
To  rule  is  to  be  sanctified: 
To  domineer  and  to  control 
Both  o'er  the  body  and  the  soul, 
Is  the  most  perfect  disciph'ne 
Of  church  rule,  and  by  right  divine. 
For  saints  may  do  tlie  same  thing  by 
The  spirit  in  sincerity, 
Whicli  other  men  are  tempted  to, 
And  at  the  devil's  instance  do; 
And  yet  the  actions  he  contrary, 
Just  as  the  saints  and  wicked  vary." — Iludlbras. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  95 

*'  Nolo  episcoparii"  is  his  boast ; 

But  then  he's  called  on  by  the  Holy  Ghost  ;* 

And  when  a  ghost  calls  with  such  special  news, 

How  can  a  bishop  in  his  heart  refuse  ? 

Renouncing  vanities  and  sinful  lust, 

Hts  treasure's  where  there's  neither  "  moth  nor  rust ;" 

He  scorns  all  mammon  (just  as  dogs  do  mutton) ; 

But  seeks  it  with  the  stomach  of  a  glutton. 

He  never  makes  provision  for  the  morrow, 

But  gives  away  his  all,  the  Lord  to  follow  ; 

In  mien  so  lowly,  and  so  truly  meek, 

When  struck  on  one  he  turns  the  other  cheek ; 

Each  angry  and  revengeful  feeling  smothers. 

Nor  e'er  resents  the  trespasses  of  others.f 

But  watch  this  canting  tribe,  and  if  you've  eyes. 

You'll  find  all  this  mere  fudge  and  humbug  lies — 

Mark  well  the  conduct  of  these  tithe-collectors. 

From  high  to  low,  archbishops,  deans,  and  rectors  : 

You'll  soon  perceive  the  glaring  contradicrtion, 

And  that  their  ghostly  jabber's  all  a  fiction. 

*  What  a  stock  of  brass  these  reverends  must  be  endowed  with,  to 
pronounce  in  the  most  solemn  manner,  and  in  the  face  of  day,  that 
they  are  unwilling  to  become  bishops;  when  at  the  same  time  it  is 
well  known  that  they  have  been  exerting  themselves  in  every  way 
possible  to  obtain  the  mitre.  Shame,  where  is  thy  blush  ?  Talk  of 
the  impudence  of  a  highwayman's  horse!  bah;  transfer  the  compar- 
ison to  a  parson. 

jf  Only  now  and  then,  when  the  devil  gets  the*  ascendency  over  these 
Lord's  embassadors,  as  happened  lately  near  Twickenham,  where  the 

Rev.  prosecuted  his  gardener  for  stealing  two-penny  worth  of 

beef,  of  which  he  was  convicted;  the  parson  having  found  the  slice  of 
meat  in  his  possession,  and  carefully  fitted  it  to  the  round  from  which 
it  had  been  cut.  But  instances  of  clerical  charity,  forgiveness  of  tres- 
,  passes,  and  compassionate  feeling  for  the  poor,  abound.  A  worthy 
rector  (of  Blue-coat  school  notoriety),  within  one  hundred  miles  t)f 
Edmonton,  who  has  only  about  £2,000  per.aimum,  threatened  his  gar- 
dener with  legal  punishment  for  making  free  with  a  few  potatoes  not 
long  since!  While  another  worthy  of  the  sable  corps,  not  far  from 
Leatherhead,  and  who  is  moreover  a  just-as.%  fined  a  poor  laboring 
man  nine  shillings  for  selling  a  few  cherries,  which  grew  in  his  own 
garden,  on  tiie  Lord's  day.  What  a  blessing  the  Lord's  day  is  to  the 
poor — in  spirit!  No  wonder  the  swiniph  tnultitude  are  all  so  eager 
to  salute  tlie  posteriors  of  their  spiritual  pastors,  before  they  can  even 
slip  down  their  unmentional)les. 


96  THE    YAHOO : 

Of  such  you'll  always  find  the  tongue  and  heart, 

Like  east  and  west,  lie  very  far  apart.* 

And  verifies  what  Hobbes  said  long  ago, 

That  words  would  with  a  fool  for  money  go  : 

But  with  the  wise  would  not  so  easy  pass,    ' 

They  smelt  the  difTrence  soon  'twixt  gold  and  brass. + 

The  Yahoo,  as  if  prompted  by  the  devil, 
To  physical  has  added  moral  evil  ; 
His  self-tormenting  mind  is  on  the  stretch 
To  plague  himself,  and  be  his  own  Jack  Ketch. 
What  he  thinks  wrong  to-day,  to-morrow's  right ; 
He  loves  at  noon  what  he  detests  at  night  : 
The  fiend  that  plagues  him,  his  own  sickly  brain, 
Turns  all  his  schemes  of  pleasure  into  pain. 
A  slave  to  all  the  follies  of  the  great, 
Whate'er  they  do  lie's  sure  to  imitate. 
Tell  him,  'morjgst  lords  and  dukes  it  is  the  mode. 
He'll  walk  upon  his  head,  or  eat  a  toad  .J 
Should  any  blockhead  cut  his  coat  in  half, 
When  he  walk'd  out  the  rabble  all  would  laugh. 
But  tell  them  'tis  a  lord,  the  ape-like  crew. 
To  look  like  him,  cut  all  their  coats  in  two.^ 
Fashion's  the  magic  word;  if  some  grand  fool 
Is  all  be-whisker'd,  it  becomes  the  rule  : 
The  Yahoos  all  then  try  to  gain  applause. 
By  looking  like  baboons  about  the  jaws.jl 

*  "Is  there  a  ehnrchman  wlio  on  God  relies, 
"Whose  life  his  faith  and  doctrine  justifies? 
Not  one."  ,.  Lord  Rochester. 

\  Tt  was  an  observation  of  Ilobbes,  that  words  "were  the  counters 
of  wise  men,  and  the  money  of  fools." 
J  Boddslej's  Poems. 

§  It  is  said,  Lord  Spencer,  for  a  wager,  to  prove  the  folly  of  the 
Yahoo,  as  to  fashion,  in  imitating  the  upper  orders,  actually  appeared 
in  the  public  places  in  a  half  coat,  i.  e.,  with  the  skirts  cut  off;  and, 
in  a  very  short  time,  everybody  followed  the  example,  and  appeared 
in  a  similar  dress;  wljich  was,  from  that  circumstance,  dubbed  a  Spen- 
cer. 

11  Whiskers  are  manufactured  at  present,  and  dyed  to  any  color  for 
such  as  may  want  them  in  haste,  w)ien  tliey  are  stuck  on!  Yast  im- 
provements. 


A    SATIRICAL     RHAPSODY.  97 

Ask  one  of  these  brute-snouted  prigs,  what  news  ? 
He'll  tell  you  Hoby  makes  the  smartest  shoes  : 
Or  should  you  want  an  exquisite  cut  coat, 
Stultz  is  your  man,  when  tipp'd  a  ten-pound  note. 
See  dear  Miss  Tommy  dressing! — what's  he  at? 
Why,  studying  how  to  tie  on  his  cravat : 
Of  modes  there  are  yo  less  than  thirty-six,* 
And  Tommy  doesn't  know  on  which  to  fix! 
What  "  march  of  mind  !"  what  scientific  days  ! 
Women  wear  boots,  and  long-back'd  lubbers  stays. 

Folly,  thy  name  is  Yahoo — t?iou  dost  show 
Thyself  conspicuous  both  in  belief  and  beau. 
The  females,  with  their  form  dissatisfied, 
(And  half-deranged  through  piety  and  pride,) 
By  pads,  cork-rumps,  and  lacing-tight,  pretend 
The  shape  that  nature  gave  them  they  can  mend ; 
And  who'll  dispute  the  female  Yahoo's  taste. 
Who  barters  health  to  gain  a  slender  waist ! 
Screw'd  in  so  tight  they  scarce  can  draw  their  breath, 
Persisting,  even  though  it  threaten  death. 
All  tops  and  bottoms,  nothing  now  will  do, 
Unless,  like  wasps,  they're  nearly  cut  in  two. 
In  shape  an  hour-glass,  pinch'd  up  in" the  middle, 
And  puff 'd  out  round  the  shoulders  and  bum-fiddle  ! 
As  if  for  Venus-Hottentots  designed. 
They  hang  a  full-stuffed  pocket  on  behind. 
Each  to  be  foremost  in  the  folly  brags. 
Huge  bushel  bonnets — sleeves  like  pudding-bags! 
*'  Gigot  de  mouton"  call'd,  of  Paris  fame. 
Though  '*  jambe  de  boeuf"  would  be  a  fitter  name. 

*  A  book  is  advertised,  called,  the  "Art  of  tying  on  a  Cravat,'*  price 
3s.,  in  which  there  are  thirty-two  modes  exhibited  on  plates,  with  a 
"History  of  the  Cravat  from  its  Origin  to  the  present  Time,"  <fec. ;  with 
a  portrait  of  the  author!  which  has  run  through  three  editions.  Oh, 
intellect,  no  wonder  there  is  so  much  boasting  of  thy  spread. 

f  "Frailty,  thy  name  is  woman,"  says  the  divinehnvdi ;  but  why  not 
man?  The  j^emales  do  certainly  crowd  most  into  the  Gospel-shops; 
many,  no  doubt,  from  the  fear  of  the  devil,  and  many  from  vanity  to 
display  their  finery;  but  are  the  puppies  of  the  masculine  gender  much 
behind  them  in  absurdity  ? 

9 


98  THE    YAHOO  I 

If  French,  howe'er  preposterous  or  frightful, 
The  Yahoo  belles  all  cry,  "  Oh,  how  delightful !" 

Observe  those  coxcombs  all  so  slowly  pacing, 
To  show  off — 'tis  the  funeral  of  a  Mason. 
With  leather  aprons,  compasses,  and  rules, 
By  which  to  prove  that  they're  no  com?no?i  fools  ; 
With  antics  that  would  make  the  devil  grin, 
They're  at  an  ale-house  what  is  call'd  *'  tiled-iny 
Building  a  temple  then  to  work  they  go, 
To  imitate  king  Solomon's  in  show. 
The  great  Jew  king  was  pleas'd  with  apes  we  find,* 
And  these  are  their  descendants  left  behind  : 
Some  say  they're  with  hot  pokers  mark'd — why  not  ? 
When  we  behold  the  Yahoo  such  a  sot.f 

Absorb'd  in  follies,  but  yet  never  stated, 
The  Yahoo's  first  with  this,  then  that  elated. 
One  childish  fancy  after  t'other's  tried, 
Be-pictur'd  now,  and  now  be-butterfly'd  ; 
Be-shell'd,  be-fiddled,  magnetizing  next ; 
Seeking  amusement  still,  and  still  perplex'd. 

*  "Every  three  years  once  came  the  ships  of  Tarshish  bringing  gold 
and  silver,  and  apes,  and  peacocks." — 2  Chron.  ix. 

If  these  wiseacres  were  to  exhibit  ii  model  of  the  royal  Jews'  serag- 
lio it  would  be  highly  amusing,  with  the  apartnaents  for  Jiis  thousand 
belles! 

""Where  Solomon  in  wisdom  shines, 

Among  his  wives  and  concubines ; 

A  thousand  only?  what  a  quantum 

To  play  with  him  at  rantum-skantum! 

Sure  wenches  then  were  ten  a-peuny, 

When  this  Jew  king  could  get  so  many. 

One  should  have  guess'd,  as  gold  was  plenty, 

He  might  have  had  eighteen  or  twenty, 

But  such  a  posse!  zounds  and  blood! 

Enough  to  drive  him  mad,  by  God. 

Smouch  might  be  rich,  perhaps;  but  wise  ! 

Oh,  no  I  the  gliost  may  tell  us  lies — 

Peacocks  and  a;«>es  he  might  possess: 

But  sure  of  wisdom  no  man  less." 

f  "Oh!  we  are  ridiculous  animals!  and  if  angels  have  any  fun  in 
them,  how  we  must  divert  them." — Horace  Walpole, 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY  99 

Through  F.  S.  A.'s  old  lumber  then  he  blunders, 

Like  Katerfelto's  eat,*  announcing  "  wonders  !" 

Buys  an  old  p —  pot  fashion'd  "  a  la  Grecque," 

From  Herculaneum  dug,  a  true  antique  ! 

Then  purchases  a  cockle-shell,  a  ballad,! 

Or  tries  to  prove  fleas  lobsters,;}:  duckweed  salad ! 

At  night  he  joins  the  superfine-ear'd  crowd, 

To  hear  "  The  Catalani"  scream  aloud. 

Next  morning  hurries  off  with  great  delight 

To  see  two  blackguards.  Crib  and  Belcher,  fight : 

One  day  he  runs  to  runs  to  see  a  Lord  Mayor's  show, 

The  next  with  dogs  and  horses — tally-ho  !^ 

A  noble  lord  now  mounts  the  coachman's  box, 

*'  Hayt,  hayt !"  he  cries,  and  on  the  foot-board  knocks  : 

A  Belcher  round  his  neck,  a  kiddy  smile, 

Then  capes,  topp'd  boots,  squirts  thro'  his  teeth  in  style  : 

Handles  the  ribands  in  a  natty  way ; 

Proud  the  stage-coachman's  science  to  display : 

Upon  the  road  picks  all  common  slang  up. 

Which  he  retails  among  his  "  Club  of  Bang-up." 

A  jockey,  groom-taught,  knowing  set  of  lords, 

To  whom  stage-fighting,  nuble  sport  affords; 

An  upper  order,  high  bred,  titled  race, 

Who  think  such  blackguardism  no  disgrace. 

*  A  quack,  or  conjuror,  who  exlu\)ited  his  tricks  some  years  ago  in 
Piccadilly,  and  boasted  the  wonderful  sagacity  of  a  very  large  black 
cat  in  his  possession.     His  placards  were  always  Wonders. 

\  The  mania  for  rubbish  of  this  sort  has  been  carried  to  such  a  pitch 
that  five  pounds  have  been  given  at.  a  sale  for  an  old  play-bill ;  anti- 
quity a<lding  such  value  to  useless  things  I  One  of  the  dilletantis,  it 
is  said,  has  expended  considerable  sums  in  the  purchase  of  a  regular 
series  of  turnpike  tickets;  and  another  in  collecting  old  ballads,  which 
he  has  had  pasted  down  in  and  alphabetical  and  chronological  order. 

X  '♦  Fleas  are  not  lobsters,  damn  their  souls."  See  Pindar's  account 
of  Sir  Joseph  Banks'  endeavor  to  ascertain  this  important  matter. 

§  "Our  manner  of  hunting,"  says  Ghesterfield,  "is  only  suitable  to 
boobies  and  bumpkins;  the  poor  beasts  are  pursued,  and  run  down 
by  much  greater  beasts  than  themselves.  The  true  British  foxhunter 
is,  most  undoubtedly,  a  species  appropriated  and  peculiar  to  this  coun- 
try, which  no  other  part  of  the  globe  produces." 


100  THE     YAHOO  I 

A  bull-bait  next  delights,*  or  Cock-lane  ghost,t 

The  last  found  folly  always  pleasing  nfiost.f 

A  monkey-mermaid  now  he  runs  to  view  !^ 

A  "  living  skeleton's"  the  next  thing  new. 

Now  brother  Block  comes  in  with  news  !      Eh,  what? 

Why,  there's  a  charming  Venus-Hottentot! 

Pleas'd  he  starts  off,  and  stares  with  vacant  face, 

Then  hurries  down  to  join  Newmarket  Race. 

With  black-legs  there  of  sweepstakes  he  converses, 

And  bets  to  show  his  knowledge  of  race-horses. 

*'  I'll  take  your  bet,  my  lord,  of  three  to  one  ; 

I  lay  on  Shimmerkin  :"  'tis  done  and  done. 

Dup'd  of  his  money,  home  he  steers  again, 

And  to  the  cockpit  hastes  to  see  the  main.\\ 

*  The  amusements  of  the  Yahoo  a  century  back  (before  the  intellect 
began  marching)  correspond  very  much  with  the  lion,  dog,  and  stago 
fighting  of  the  present  "enlightened"  time.  A  placard  in  the  time  of 
Brandy  Nan,  announcing  bull  and  bear-baiting  at  Hockley  in  the  Hole, 
concludes  in  the  following  words:  "And  a  great  mad  bull  will  bo 
tunned  loose  in  the  yard  with  fireworks  all  over  him,  and  two  or  three 
cats  tied  to  his  tail. — Reginat  vivat." 

•(•  The  poor  soft  cockneys,  as  well  as  the  higher  orders,  were  dread- 
fully terrified  with  this  hobgoblin  for  sevei-al  weeks.     The  consterna- 
tion became  general ;   and  the  great  pomposo,  who  was  an  advocate  for 
every  kind  of  superstitious  mummery,   gave  it  full  credence.     It  was 
also  countenanced  (no  wonder)  by  all  the  reverends,  and  many  of  tho 
nobility. — See  WalpoWs  Correspondence,  vol.  ii.  333. 
\  "Enchanting  novelty,  that  moon  at  full, 
That  finds  out  every  crevice  of  the  head, 
That  is  not  sound  and  perfect,  hath  in  theirs 
Wrought  this  disturbance." — Oovrper. 
§  This  humbug  served  the  cockney^Yahoos  ^ov  pro  and  con,  several 
months,  and  even  occasioned  a  lawsuit,  being  claimed  by  two  owners. 
It  was  subsequently  discovered  to  be  a  composition.     A  stuffed  mon- 
key's skin,  to  which  was  attached  the  tale  of  a  dried  fish. 

I  This  infernal  bloodhound  sport  is  encouraged  by  Yahoos  calling 
themselves  geritlemen  (Corinthian  capitals  of  polished  society).  The 
following  advertisement  was  inserted  in  the  Morning  Post  not  long 
since  : — "  Cocking. — To  be  fought  at  the  Royal  Cockpit,  on  Monday, 
next,  and  all  the  week,  a  great  subscription  match;  begins  fighting  at 
half-past  six.  Dinner  on  table  at  four.  On  Friday  morning,  in  the 
same  week,  will  be  fought  a  Welsh  7nain*  for  £50."  Oh,  heaven-born 
Yahoo!  Christian  and  church-goer,  no  wonder  you  are  compared  to 
angels  in  your  actions ! 

*  This  consists  in  setting  20  or  30  of  these  poor  birds  to  engage  together,  armed 
with  steel  spurs. — What  a  picture  of  hell  and  demons ! 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  101 

Next  night  to  Drury  Lane  perhaps  he  flies, 
And  praises  Master  Betty  to  the  skies  : 
•*  Oh,  what  a  genius  !"  he's  in  rapture  lost ! 

To-morrow  he's  a  doh — a  p g  post.* 

But  most  of  all,  the  Yahoos'  chief  delight 

Is  guzzle,  whether  morning,  noon,  or  night. 

That  seems  their  "  summum  bonum,"  old  or  young;  y 

And  is  their  morning,  noon,  and  evening  song. 

To  that  they  fly,  to  save  them  from  dull  thinking, 

And  such  their  weakness,  that  they're  proud  of  drinking.f 

For  tho'  their  reason  is  so  much  their  boast. 

Their  happiest  time  is  when  their  reason's  lost. 

This  precious  gift  the  better  to  display. 

They  turn  the  day  to  night,  the  night  to  day. 

Witness  their  midnight  Bacchanalian  shouts, 

And  vile,  disgusting,  swinish,  drunken  bouts  ! 

Like  polecats,  stinking  with  tobacco  smoke  ; 

With  guzzle  drench'd,  then  comes  the  song  and  joke. 

Then  comes  the  "  tol  de  rol,"  and  "  hey  down  derry," 

With  "  push  about  the  glass,  and  let's  be  merry," 

*  The  "spread  of  intellect"  was  never  more  conspicnons  than  at  this 
period.  Master  Betty's  celebrity  was  wonderful,  and  the  desire  to  see 
him  perform  on  the  stage  so  great,  that  not  a  place  could  be  secured 
for  the  first  six  nights.  The  whole  town  flocked  to  the  theatre  to  see 
ft  parrot-taught  boy  make  love  to  a  woman  three  or  four  times  his  age, 
big  enough  to  devour  him,  and  who  was  looking  down  at  him  like  the 
cow  to  Tommy  Thumb.  Tlie  young  Roscius,  as  he  was  called,  was 
paid  for  this  mummery  £50  per  night!  John  Kemble,  we  are  told, 
was  engaged  at  near  £40  per  week  at  the  same  time.  A  prett}'  mod- 
erate sum  for  ranting  and  bellowing  out  a  few  fustian  tragedy  senten- 
ces, larded  with  ah's  and  oh's  about  kings  and  queens,  and  such  like 
chinaware. — See  Reynold's  Memoirs. 

f  "The  principle  of  vanity,"  says  Chesterfield,  "is  so  strong  in  hu- 
man nature,  that  it  descends  even   to  the  lowest  objects.     A  man  will 
boast,  perhaps  swear,  that  he  has  drunk  six  or  eight  bottles  of  wine  at 
a  sitting:   out  of  charity  I  will  believe  him  a  liar,  for  if  I  do  not  1  must 
think  him  a  beast."     But  there  are  thousands  of  popular  ballads  en- 
couraging this  depravity;  such  as  "I  guzzle  each  night  till  I'm  carried 
up  stairs" — "He  that  goes  to  bed  sober,"  <fec. ;  or,  as  Colman  observes, 
"That  there  are  swilling  wights  in  London  town, 
Term'd  jolly  dogs-^choice  spirits  (alias  swine) 
Who  pour,  in  nndnight  revels,  bumpers  down, 
Making  their  throats  a  thoroughfare  for  wine." 

Broad  Grins. 
9* 


102  THE  yahoo: 

You'll  see  a  score  of  "  reason  lords"  together, 
Smoking  the  **  devil's  weed"*  in  sultry  weather! 
Stark  blind  to  Chesterfield,  and  all  his  graces,! 
They  puff  out  clouds  in  one  another's  faces  : 
Each  adding  to  the  vile,  infernal  smother, 
As  if  they  meant  to  stifle  one  another! 
If  sulphur  was  but  added  to  the  smell, 
It  justly  might  be  call'd  a  little  hell.J 
Oh,  Jammie,  Jammie  !   what  would'st  thou  have  said, 
If  thou  had'st  seen  a  hell  like  this  display'd  ? 
Thy  hair,  no  doubt,  would  at  the  horrid  sight, 
Have  push'd  thy  cap  off,  and  stood  bolt  upright ! 
Tho'  for  a  Solomon  thou  once  didst  pass. 
Thy  proper  title  should  be  Royal  Ass. 
To  write  and  rail  against  the  devil's  weed, 
Proves  thee  an  ass  in  grain-,  of  long-ear'd  breed. 

*  So  called  by  King  James,  the  first  crowned  lubber  who  was  dub- 
bed *' sacred." 

f  "Remember  the  graces,  for  without  thern  "ogni  fatica  c  vana." — 
Adieu:   "Les  graces,  les  graces." — Chesterfield's  Letters. 

\  "Surely  smoke  becomes  a  kitchen  much  better  than  a  dining- 
chamber,  and  yet  it  makes  a  kitchen  oftentimes  in  the  inward  parts 
of  men,  soiling  and  infecting  them  with  an  unctuous  and  oily  kind  of 
soot,  as  hath  been  found  in  some  great  tobacco-smokers,  that  after 
their  death  were  opened." — K.  James's  Counterblast  to  Tobacco. 

"What  a  vast  traffic  is  drove,  what  a  variety  of  labor  is  performed 
in  the  world,  to  the  maintenance  of  thousands  of  families,  that  alto- 
ther  depend  on  two  silly,  if  not  odious  customs — the  taking  of  snuff, 
and  smoking  of  tobacco;  both  of  which,  it  is  certain,  do  infinitely 
more  harm  than  good  to  those  who  are  addicted  to  them." — Mande- 
vine's  Search  into  Society. 

"Pass  where  we  may,  thro'  city  or  thro'  town, 
Village  or  hamlet  of  this  merry  land, 
Tho'  lean  and  beggar'd,  every  twentieth  pace 
Conducts  th'  unguarded  nose  to  such  a  whij[f 
Of  stale  debauch,  forth  issuing  from  the  styes 
That  law  has  licens'd,  as  makes  temp'rance  reel. 
There  sit  involv'd,  and  lost  in  curling  clouds 
Of  Indian  fume,  and  guzzling  deep,  the  boor. 
The  lackey  and  the  groom  ;  the  craftsman  there 
Takes  a  Lethean  leave  of  all  his  toil ; 
Smith,  cobbler,  joiner,  he  that  plies  the  shears, 
And  he  that  kneads  the  dongh  ;  all  loud  alike, 
All  learned,  and  all  drunk," — Oowper. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  103 

Couldst  thou  not  guess  that  when  thy  subjects  smoked, 
Unless  supplied  with  swill,  they'd  soon  be  chok'd  ? 
And  that  a  petty  tax  upon  malt  liquor, 
Would  bring  some  millions  into  thy  exchequer  !* 
And  millions,  all  must  own,  are  charming  things, 
To  swell  the  pockets  of  poor  needy  kings. 

Nor  should  the  Yahoo's  gambling  be  forgot, 
The  sure  resource  of  every  knave  and  sot. 
Thousands  of  males  and  females  spend  the  night, 
In  shuffling  packs  of  cards — their  dear  delight! 
Ail  sorts,  all  classes,  are  engaged  in  play. 
And  so  deprav'd,  they  shim  the  light  of  day. 
'Tis  now  a  master  vice,  and  thrives  so  well. 
That  every  house  is,  more  or  less,  a  "  hell." 
Not  for  low  gaming,  they  scorn  petit  jeu, 
'Tmust  be  piquant^  or  else  it  will  not  do. 
Hence  Grockford's  dashing  palaces  arise, 
To  lure  rich  fools,  and  dazzle  greenhorn's  eyes  ; 
Where  gudgeons  are  urged  on  to  make  a  dash. 
By  sharks  who  diddle  'em,  and  get  their  cash. 

Yes,  these  are  "  reason's  lords,"  the  strutting  race, 
Who  boast  their  form  divine,  and  heav'nly  grace  ! 
Their  faculties  perverted,  prove  their  curse,t 
And  what  was  bad  before,  they  make  still  w^rse. 

*  The  sums  produced  to  the  revenue  by  taxes  upon  the  swill  of  the 
Yalioo  surpasses  belief.  With  the  additional  one  of  tobacco,  which 
appertains  as  a  stimulus  to  drunkenness,  the  amount  is  from  ten  to 
twelve  millions  per  annum!  No  wonder  so  many  sot's  holes  are  seen 
in  every  direction. 

"The  excise  is  fattened  with  the  rich  result 
Of  all  this  riot,  and  ten  thousand  casks 
For  ever  dribbling  out  their  base  contents, 
Touch'd  by  the  Miflas  finger  of  the  state, 
Bleed  gold  for  ministers  to  sport  away." — Cmoper, 
f  "But  when  a  creature  pretending  to   reason,"  my  master  said, 
"could  be  guilty  of  such  enormities,  he  dreaded  lest  the  corruption  of 
that  faculty  might  be  worse  than  brutality  itself.     He  seemed,  there- 
fore, confident,  that  instead  of  reason,  we  were  only  possessed  of  some 
quality  fitted  to  increase  our  natural  vices;  as  the  reflection  from  a 
troubled  stream  returns  the  image  of  an  ill-shapen  body,  not  only 
larger^  but  more  distorted" — Swift. 


104  THK    YAHOO : 

To  make  their  own  affliction  more  secure, 
Establish  laws  of  primogeniture  ; 
By  which  my  lord  brings  up  one  cuh  in  state, 
And  leaves  the  rest  to  curse  their  ragged  fate. 
Then,  lest  Old  Nick  should  envy  their  condition, 
Add  to  their  other  curses  Superstition  !* 
The  first  deprives  them  of  their  daily  bread, 
The  latter  damns  them  after  they  are  dead.f 
Not  all  the  plagues  Pandora's  box  let  out, 
Which  ever  since  to  curse  us,  swarm  about. 
Are  half  so  bad  as  what  these  purblind  elves, 
These  **  lords  of  reason"  bring  upon  themselves.^ 

Some  say  the  Fates,  indeed,  like  ill-spun  toads, 
Send  us  all  plagues  and  troubles  by  cart-loads. § 
That  block  or  hammer  we  are  doomed  to  be  ; 
Thump  or  be  thumfd  's  our  wretched  destiny : 

*  "La  superstition,"  says  Helvetius,  "est  nne  source  empoisonnee, 
d'ou  sont  sortis  tous  les  malheurs,  et  les  calamites  de  la  terre." 

\  The  heavy  curses  of  primogeniture  and  superstition  stick  to  the 
poor  Yahoo  like  a  pitch  plaster,  and  keeps  his  snout  to  the  grindstone 
to  the  end  of  his  existence.  By  the  former  he  is  kept,  from  the  ex- 
treme inequality  of  property  it  occasions,  in  a  state  of  servitude  ap- 
proaching to  slavery  and  starvation;  and  by  the  latter  (called  religion) 
rendered  an  idiot,  fed  upon  moonshine,  and  cajoled  out  of  the  good 
things  in  this  world,  upon  an  assurance  of  receiving  a  hundred  fold  in 
another,  froiii  a  juggling  tribe  of  impostors,  who  know  no  more  of  an- 
other world  than  the  beagles  they  tally-ho  with,  or  the  fox  they  so 
heroically  gallop  after,  and  whose  motto  ought  to  be  that  on  the  sun- 
dial— "ignoro  quod  doceo."  The  Yahoo,  however,  in  return,  is  re- 
warded with  the  prosing  of  a  "jack  in  the  box"  about  the  wonderful 
dispensations  and  goodness  of  Providence,  and  gratified  with  the 
•trumpeters'  gaudy  laced  jackets,  with  which  he  ought  to  be  satisfied: 
and  say,  as  he  does  over  his  mutton,  "  the  Lord  make  us  truly  thank- 

\  "Moral  evils  are  of  our  own  making,  and  undoubtedly  the  greater 
part  of  them  may  be  prevented." — Southey's  Colloquies. 

"I  am  convinced,"  says  Lord  Byron,  "that  men  do  more  harm  to 
themselves  than  ever  the  devil  could  do  to  them." 

"And  feeble  suff'rers  groan, 
"With  brain-born  evils  all  their  own." 

§  "And  whatsoever  we  perpetrate. 

We  do  but  roiv,  we're  steer'd  by  Fate." — Hudibras, 


A    S^IRICAL     RHAPSODY.  105 

Predestin'd  all  to  good,  or  else  to  evil ; 
One  to  Jehovah,  fifty  to  the  devil. 

What,  then,  are  Yahoos  thus  compell'd  to  be, 
The  instruments  of  their  own  misery  ?* 
Oh,  no  !   pride,  envy,  misery,  and  ambition, 
Have  brought  "  God's  image"  to  this  sad  condition. 
Greedy  as  death,  the  universal  cry, 
Is  gold  !   more  gold  !  incessant  till  they  die  : 
And  could  they  utter  words  v^hen  laid  in  dust, 
More  gold  !  their  livid  lips  would  utter  first. 
Drain  Mexico  of  gold,  bring  all  Peru  ; 
Insatiate  still,  they  howl  for  Tiinbuctoo. 
Gold  is  the  god  the  Yahoos  all  adore  ! 
There's  no  one  criminal  unless  he's  poor ! 
Should  Christ  himself  but  visit  this  proud  town. 
And  ride  his  ass  in  Broadway  up  and  down, 
The  present,  though  a  Bible  reading  race, 
Would  shun  him,  or  else  giggle  in  his  face  :t 
While  one,  perchance,  among  the  happy  crowd, 
To  gratify  the  rest,  might  bawl  aloud, 
(When  they  had  twigg'd  him  through  his  glass) 
*'  God  damme.  Jack,  here's  Sancho  on  his  ass  ! 
Zounds,  what  a  quizz  !" — The  belles,  loo,  in  a  fright. 
Would  tumble  into  fits  at  such  a  sight. 
For  pelf  they  scramble,  gold's  the  grand  pursuit, 
For  gold  they'll  ransack  earth,  and  hell  to  boot  ;§ 
Whatever's  the  pretext,  that  is  still  the  aim ; 
The  gen'ral  cry  is  "  chacun  pour  soi-meme." 

*  "Why  charge  mankind  on  lieaven  their  own  offence, 
And  call  their  woes  the  crimes  of  Providence? 
Blind;  who  themselves  their  miseries  create, 
And  perish  by  their  foil  t/  not  their  fate" — Doddsley. 

f  "They're  now  so  proud,  that  should  they  meet 
The  twelve  apostles  in  the  street, 
They'd  turn  their  nose  up  at  them  all, 
And  shove  their  Savior  from  the  wall." — Churchill. 

\  "Hear  London's  voice — 'Get  money,  money  still, 
And  then  let  virtue  follow  if  she  will :'  # 

Still,  still  be  getting,  n^ver,  never  rest."— Pope. 


106  THE   yahoo: 

All  pull  and  haul,  and  kick,  and  cufF,  and  grapple, 
The  worst  hog  always  getting  the  best  apple. 

See  Sir  James  Grub,  absorb'd  in  deep-laid  schemes, 
Gold  haunts  his  thoughts  all  day,  all  night  his  dreams. 
Possess'd  of  half  a  million,  still  he's  poor, 
And  saves  a  penny  to  increase  his  store  ;* 
Give  him  the  hide  and  tallow  for  his  pains. 
He'll  whip  a  louse  a  mile,  and  boast  his  gains. 
In  thrifty  maxims  he  displays  his  wit, 
"  Get  what  you  can,  and  hold  fast  what  you  get." 
He'll  tell  you  with  an  oily  canting  tongue, 
"  Man  wants  but  little  here,  and  that  not  long  ;"t 
Tho',  from  his  griping,  it  appears 
"As  if  he  thought  to  live  a  thousand  years. 

Did  Adam  in  his  garden  covet  riches  ? 
Why  zounds  !  he  wasn't  worth  a  pair  of  breeches  !J 
There  were  no  *^  chapeaux-bras^''  for  Mister  Adam, 
Nor  fringe,  nor  furbelow, §  to  deck  his  madam! 

*  "Sir  James  Lowtber,  after  changing  a  piece  of  silver  in  St  George 
coffee-house,  and  paying  twopence  for  his  disli  of  coffee,  was  helped 
into  his  chariot  (for  Fie  was  then  very  lame  and  infirm),  and  proceeded 
home:  a  short  time  after  he  returned  to  tlie  house,  on  purpose  to  ac- 
quaint the  woman  who  kept  it  that  she  had  given  him  a  bad  half- 
penny, and  demanded  another  in  exchange  for  it.  Sir  James  had  about 
foi'ty  thousand  pounds  per  annum,  and  was  at  a  loss  whom  to  appoint 
liis  iieir." — Dr.  King's  Anecdhfes. 

Montaigne  observes,  "Devray  ce  n'est  pas  la  disette,  c'est  plutot 
Tabondance  qui  produit  Favarice." 

^  f  The  whine  of  every  discontented  growling  Yahoo,  although  his 
factitious  wants  are  gratified  every  hour  in  the  day,  and  who  requires 
the  two  extremes  of  the  globe  to  be  ransacked  before  he  can  sit  down 
to  his  breakfast. 

J  "Time  was,  when  clothing,  sumptuous  or  for  use, 
Save  their  own  painted  skins,  our  sires  had  none. 
As  yet  black  breeches  were  not ;  sath  smooth, 
Or  velvet  soft,  or  plush  with  shaggy  pile." — Cowper. 

-  §  According  to  the  old  catch,  however,  the  lady  was  provided  with 
this  ornament — 

"Adam  catch'd  Eve  by  the  fur-below; 
And  that's  the  oldest  catch  I  know." 

It  does  not  seem  probable,  every  things  considered,  that  Mister  Adam 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  107 

They  never  dreamed  of  concerts,  balls,  or  routs, 
But  wrapp'd  their  bottoms  up  in  fig-leav'd  clouts  ;* 
Till  great  Jehovah  made  them  skin  surtouts,t 
That  they  might  look  more  like  their  fellow-brutes. 

But  what's  this  scramble  for?   what  object's  gain'd  ? 
Is  real  happiness  thereby  attained  ? 
A  million  may  be  gain'd  by  negro  gangs. 
Who  groan  beneath  church-going  Christians'  fangs, 
Yet  bring  with  it  remorse,  tho'  juggling  priests 
Say,  negroes  unbaptized  are  only  beasts  ; 
And  pious  rum-and-sugar  dealing  knaves, 
Prove  from  their  Bible,  "niggers  should  be  slaves  ;J 
Since  Moses  says,  that  Noah  (an  old  Jew) 
Got  fuddled  now  and  then  (as  Christians  do), 

would  have  spun  out  his  existence  to  a  much  longer  period  (only  930 
years)  if  the  wicked  one  had  not  seduced  his  rib,  nor  he  have  munched 
the  peepin,  at  least  if  we  give  credence  to  the  Italian  proverb — 

"Herba  cruda,  Donna  ignuda, 
E  dorrair  a  piano  terra, 
Manda  I'uomo  sotto  terra." 

And  what  else  could  he  boast  of  in  his  blessed  state? 

*  In  an  English  Bible  (1615)  are  tlie  following  words:  "And  they 
sewed  up  fig  leav'es  together,  and  made  themselves  breeches" — Gene- 
sis iii. — See  Hudibras. 

f  *'Unto  Adam  and  his  wife  [did  they  jump  over  a  broomstick?]  did 
the  Lord  make  coats  of  skins  [what  skins?],  and  clothed  them." — Gen. 
iii.  Pretty  devils,  no  doubt,  they  must  liave  appeared  in  their  bear- 
skin wrap-rascals!  How  comes  it  this  precious  pair  of  originals  are 
never  rej>resented  in  our  paintings  dressed  in  these  eminently  beauti- 
ful jackets,  which  they  must  have  undoubtedly  been,  having  been  cut 
out  by  the  great  Jehovah  himself,  to  whom  the  great  Stultz  can  not  be 
supposed  worthy  of  liolding  a  candle?  And  is  it  not  greatly  to  be  re- 
gretted that  the  patterns  of  such  magnificent  dresses  have  not  been 
preserved  (as  the  particulars  and  dimensions  of  Noah's  ark  have)  for 
the  benefit  of  the  fashionable  puppies  and  their  dolls;  as  they  then 
might  have  swaggered  and  strutted  "comme  il  faut,"  and  ricmped  the 
rabble  with  a  good  grace. 

J  "Mr.  Canning  one  day  quoted  the  Bible  to  sanction  Christian 
?1;ivory,  and  Mr.  Wilberforce  had  but  little  to  say  in  reply.  And  was 
<  i.ii.-L  crucified  that  black  men  might  be  scourged?  If  so,  he  had 
better  been  born  a  mulatto,  to  give  both  colors  an  equal  chance  of 
freedom,  or  at  least  of  salvation." — Byron, 


108  THE    YAHOO : 

And  in  that  state  was  by  his  son  discover'd, 

Laying  pig  fashion,*  with  his iincover'd  ;t 

Who,  grinning  like  an  unlick'd  cnb,  exclaim'd, 
"  Oh,  fie,  papa  !  you  ought  to  be  asham'd ! 
You  tipple,  and  get  pogey  with  your  wine, 
And  then  lie  naked,  sprawling  like  a  swine." 
But  Mister  Ham's  joke  with  his  Pa — alas  ! 
A  black-joke  prov'd,  for  lo  !   "  it  came  to  pass," 
That  for  his  graceless  prank  his  generation. 
By  black  skins  should  betray  their  degradation  :J 
Since  when,  the  woolly-headed,  flat-nosed  race, 
Have  been  with  white-skinn'd  Yahoos  in  disgrace  ;^ 
Who,  tho'  they  flog  them,  save  their  precious  souls 
By  baptism,  or  they'll  go  to  hell  in  shoals. || 

But  let's  suppose  that  Rumpuncheon  comes 
From  negro-driving  with  a  brace  of  "  plums  :" 
The  ill-got  wealth  but  seldom  brings  content; 
For  ostentation  it  is  chiefly  meant. 
His  pride,  parade,  and  pomp,  and  puff",  and  swell, 
And  vice  and  folly,  how  it's  squander'd  tell. 
Profusion  comes  with  glitter,  show,  and  glare, 
And  color'd  lamps,  to  make  the  rabble  stare  ; 

*  "The  little  pigs  lay  with  their bare." — Old  Ballad. 

f  "And  he  (Noah)  drank  of  the  wine  and  was  drunken,  and  he  was 
uncovered  within  his  tent.  And  Ham,  the  father  of  Canaan,  saw  the 
nakedness  of  his  father." — Gen.  ix. 

:j:  "And  Koah  awoke  from  his  wine,  and  knew  what  his  younger 
son  had  done  unto  him."  [What  had  he  done?]  "And  he  said,  cursed 
be  Canaan,  a  servant  of  servants  shall  he  be  unto  his  brethren." — Gen. 
ix.  True  Bible  justice  !  the  father  in  fault,  and  the  children  all  cursed 
for  it. 

§  "He  finds  his  fellow  guilty  of  a  skin 

Not  color'd  like  his  own,  and  having  pow'r 
T*  enforce  the  wrong,  for  such  a  worthy  cause, 
Dooms  and  devotes  him  as  his  lawful  prey." — Coioper. 

I  "  Happy,  thrice  happy,  now  the  savage  race. 

Since  Europe  takes  their  gold  and  gives  them  grace  I" 

ChurcMll. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  109 

While  ev'ry  thing  that's  dear  or  ugly's  bought, 
And  sphinxes,  and  sarcophaguses  sougVit  !* 
With  costly  toys  the  mansion  soon  abounds. 
The  lady's  necklace  cost  ten  thousand  pounds  !t 
Baubles  of  all  sorts  cram  each  vacant  space, 
And  dizen'd  lacqueys  all  bedaubed  with  lace. 
Then  a  grand  rout!   what  exquisite  delight 
To  make  a  thund'ring  through  the  Square  all  night ! 
Three  or  four  hundred  fools,  or  mad  folks  rather, 
To  sip  slop  tea  and  ices,  squeeze  together ; 
Who  at  the  door  make  such  a  horrid  din, 
As  if  all  Bedlam  wanted  to  get  in  !J 

*  "Man's  rich  with  little  were  his  judgment  true, 
Nature  is  frugal,  and  her  wants  are  few; 
Those'  few  wants  answered,  bring  sincere  delights; 
But  fools  create  themselves  new  appetites : 
Fancy  and  pride  seek  things  at  vast  expense, 
Which  relish  not  to  reason  or  to  sense." — Young. 

"Hunger,  thirst,  and  nakedness,  are  the  first  tyrants  that  force  us  to 
stir;  afterward  our  pride  and  sloth,  sensuality  and  fickleness,  are  the 
great  patrons  that  promote  all  arts  and  sciences,  trades  and  callings." 
— Mandeville' s  Search  into  Society. 

f  Who  could  suppose  that  such  an  enormous  sum  could  ever  be  de- 
manded for  a  string  of  baubles,  to  hang  round  the  neck  of  a  female 
Yahoo?  It  is  however  certain  that  a  necklace  of  that  estimated  value 
was  purloined,  a  few  years  since,  fi'om  the  shop  of  Messrs.  Rundle  & 
Bridge,  and  a  great  reward  off'ered  for  the  recovery.  Yet  £10,000  at 
the  present  day  seems  nothing,  since  within  the  last  year  or  two  we 
have  heard  a  trinket  of  the  same  sort,  beloni^ing  to  the  Princess  of 
Orange,  was  filched  ("conveyed,"  the  wise  call  it,)  at  Brussels,  worth 
only  £80,000.  Goramity  has  blessed  the  Yahoo  with  wisdom  to  some 
purpose! 

Voltaire  supposes  the  two  hundred  snippings,  called  foreskins,  which 
holy  David,  like  a  gallant  suitor,  brought  King  Saul,  were  strung  on 
a  pack-thread,  and  intended  for  a  necklace  for  the  fair  Miss  Michal, 
his  daughter.  The  Lord's  anointed  (her  daddy)  had  indeed  only  de- 
manded one  hundred  as  the  price  of  the  lady;  but  David  generously 
brings  double  the  number  required,  unwilling  she  should  be  deficient 
in  such  precious  nicknacks  for  the  ornament  of  her  person,  or  toilette. 

\  It  is  a  part  of  the  etiquette  of  th^e  moon-stricken  assemblages  to 
make  as  much  noise  as  possible  with  the  knocker  at  the  street-door, 
which  is  rattled  with  all  the  fury  of  a  frenzied  lunatic  for  about  half  a 
minute  upon  the  arrival  of  every  carriage;  and  if  three  or  four  parties 
arrive  at  the  same  time,  they  are  let  in  separately,  the  door  shut,  and 
the  horrible  thundering  at  the  knocker  repeated  by  each,  by  wbl  -li  th«' 

10 


110  THE    YAHOG I 

Now  crowding,  pushing,  treading  on  a  corn  ; 

And  shawls,  and  scarfs,  and  gauze,  a*tid  muslins  torn  : 

While  screw'd-up  dolls  and  dandies,  daub'd  with  paint, 

Have  all  their  laces  cut,  or  else  they  faint.* 

And  then  what  pleasure  next  day  to  peruse, 

A  pufT'd-up,  paid-for  statement  in  the  News ! 

*'  Lady  Rumpuncheon's  rout,  and  grand  displayf 

Of  all  the  rank  and  fashion  of  the  day. 

With  all  the  delicacies  of  the  season" 

(The  puffer  knows  what  sort  i)f  cant  is  pleasing).^ 

Viola  high  life  !   the  ton  among  the  great! 

The  folks  possessing  "  plums,"  who  live  in  state  ! 

What  "  march  of  mind  !"  for  an  enlighten'd  nation  ! 

What  cagmag  stuff  for  "  lords  of  the  creation  !"§ 

npronrions  din  is  continued  for  hours  together,  to  the  great  deliglit 
of  tiie  neiajhbors,  wlio  are  all  tarred  Avith  the  same  stick,  and  highly 
amused  witli  tliis  "hell  broke  loose"  racket.  To  heigliten  the  absur- 
dity, the  rout-givers'  send  their  empty  carriages  round  the  next  morn- 
ing, with  a  footman,  and  cards  of  compliments,  and  inquiry  after  the 
welfare  of  the  parties  who  honored  their  "little  St.  Luke's"  the  pre- 
ceding evening!'  Oh,  what  happiness  to  exist  in  such  a  truli/  enlight- 
ened age! — See  Don  Juan,  canto. ix.,  stanza  67. 

*  The  lacing  up  these  be-whiskered,  cigar-smoking  puppies,  is  a 
modern  refinement  in  dress,  supposed  to  contribute  to  the  elegance  of. 
the  Yahoo's  shape  (pretty  dears!)  and  is  an  indubitable  proof  of  the 
so  much  boasted  march  of  intellect  That  she  dolls,  who  are  milliners, 
or  priest-governed  from  the  cradle  to  the  coffin,  should  give  way  to 
such  silliness  is  not  to  be  wondered  at — but,  for  great  long-legged, 
brawny-backed  lubbers  to  affect  such  molly-coddle,  contemptible  ef- 
feminacy, is  most  disgraceful! 

"Fops  at  all  corners,  lady-like  in  mien, 
Civetted  puppies;  smelt  ere  they  are  seen." — Trocinium. 

j-  "This  lady  glories  in  profuse  expense, 

And  thinks  distraction  is  magnificence." — Young. 

J  See  this  contemptible  sort  of  puffing  happily  ridiculed  in  a  bur- 
lesque expose  of  a  Blowbladder  street  rout  in  Bulliana. 

§  "But  the  long  pomp,  the  midnight  masquerade, 
With  all  the  freaks  of  wanton  wealth  array'd; 
In  these  ere  triflers  half  their  wish  obtain, 
The  toiling  pleasure  sickens  into  pain  ; 
And  e'en  while  fashion's  brightest  arts  decoy. 
The  heart  distrusting,  asks  if  this  be  joy?" — Goldsmith. 


A    SATIRICAL     RHAPSODY.  Ill 

By  loyalty  and  highborn  blockheads  bred* 

(When  a  fish  stinks,  'tis  first  about  the  head), 

Descending  then  to  cits  and  plebs  it  goes, 

And  over  all  the  tide  of  folly  flows,t 

Reaching  at  last  the  "  multitude  of  swine," 

Who  in  their  turn  have  routs  !  and  stink  and  shine.J 

Such  is  the  blessed  Christian  Yahoo  race, 
Who,  whitewashed  in  laniVs  blood,  abound  in  grace  : 
Such  is  the  saint-like  crew,  who  talk  of  heaven, 
Tho'  all  infected  with  the  devil's  leaven. 
A  gospel-poring,  canting  tribe,  who  boast 
Of  fellowship  (God  bless  us)  with  a  ghost  !^ 
A  sacramental,  pure,  craw-thumping  herd. 
All  saved  by  faith,  thro'  Jesus  Christ  their  Lord  : 
Who  lie,  and  trick,  and  cozen  all  the  week,|| 
And  on  the  Lord's  day  go  the  Lord  to  seek. 

*  See  Don  Jucni  canto  x,,  stanza  85.     "Oh,  Mrs.  Fry/'' 

f  "But,  lo!   the  fatal  victor  of  mankind, 

Swoirn  luxury! — pale  ruin  stalks  behind  I" — Essay  on  Satire, 

\  "Increase  of  power  begets  increase  of  wealth; 
Wealth  luxury,  and  luxury  excess; 
Excess,  the  scrofulas  and  itchy  plague, 
That  seizes  first  the  opulent,  descends 
To  the  next  rank  contagious,  and  in  time 
Taints  downward  all  the  graduated  scale 
Of  order  from  the  chariot  to  the  plough." — Cowper. 

§  "And  the  fellowship  of  the  Holy  Ghost  be  with  you  all  evermore." 
— Liturgy. 

\  "Two  Gjods  divide  them  all— pleasure  and  gain: 
For  these  they  Ijve.     Lust  in  their  hearts 
And  mischief  in  their  hands,  they  roam  tlie  earth 
To  prey  upon  each  other." — Cowper. 

It  is  not  long  since  one  of  the  petty  African  kings  said,  "he  would 

send  his  son  to  England,  to  learn  to  Tead  book,  and  be  great  rogue." 

This  negro  had  formed  no  incorrect  opinion  of  the  civilization  wliich 

he  had  seen,  and  of  the  education  which  is  given  in  the  school  of  trade  ! 

-Southey's  Colloquies. 

"Wiien  you  have  seen  a  little  of  the  world,"  says  Sir  Walter  Scott, 
"you  will  then  be  no  stranger  to  the  policy  of  life,  which  deals  in 
mining  and  countermining."  The  real  opinion  the  Yahoos  entertain 
of  one  another  is  pretty  evidently  shown  by  their  always  requiring 
stamped  receipts  in  their  respective  payments.     Why  demand  legal 


112  .  THE     YAHOO  : 

At  church,  and  tell  him  in  a  whining  tone, 

That  they  have  do7ie  thin(rs  they  should  not  have  done.* 

(All  which  he  knew  before,  but  that's  no  matter, 

He's  pester'd  weekly  with  their  pious  patter),! 

Inform  him,  in  their  silly,  gabbling  way, 

That  they  have,  like  lost  muttons,  gone  astray. 

("  Muttons  !"  Jehovah  cries,  when  this  he  hears, 

*'  Od  rabbit  'em,  they're  asses,  wolves,  and  bears.") 

Invoke  the  Lamb,  "  that  takes  away  their  sins, "J 

Beg  for  dry  bread,  but  long  for  greasy  chins, 

(As  if  the  Lord  had  nothing  else  to  do 

But  bake  them  bread ! — they'll  ask  him  next  to  brew  ! 

And  add  by  way  of  rider  to  their  pray'r, 

That  he  will  please  to  send  them  better  fare).§ 

Told  by  the  parson  whatsoe'er  they  want. 

If  ask'd  devoutly  for,  the  Lord  will  grant, || 

And  thus  encouragd,  such  bold-fac'd  humgruffins 

May  next  beg  tea,  and  toast,  and  butter'd  muffins  ! 

binding  while  they  have  siicli  liigh  opinions  of  each  other's  integrity 
and  principles?  Is  not  this  indubitable  proof,  notwithstanding  the 
blarney  they  so  liberally  bestow  upon  one  another,  that  they  can  not 
be  trusted  ?  Swift  says  in  a  letter  to  Dr.  Sheridan,  "You  should  think 
every  man  a  rogue,  but  not  tell  him  so." 

*  The  doing  of  things,  and  leaving  of  things  undone,  form  part  of 
the  so  much  admired  liturgy,  which  is  held  up,  by  the  craft,  as  the 
finest  and  most  sublime  composition  that  was  ever  given  to  a  benight- 
ed world  for  the  edification  of  enlightened  Yahoos. 

f  One  should  suppose  the  great  Jehovah,  every  Sunday  morning, 
when  he  awoke,  and  recollected  the  day,  would  call  to  Gabriel  to  keep 
the  doors  nnd  slaitters  close,  that  he  might  not  be  bored  with  the  hor- 
rible din  of  the  Christian  Yahoos  about  the  carpenter's  son  and  the 
Ghost.  Or  say,  as  Quiii  used  to  his  man,  on  very  gloomy  mornings, 
"  Call  me  to-morrow,  John." 

\  "  Oh,  Lamb  of  God,  that  takest  away  the  sins  of  the  world." — 

Liturgy,  \ 

§  A  little  boy,  who  scarcely  ever  tasted  any  thing  but  dry  bread 
and  potatoes,  repeating^  his  prayers  one  day,  said,  "  Mammy,  mayn't  I 
ask  Godamighty  for  a  little  bit  of  cheese  to-day  ?" 

II  "And  dost  promise  that  when  two  or  three  nre  jO^athered  together 
in  thy  name,  thou  wilt  grant  their  requests."  Why,  then,  do  these 
gulls  flock  in  such  crowds  to  their  slop-shops,  and  at  such  an  expense 
and  loss  of  time,  when  they  could  have  whatever  they  wished  for  by 
a  little  gossiping  assemblage  in  the  name  of  the  Lord  at  home? 


SATAIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  .113 

Or  (heedless  of  the  great  Jehovah's  trouble), 
Request  some  day  a  dish  of  squeak  and  bubble  ! 

Oh,  great  Jehovah  !  how  art  thou  beset. 
Do  not  these  Yahoos  put  thee  in  a  sweat? 
No  wonder  thou  shouldst  grieve  for  having  made  'em,* 
They've  plagued  thee  ever  since  the  days  of  Adam. 
Tho'  in  a  horse-pond  thou  hast  soused  one  litter, 
The  present  brood  seem  very  little  better. 
Couldst  thou  not  from  thy  prescience  see  at  first, 
They'd  turn  out  rubbish,  being  made  of  dust?t 
Provok'd  to  wrath,  how  often  hast  thou  sworeij: 
That  they  should  never  enter  thy  street  door. 
When  did  they  ever  heed  thy  oaths  or  threats  ? 
Not  even  while  they  were  thy  darling  pets  : 
And  shouldst  thou  send  down  stairs  again  a  Ghost, 
With  Chip  to  mend  'em,  'twould  be  labor  lost. 
Their  actions  show  that  Nick's  their  so*v'reign  lord  ; 
They  neither  mind  thee,  nor  thy  holy  word. 
Hadst  thou  not  twice  the  patience  of  poor  Job, 
Thou'dst  dofl*  thy  golden  crown  and  day-light  robe,§ 
Slip  on  thy  thick-soled  shoes,  and  come  and  kick  'era, 
Or  send  tho  angel  Gaby  down  to  lick  'em  ; 
A  good  sound  drubbing  for  such  mumping  scrubs. 
Might  chance  to  cure  them  of  the  mulligrubs. 
But  if  ihcy  sliould  not  mend  by  kicks  and  thumps, 
Clap  Lord  IVlonboddo's  tail  upon  their  rumps  ;|| 
They'd  then  be  (tails  would  so  improve  the  bieed) 
The  **  paragon  of  animals"  indeed. — 

*  "  And  it  repented  the  Lord  that  he  had  made  man  on  the  earth, 
and  it  grieved  him  at  his  heart." — Genesis  vi. 

f  "  And  the  Lord  God  formed  man  of  the  dust  of  the  ground." — 
Genesis  ii. 

\  "Unto  whom  I  sware  in  my  wrath  that  they  should  not  enter  into 
my  rest." — Psalm  xcv. 

§  "With  light  as  a  robe, 

Thou  hast  thyself  clad." — Psalm  civ. 

I  "Lord  Monboddo  supposed  the  human  race  were  originally  fur- 
nished with  tails,  which  have  been  worn  away  by  their  sitting  so  much 
upon  them." 

10* 


114  THE   yahoo: 

Such  strutting,  puff'd-up,  self-conceited  buzzards, 
Fasting,  or  full,  still  grumbling  in  their  gizzards  ; 
Such  squabby,  tadpole,  gut-and-garbage  creatures  ! 
Some  (tho'  ail  boast  their  angel  form  and  features  !) 
With  such  rotundity  of  paunch  and  bottom, 
They'll  make  the  devil  jack-weights,  when  he's  got  'em  :* 
With  precious  souls,  tag,  rag,  and  bobtail  cramm'd  ; 
Exulting  at  the  risk  of  being  damn'd  If 
Such  bloated  buffos,  boasting  immortality, 
Without  an  atom's  weight  of  rationality. 
Search  thro'  the  universe  you'll  never  trace 
A  more  ridiculous  or  vicious  race. 
'Whatever  other  planets  may  possess 
Of  living  animals,  we're  left  to  guess; 
But  none  in  fifty  worlds  you'd  ever  find, 
Who  were  to  vice  and  folly  more  inclin'd.J 
And  if  to  Paradise  the  Yahoos  go, 
And  I  were  ask'd  to  enter,  I'd  cry  No  : 
Like  the  poor  negro,  who  when  tortur'd  said,^ 
"  Massa,  you  go  to  'ebben  when  you  dead  ?" 

*  Would  not  the  massive  members  of  the  church  (as  Lord  Byron 
styles  them),  as  well  as  Alderman  Paunch,  Lord  Gundygut,  Lady 
Foulfirkin,  and  some  others  of  higli  degree,  answer  very  well  for  this 
purpose,  and  turn  the  Devil's  meat-spits  round  merrily  if  they  were 
tied  neck  and  heels  together? 

"  f  "So  excessive  is  liuman  vanity,"  says  Lord  Bolinghroke,  "that 
although  it  is  admitted  that  nine  out  of  ten  are  damned,  yet  immor- 
tality is  the  boast,  and  the  risk  of  hell-fire  disregarded." 

J  " where  to  rampant  vigor  grown, 

Vice  chokes  uji  every  virtue,  where,  self-sown, 

The  seeds  of  folly  shoot  forth  rank  and  bold, 

And  every  seed  brings  forth  a  hundred  fold." — Churchill. 

§  The  tortures  inflicted  on  these  poor  creatures,  as  well  as  on  the 
Carihs  and  Maroons,  the  aborigines  of  the  "West  India  Islands,  exceed 
all  credibility,  and  chill  the  blood  by  a  recital;  but  Christians,  with 
the  Bible  in  their  hands,  are  self-justified  in  committing  the  most  hor- 
rible barbarities:  they  are  serving  the  Lord  by  smiting  the  heathens, 
which  covers  and  authorizes  every  species  of  wickedness  and  cruelty, 
and  stifles  evei-y  feeling  of  humanity.  Smollett,  speaking  of  an  insur- 
rection of  the  negro  slaves  of  Jamaica,  in  the  year  1760,  says,  "After 
they  were  subdued,  they  were  put  to  death  by  a  variety  of  tortures. 
Some  were  hanged,  some  beheaded,  some  burned,  and  some  fixed  alive 
upon  gibbets.     One  of  these  last  lived  eight  days  and  eighteen  hours, 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  115 

"  Yes,  you  black  dog,  1  shall." — "  Oh,  very  well," 
Poor  Sambo  cries,  "  den  me  go  lib  in  hell."* 


CONCLUSION. 


Novy,  who  to  patients  in  this  curst  condition, 
Would  ever  be  adviser  or  physician  ? 
In  their  derang'd  obnoodle-hetided  state, f 
Try  but  to  cure  them — your  reward's  their  hate. 
Like  pigs  that  in  a  dirty  puddle  lie, 
They  take  delight  to  wallow  in  their  sty ; 
And  he  who  tries  to  pull  them  out  will  get, 
As  ^sop's  gard'ner  did,  his  fingers  bit.J 

suspended  under  a  vertical  sun,  without  being  refreshed  by  one  drop 
of  water,  or  receiving  any  manner  of  sustenance.  Numbers  of  these 
poor  creatures  escnped  to  the  mountains  and  woods,  and  killed  them- 
selves in  despair." — History  of  England,  vol.  v.,  p.  160.  Oh,  blessed 
and  holy  Christian  slave-drivers!  well,  are  ye  entitled  to  a  place  in 
Abraliam's  bosom!  "Preachee  and  flog^ee,"  that's  your  sort.  There's 
a  Christian  parson  always  ready  to  absolve  ye:  notliing's  required  but 
faith  in  your  blessed  Redeemer. 

*  "In  vain  you  talk  to  them  of  shades  below, 
y        They  fear  no  hell  but  where  the  Christians  go." — De  Foe. 

I  OhnoodU-headed !  Impossible!  What!  so  wise  a  race  as  the  Ya- 
hoos? who  were  2,000  years  in  findino;  out  the  right  way  to  turn  the 
hiindle  of  a  spoon.  It  should  be  obnubilated,  no  doubt — the  Rhinoceros, 
as  he  was  eognominated  (to  use  his  own  expression)  by  Tom  D.ivis, 
would,  excepting  when  he  wished  to  express  himself  in  curt,"  liave 
adopted  obnubilated,  ofFuscated,  obumbrated,  or  some  long-tail.- 1  ses- 
quipedale  to  denote  stupidity.  Tlie  great  doctor's  bombast  was  never 
more  happily  ridiculed  than  by  Peter  Pindar,  who  says  he  gives 

"A  pyramid's  importance  to  a  pin  ; 
On  ev'rv  theme  alike  his  pompous  art. 
The  geri'ral  conflagration,  or  a. . . ." — Benev.  Epistle. 

•j-  "Now  he's  a  fool  who  never  thinks 
Of  meddling  with  an  ass: 

*  The  doctor's  own  slniig. 


116  THE    YAHOO ! 

Religion's  frenzy  has,  'tis  very  plain, 

Contaminated  every  Yalioo's  brain. "* 

Are  Chesterfield's  incurablesf  now  mended? 

Oh,  no!  his  hospital  is  much  extended. 

The  world  is  one  huge  Bedlam,  there's  no  doubt, 

A  few  call'd  inside  patients — millions  out.\ 

Blackmore  affirmed  that  all  mankind  were  mad,§ 

Some  slightly  so,  some  worse,  some  very  bad. 

And  as  in  ev'ry  class,  and  ev'ry  station, 

There's  what  pig  Johnson ||  calls  concatenation, 

The  more  you  stir,  the  more  its  stinks, 
In  every  dirty  ease." — Tim  Bobbin. 

"Society,"  says  the  Laureat  (before  he  smelt  the  sack),  "may,  with 
great  propriety,  be  compared  to  an  ass  that  kicks  those  who  attempt 
to  relieve  it  of  its  burden." — Letters  from  Spain. 

And  the  same  tune  sings  the  New  Monthly  Magazine. 

"With  priests  rant  and  rave  about  sm, 

Witlr Nick's  kitchen  underground  frighten; 
"With  mountebanks  make  the  mob  grin, 

Do  every  thing  but  enlighten. 
He  that  aims  at  enlightening  only  out  doles 
An  ophthalmic  drug  to  a  nation  of  moles." 

*  "The  history  of  Christians  and  of  Christianity  is  altogethei',  and 
without  exception,  a  history  of  madmen  and  lunacy." — Perry's  Defence. 

f  The  "Hospital  of  Incurables,"  was  Lord  Chesterfield's  classical 
and  appropriate  denomination  of  the  Corinthian  capitals,  alias  the 
House  of  Lords. 

"If  you  knew  what  a  hopeless  and  lethargic  den  of  dullness  and 
drawling  our  hospital  is  during  a  debate,  and  what  a  mass  of  corrup- 
tion in  its  patients,  you  would  wonder  not  that  I  very  seldom  speak, 
but  that  I  ever  attempted  it." — Lord  Byron  and  his  Contemporaries. 

\  "Our  world,"  says  Lord  Bolingbroke,  "seems  to  be,  in  many 
respects,  the  Bedlam  of  every  other  system  of  intelligent  creatures." 
— Philosophical  Essays.  Of  which  opinion  is  also  Voltaire.  "Le 
monde  est  un  grand  Bedlam  ou  des  Fous  enchainent  d'autres  Fous." 
— Pot  Pourri. 

Erasmus  hardly  excepts  any.     "Presque  tons  les  hommes,"  he  ob- 
serves,  "sont  Fous:    (a  quoi  bon  ce   presque^  il  n'y  a  pus  un   seul 
liomme  qui  n'extravague  de  plus  d'une  mani^re:)  ils  sont  done  tous 
semblables  en  ce  point  la." — Erasme  sur  la  Folie. 
§  See  Sir  Richard  Blackmore  on  the  Spleen. 

II  "Why,  I  pray  you,  is  not  the  pig,  and  the  great,  and  the  huge,  all 
-  one." — Fiuellin. 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODY.  117 

Connected  by  some  circumstance  or  other, 
There's  no  Mad  Tom  but  soon  he  finds  a  brother. 

Well — since  the  whole's  a  mass  of  half-craz'd  things, 
Lords,  beg-gars,  fools,  pickpockets,  priests,  nnd  kings, 
With  nondescripts  of  all  sorts  out  of  number, 
We'll  class  them  altogether  as  live  lumber, 
And  recommend  it  as  the  wisest  thin^. 
That  they  should  play  ihefool,  and  dance  and  sing; 
And  tho'  with  hell-fire  threatened,  if  they  frisk  it. 
Defy  Black  Jack,  and  all  his  imps,  and  risk  it ; 
But  if,  while  they  were  capering  and  leaping,* 
The  old  grim  rascal  should  by  chance  be  peeping; 
Provided  with  a  good  strong  casting-net. 
What  a  choice  draught  of  Yahoos  he  would  get! 
Exulting,  no  doubt,  Bhiipkey  then  would  bawl, 
"  Odd  zounds  and  blood  !  but  here's  a  glorious  haul ! 
Except  in  war  time  I  but  seldom  catch 
So  many  of  these  shabrags  at  a  batch. 


*  Messrs,  Beelzebub  and  Co.  are  commissioned  by  the  saints  to  lay 
violent  hands  on  all  the  capering  tribe  whenever  they  can  catch  them. 
Saint  Angnstin,  a  saint  of  the  first  class,  consigns  all  such  wicked  sin- 
ners over  to  the  Old  One,  sans  ceremonie.  "The  miserable  dancer," 
exclaims  the  ranting  Bedlamite,  "knows  not  that  as  many  paces  as 
lie  maketh  in  dancing,  so  many  leaps  he  maketh  in  hell."  Another  of 
these  holy  twattlers,  Jerome,  a  saint  also  of  great  renown,  tells  us  that 
"the  very  touch  of  a  wanton  is  worse  than  the  bite  of  a  mad  dog." 
And  (1oes  not  the  great  saint  of  saints,  Paul,  the  head  of  the  gang,  and 
favorite  spouter  of  the  godly  snufilers,  tell  us,  that  "it  is  good  for  a 
man  not  to  touch  a  woman." — 1  Cor.  vii.  No  wonder  the  petticoat 
tribes  are  all  so  priest-ridden,  and  dangle  so  after  the  parsons  every- 
where, to  whom  they  always  seem  ready  to  lie  down  before  they  are 
asked  even  to  sit  A  ranting  evangelical,  preaching  upon  the  text, 
"It  is  good  for  a  man  not  to  touch  a  woman,"  concluded  by  saying, 
"And  now,  my  beloved,  let  me  remind  you  of  the  sin  of  incontinence, 
which  will  lead  you  to  destruction.  Satan's  most  powerful  arms  are 
women  ;  do  not  damn  yourselves  for  such  silly  things.  Beware  of 
the  bottomless  pit.  Recollect  the  apostle's  advice,  and  touch  not  a 
woman." 

"All  flesh  is  grass,"  'tis  very  true,  alas  I 
But  then  a  woman's  flesh  is  scurvy  grass ! 


118  THE    yahoo: 

One  might  suppose  that  I  had  risen  to-day, 
Like  Madame  Plump,  a  .  .  e  upward  as  they  say.* 
Poor  Yahoos  !   aye,  aye,  ye  may  well  look  glum, 
You're  holy  water  sprinkling's  all  a  hum. 
No  forty-parson  power  can  set  you  free, 
You're  Lamb  and  Pigeon  won't  bamboozle  me  ; 
If  you  think  fudge-like  that  can  save  your  bacon, 
You're  Johnny-raws,  and  damnably  mistaken; 
To  my  den  under  ground  you  all  must  go, 
And  shake  your  trotters  in  the  shades  below  ;t 
Where,  since  you're  all  to  capering  so  inclined. 
Both  choice  and  cheap  you'll  cat-gut  scrapers  find. 
A/Ions  do7ic,  raganuiffiris  !   scamper,  trot. 
Perhaps  you'll  find  my  kitchen  rather  hot ; 
But  pluck  up  courage,  you'll  have  neighbors'  fare. 
You'll  meet  with  millions  of  your  comrogues  there; 
For  tho'  ye're  pupp'd  with  an  immortal  soul, 
Nineteen  in  twenty  come  to  my  dark  hole  \\ 

*  Lady  AnsiveralL — "Well,  she  had  good  luck  to  draw  Tom  Plump 
into  wedlock — she  ris  with  her  a.  .e  upward." 

Miss  Neverout. — "Fie,  madam  I  what  do  you  mean  ?" 

Jjady  Smart. — "0,  Miss!  'tis  nothing  what  we  say  among  ourselves." 

Polite  Conversation. 

f  Since  the  Devil  is  allowed  by  Milton  to  crack  his  jokes  when  his 
cannon-balls  are  knockiniij  the  angels  one  over  the  other  like  ninepins, 
he  may  fairly  be  allowed  a  little  jocularity  on  the  present  occasion, 
when  he  has  nabbed  so  many  of  the  Yahoos  by  a  coup-de-maitre. 

■  down  they  fell 


By  thousands,  angel. on  archangel  roll'd. 

Satan  beheld  their  plight, 

And  to  his  notes  thus  in  derision  called — 

Oh,  friends,  why  come  not  on  these  victors  proud? 

Kre  while  the  fierce  were  coming — 

straight  they  chang'd  their  minds, 

Flew  off,  and  into  strange  vagaries  fell, 

As  they  would  dance;  yet  for  a  dance  they  seem'd 

Somewhat  extravagant  and  wild." — Paradise  Lost. 

X  "Christians  do  virtually  attribute  to  the  Devil  an  empire  much 
more  extensive  than  that  of  the  Supreme  Being.  The  latter  with 
difficulty  saves  a  few  elect,  while  the  former  carries  off  in  spite  of  him 
the  greater  part  of  mankind,  who  listen  to  his  destructive  temptations 
rather  than  to  the  absolute  commands  of  God." — Christianity  Unveiled 


A    SATIRICAL    RHAPSODV.  119 

Your  *  godlike'  qualities,  so  much  your  boast, 
Are  *  all  my  eye,'  when  here  ye  come  to  roast. 
Jehovah's  made  ye,  any  one  may  see, 
Not  for  himself;  oh,  no,  ye're  made  for  me."* 

The  sooty  rascal,  then,  perhaps,  might  take 
His  passage  home  across  the  "  level  lake," 
And  landing  with  his  cargo  safe  and  sound, 
Shoot  'em  all  in  his  cellar,  underground  ; 
While  all  his  imps  would  come  in  troops  and  sing, 
Long  life  to  Beelzebub,  their  noble  king ! 

*  From  the  immense  and  countless  number  of  Yahoos'  souls  (what- 
ever they  may  be  made  of)  that  are  daily  and  hourly  arriving  with 
passports  for  the  devil's  territories,  he  is  certainly  justified  in  making 
this  assertion,  and  exulting  over  the  poor  lost  muttons.  The  black 
gentleman,  no  doubt,  reads  the  holy  book  sometimes,  "pour  s'amuser," 
and  thore  finds  his  boundaries  are  to  ]>e  enlarged,*  from  which  he 
nati!rMl]\^  will  draw  the  above  inferen<-e,  and  look  for  his  subjects 
twenty  or  thirty  abreast;  and  not  "en  file"  throuorh  Sambo's  "narrow 
paff,"  which  he  told  his  brodder  niggers,  "leadeff  to  ebbenly  moosic, 
and  ebbery  ting  dem  like." 

*  "  Therefore,  hell  hath  enlarged  herself,  an;l  opened  her  mouth  without  meas- 
ure,"— Isaiah  v. 


THE    END. 


